Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mysterious dissappearing husband - theories needed!

28 replies

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 15:43

One of my neighbours husbands has moved out and the poor woman in mystified. I promised to post on MN and see if anyone has any theories.

They had been happily married for seven years before (after some trying) they conceived. Their son is three years old and his father adores him BUT never wanted children and has gone off his wife completely in the last three years.

He was always quiet and reserved but now he's clubbing and pubbing and partying.

The current favourite theory is some kind of mid-life crisis.

I leave it to the collective wisdom of MN. What do you think?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 04/01/2006 15:44

Alcohol? Drugs? Another woman/women/man/men?

Mascaraohara · 04/01/2006 15:46

Mid-life crisis, or, could it be now he's got her tied to the home he thinks he can behave any way he wishes. Has he a new job that has introduced him to a new set of people?

If he's moved out could he be seeing someone else?

Maybe he wants to be free of responsibility again?

WigWamBam · 04/01/2006 15:47

I think the answer to your question is in the second paragraph ... "his father adores him BUT never wanted children and has gone off his wife completely". I suspect that the responsibility of having his son has been too much for him, and he's gone off clubbing and partying as an antidote to it.

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 15:48

Ah yes! The gay theory. Was actually the first to be explored but apparently was happy in the bedroom with wife for seven years until junior came along. Is it possible he could still be gay?

He moved back in with his mother after he left his wife and has only recently moved out. No sign of another woman or man but these things can be hidden.

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 04/01/2006 15:48

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 04/01/2006 15:49

Sexuality is complicated. He could have been sleeping with men, in his spare time, all along. And yes, he can go back to men now, why not. Has she worried he might be gay, in the past?

Blu · 04/01/2006 15:49

Ummm, didn't want children or the life that comes with it, so resentment has built up, and he has gone off his wife and moved out to live the life he always said he wanted anyway?

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 15:53

The poor woman really has no clue why this is happening which of course makes her think that there must be something wrong with her! And the git won't tell her what's going on!

I remember your story ggglimpopo - when and how did you find out about the Blonde? Did your Dh come clean or did you snoop?

Still mid-life crisis seems to be the current favourite theory. If that is what it is then what can she do?

OP posts:

motherinferior · 04/01/2006 15:54

He might be doing that 'oh, I'm just not ready for it' appalling Bloke Act.

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 15:56

Thing is MI, he loves his son and is great with him. He comes home and spends the day with the little guy but doesn't talk to his wife so she has now started to leave when he arrives!

The 3 year old is blaming his mother - shouting at her, hitting her etc.

OP posts:

alicatsg · 04/01/2006 15:58

Sounds like a bad attack of self-centred twattishness to me and I'd bet there are new friends/ladyboys involved. If he didn't really want kids he shouldn't have spent the time trying.

Question is if he did/does come back would she want to take the risk of trusting him again? I think time to take stock of her own options.

motherinferior · 04/01/2006 15:58

Christalmighty, he sounds appalling, that bloke. I am very angry on her behalf. She deserves an explanation, whatever it is. Cowardly wossname.

alicatsg · 04/01/2006 15:59

sorry - meant to type lady friends not lady boys... although that would explain things too!

Pinotmum · 04/01/2006 15:59

Obviously blames her for ruining his life so to make things better is messing his son's head up. Someone needs to grow up and take responsibity for his life and it's not the 3 yo.

ggglimpopo · 04/01/2006 16:00

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 16:01

She started out loving him and hating his actions - now she pretty much hates him but if he came back with cap in hand and little DS running down the driveway to him, I don't honestly know what she would do?

Are we torn between the affair and the mid-life crisis here? Which could you forgive?

OP posts:

alicatsg · 04/01/2006 16:02

Neither. Its not what caused it, its the overwhelming selfishness I couldn't forgive. (but am in a militant mood today so may be overly grrrr about this)

mazzystar · 04/01/2006 16:03

poor woman, and poor wee lad

but, sorry for sounding like a broken record, has she tried talking to him? and if he's gone off her over 3 years, surely she can;t be that surprised?

devil's advocate part - maybe mrs has been totally focussed on the much-waited for a loved baby boy and mr has felt pushed out?

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 16:08

Have to say alicatsg that the situation leaves me boiling mad too!

Your right, Mazzystar, I am just getting one side of this. He won't talk to her. Is just 'unhappy' with the situation and so left and came back and left again 'for good'.

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 04/01/2006 16:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 16:16

Think she's afraid to ggglimpopo. He is very generous financially at the moment - paying mortgage, buying furniture, giving her cash. She is a SAHM. I think she's afraid to rock the boat.

OP posts:

mazzystar · 04/01/2006 16:16

i have broken one of my mumsnet rules. never speculate on other people's relationships.

from now on shall only read and not comment.

ggglimpopo · 04/01/2006 16:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nerdgirl · 04/01/2006 16:24

I think she's still in shock. She needs to know what happened. She is sure that there is something wrong with her. Keep telling her it's him but it's hard to believe.

Don't stop posting Mazzy. This is a non-MNer who just wants objective opinions - including or maybe especially devil's advocate positions.

OP posts:

alicatsg · 04/01/2006 17:03

She needs to get to a solicitor and find out whats what. If nothing else it'll give her the facts to make her own choices rather than be forced into situations by his choices and at his will.

a friend went through something similar and its really not easy to be on the receiving end regardless of the situation/causes. But its survivable.

Flip

1 2