Ex - family/friends post relationship

[lastroseofsummer]

Can anyone advise please? What is the appropriate relationship to have with ex's family/friends once the relationship is over.

My ex and I were together a long time, separated now and have both moved on to new relationsips (well I just finished one). I find he is still very friendly with members of my friends/family, fair enough but what is appropriate.

An example of this is a family celebration which took place quite recently, one of my relatives commented that he (ex) appeared to be quite upset that he didnt get an invite. I could not understand this at all as ex was not aware that myself and my partner had split so I would obviously have been attending with him if we were still together. Was my ex really expecting to attend my family celebration?

I have no issue with him having a friendship with anyone, in fact I know that he and a cousin of mine would occasionaly have a drink etc and thats fine, I mean you just dont cut someone off after years of knowing them. I just feel its a bit much, ie there has to be some sort of a line drawn regarding his participation in family events etc. We are no longer together. I also got the impression that my cousin felt kind of bad about the conversation, like ex had basically inferred he was gutted and "now Lastrose has someone new" etc etc.

He actually facebooked one of my relatives wishing him a happy birthday and saying "im sorry I cant be there to celebrate with you all". I mean WTF??? That actually bothered me as I knew my cousin felt bad about it. Of course he wouldnt be there to celebrate with us all, we are no longer together and its my family! I feel shit cuz I know he is hurt, we all are, no one wants to feel rejected but still though.

what you all think

Any advice or am I just over reacting.

i dont think you are over-reacting at all he needs to move on, do you think he is hanging on thinking that you might get back? as hash as it might sound he might need to be told because its not fair on future relationships

chubba sorry I actually fell asleep last night so only replying now. I dont know if/why he is hanging on to be honest. I know that he is seeing someone Melse which is why I find this behaviour so strange.

He knows our relationship is over, no doubt about it. I mean I was with someone else for almost a year. Its the whole guilt trip with my family thats annoying me most of all to be honest as its nothing to do with them. They havent blanked him etc yet he called my cousin with all the "oh it wont be the same now and I understand etc etc but I will miss you all". My family have told him that he wont be forgotten, I mean they have known him from he was a teenager, they arent cruel people, they just want to move ahead with things.

My relationship with him is over, I would like to meet someone new and move on with things. I suppose Im wondering why my ex is doing this. He still has his own family support/outings/celebrations etc and he comes from a large family so there is always something going so whats the interest in mine.

I wonder also what his girlfriend is making of this. If I try to look at it from her perspective I would be wondering what the hell is going on?

Im confused.

This is a difficult one because there are no 'rules'. If you had a reasonably amicable break up it's understandable your family won't want to snub your ex.

My ex's family don't want anything to do with me for whatever their reasons are, so for me it's easy. My family still send my ex Christmas & birthday cards but he isn't invited to any of their celebrations out of respect for me.

Perhaps you could have a word with your family and explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable to have him included so much? It does sound as if your ex just can't move on - this should be a logical, if perhaps gradual step forward after a break up.

Sorry its taking me ages to reply, had to go out unexpectedly so no access to internet for a while.

What I have done is speak to one of my cousins this afternoon. Explained the situation and she actually said she was relieved I had brought it up - that although she got on great with my ex (we all kept company for years since we were teenagers) that she hoped he understood that it just wasnt going to work inviting him everywhere and in fact myself and whomever I was bringing along would take priority regarding family stuff.

"retro" thanks for replying. The breakup was not amicable at the start but has gotten to be now if you know what I mean. We really should have split up a long time ago but stayed together so when eventually we did split there was a certain amount of relief involved in it - as well as all the other emotions.

My family, to be fair to them, havent been inviting him to anything family oriented. They do talk to him, will wish him a happy birthday etc, drop and email to him to ask how its going but he appears to be a bit manipulative to me, ie making people feel bad about the fact that I was getting an invite (and obviously whomever Im dating).

I get on well with my ex's family, althought I dont cross the line. Wished his sister well and sent a gift when she had her baby (new cousin for my dc), all very civil but I dont expect to be included anymore in family stuff nor do I seek to be. Whats funny about it is that if I were doing it he would strenuously object.

I think it might be jealousy regarding a new person coming in and in essence taking his place - but thats how it has to be surely, people move on, thats as it should be.

It is all so difficult. My brother-in-law told my ex that if he abandoned his family (me and DD) he would also be rejecting his. So no relationship has been possible and yes, I would have found it uncomfortable if it had. Friends easily divide into two camps you will find. My mother-in-law is awkward but polite when she arranges to see DD. I gave her a present for her birthday and will for Christmas. Sadly, there is an unwinding that needs to happen, unless things are very amicable...

Ours alas is full of sadness and anger. Sometimes time changes things - my ex certainly thinks this will be the case. I do not.

I had this with an ex.

Yeah, sometimes really special and 'separate' relationships might get formed with family members that endure, but I think in most cases it is a bad idea for your ex to stay in contact with your relatives (who are yours for keeps, and for good or bad in most cases) just because in the long run one of the points in splitting up with someone is to leave proper space in your life for a new partner.

I know there are exceptions, but I'd have too much pride to do anything rather than politely clear out of the life of the relatives of any ex of mine, and these days I'd expect the same back.

Friends are trickier because they can more truly become 'both' of yours.

The thing is that I dont mind him having friendships, just dont want him making anyone - myself included if Im honest - uncomfortable because of it.

I recently finished with a guy - he wasnt great and I left him - I had trouble with this guy's ex, she basically didnt want us to frequent any places that she would be, ie wine bars etc etc in fact she would often text him saying ie "I will be in XXX Winebar tonight" so basically we would be expected to either leave if we were there or change our plans if we were intending on going.

She too was insensed at the thought of us attending any sort of communal function. However my ex is just seeming to want to remain part of my family with no consideration for me or anyone new I may want to introduce. Its awful to be honest.

I chatted to a friend about this who just popped around and she thinks its a jealousy thing with him, ie he feels usurped (im the one who left him although tbh it could have been either one of us and should have happened ages ago). He is seeing someone else who lives in a different country so lots of flights etc and arrangements with dc fittirng around it. I try to accommodate as much as I can, keeping amicable is important to me which is why this drives me mad!!

The guy I was dating had dc - I remember one occassion my ex telephoning me while ex's dc was in my house and being in a strop saying "ill call you back, cant hear for some child screaming" which I found rude and uncalled for. Another time was when he saw me in a car with my then boyfriend and his dc and left a horrible voicemail commenting on "what a lovely family" followed on by shouting etc.

I think I will have to approach him about it - any suggestions on what to say?