How do you re-learn trust?

[yellowduvetcover]

Very complicated situation. I suffer from depression on and off, and I also have just worked out (like last night) that I have a big issue about needing to feel cared for by men. It's not just about sex, but about having men feel concerned about me - almost fatherly. And it's because my own Dad wasn't like this - he only saw me because he had to and gave very little indication that he actually cared about me, apart from spending money on me.

I have had counselling for issues related to my childhood in the past, and have just started some more, so I am dealing with this. But the thing is what led to us (my DH and I) realising I needed more counselling...me falling in love with another man.

I didn't know what to do about it. I love my DH as well, but was totally swept up by the feelings of being loved and desired by another man. Could quite happily have several men filling that role, to be perfectly honest!

DH and I have always been honest with each other, so I explained what was happening (nothing physical, or even spoken, just feelings, which I'm not going to go into details here), and we talked a lot about possible solutions. Open marriage was even considered in great detail at one point. We couldn't work out what was going on, and it was hurting both of us - obviously hurting DH more than me, but you know, it's not much fun being in my position either - very bewildering and painful. We've been married a long time and I'd trust him with my life.

Anyway, I ended up kissing this OM. I told DH that night, and it was awful and terrible as you may imagine. I am wracked with guilt. He is glad I told him, but also very hurt and angry but determined that we both work on what's going on underneath to cause my feelings rather than just walk away from it (as his friends have told him to do - after one kiss, FFS!).

But we're really struggling. There's something I'm not telling him, and that's that I still have feelings for this man. I'm telling DH that the kiss made me realise that I don't want him and I got very confused, which means I'm lying, but I just don't know what's going on. I'm having counselling, so I hope that will sort out the mess in my head, but DH is mostly fine and then has this horrible fits of mistrust and thinking that I'm texting this man and telling him I want to sleep with him (which I'm not! Not at all! I'm doing nothing wrong at all now, except for hiding my truest feelings for DH to protect him...or maybe I shouldn't be? Oh I don't fucking know! I don't know anything any more, except that I love my DH, and I'm suppressing big feelings about someone else that are horrible, but that at whatever cost, I want to save my marriage for a million reasons).

Does anyone have any idea where we can go from here? How Dh can learn to trust me again? Or what?

How would you feel if your DH came and said to you the very same thing. I think you would have trust issues. You are making it sound as if this is something you can't help, well you can help it because you are choosing to do this.

Oh gosh, no, I don't blame my DH at all for feeling like this! And I chose to kiss the OM, yes, but I'm not choosing my feelings. In fact, I'm choosing to do what I can to unfeel them - I'm having counselling, and I'm suppressing them as far as I can.

I don't think your post is entirely fair. I want to know how DH and I can move on from this, for his sake. how can he move on from this? How can I help him? And is there anything else I can do to help me get over this need to be 'fathered'?

Hi there

I do understand what having an emotionally closed father can do to you. I have made disastrous relationship choices over the years trying to over-compensate.

Did you marry your husband because you were madly in love with him or because you were desperate for love and affection and he provided that to you?

You need to discuss this with your counsellor as it not fair on you living a lie, or on your husband who thinks you made a mistake and bitterly regret it (I'm not thinking you entirely do).

What is the situation with the other guy? Is he just someone that offers you emotional support or are your feelings for him deeper than that?

You really need to think anout what you actually want - is it to work on your marriage or is it to leave and meet someone else.

Maybe your relationship has run its course?

Bluebelle - thank you so much for such a considered response.

Now, I realise I married my husband because of what he offered me in terms of a 'fathering' role. We have always had a great sex life as well, but I guess I maybe wouldn't have ended up with him if I hadn't had such a great need for a man who would love me unconditionally as a father should However, I don't think my relationship has run its course. We have children, and I do love him an awful lot - far more now than I did when we were first together. I think we need relationship counselling, but I have no idea at all how to fit it in. I think we're going to have to somehow, though

I don't want to leave my marriage. I'd love to have a love affair in the same way some people would love to travel to exotic countries or jump out of aeroplanes with a parachute, but I think that this OM offered me an opportunity for even more emotional support and I got confused, particularly when he so clearly also fancied me, which is very thrilling.

I'm certain what I want is to work on my marriage, and learn how to not need the things I need, but then I'm also a little be scared that if I learn that, will I fall out of love with my DH? Is there enough of the 'other stuff' there to keep us going? (IYSWIM)

it's a bottomless pit, isn't it, this need for unconditional fatherly love? You already have it with H, but it's exciting when you can get even more! but if you love things about DH himself, not purely for his love for you -think what you like about him, if you can list quite a lot, it's not likely that you'll fall out of love after having therapy for needing fatherly love. Can't see another way apart from therapy!

I can recommend a book that really helped me. It's called 'Toxic Parents' and I cannot recommend it enough.

I cut my father out of my life decades ago but always felt I needed to have a partner to compensate. All total disasters, although I have just met a really lovely man and while it is very, very early days, I am hopeful.

I spent a couple of years single taking stock of the mistakes I made.

Counselling is the way forward if you want to save your marriage. Is your husband fully aware of this need you have for love and approval and acceptance? If not, it's time to tell him why you did what you did because no doubt the poor chap thinks you are falling out of love or are considering replacing him.

You have a lot to be grateful for, by the sounds of it. Don't let your father ruin that for you. He's taken up enough of your headspace and caused you enough heartache.

You can do this. Count your blessings and work on saving something that really is, by the sounds of it, special xx

Thank you autumnflower

Bluebelle - I'll try and get hold of that book as soon as possible. My husband is fully aware of pretty much everything that goes through my head - we've always been very honest with each other and it's why we're so strong together.

He said last night that he thinks that the random blips he gets are when he remembers unhelpful things that the few people he's told have said to him. He's told them that he wants to rebuild our marriage, but they say things like 'but how can you be sure she won't do it again?' etc. and then he thinks 'oh yeah. Shit!' and gets all mistrustful again. So he's told me he's not going to speak to those unhelpful people again - they see things too black and white.

And I totally agree about not letting my father ruin my life for me. I said similar to my husband yesterday. I'm angry with my dad now, again, having come to terms with being angry with him a while back. We'll fix things - off to find a good couples counsellor this morning.

Hey, just thought of you and checking in on in how you you are :) xx