Emotional Roller Coaster/can I ever trust him again?

[Mumski]

Sorry I hijacked sykes thread so have started a new one. Found out H was having an affair with wife of our best friend - how cliche is that!
It's been fairly hellish since yesterday as I've rediscovered feelings big time as for the last week I think I've just been numb. I can't stop crying. He says he has finished with her but wants to let her down gently so they are still texting and speaking on the phone. (she has bunny boiling potential - mental note to buy lock for rabbit cage at lunch time). He is still begging to come back, but I just can't /won't face it. Did you other wise and strong women find you are on a complete emotional roller coaster? Contempating shreading all his new clothes he obviously bought to impress her. can't get the picture of the 2 of them together out of my head. It just keeps running like a very bad film.

poor pooryou.

are you planning to let him back ?
how did you discover.?

Mumski - so sorry that he's put you through all this.
Imust say that it is INCREDIBLY understanding of you to allow him to let her down gently!! Why is he considering her feelings though??? Surely he just end it suffer the consequences of his mess?

I hope it all works out, I don't know how I would react, but you sound very together and strong. There are loads of MNttrs here who know what you're going through and can give you lots of great advice. Where is he staying at the moment? Have you spoken to this woman, I mean does she know that you know???

Good luck.

Mumski it is a hellish rollercoater ride and I have been where you are but it does get better.
If you decide to take him back that is entirely your decision and NEVER feel pressured into doing it for him or for the sake of your children.Do it for yourself.

Also he is making a lot of effort isnt he (sorry to be blunt here) if he was that determined to get back home with you and the children he would end it with the floozy FULL STOP.
Let her down gently is just an excuse IMO as it seems to me he is keeping all his options open.
Sorry for that but I think it needed to be said.

hugs
xxx

I agree with doormat. 'Letting her down gently' is wrong - for her (as if you cared about her, I know!) and, more importantly, for you. Why should you put up with MORE crap from him? Please, please, if you are considering taking him back, make sure as far as possible that he has ended it. Otherwise more rolls on the rollercoaster could happen.

I am so sorry. It sounds completely awful.

really sorry to hear this mumski. but I agree that the letting her down gently bit is CRAP and you should tell him so. never been in this situation, but I feel for you enormously, best of luck.

Oh God. No experience in this so no practical advice really. Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear what's happened. You must be sick to your stomach. Keep strong - there'll be some great advice along soon.

Mumski - think I've explained my situation before - your post is so similar to what mine could have been - even down to the bunny boiler bit. In my experience there's NO hope if he continues to be in touch with the other person. And I mean MO CONTACT OF any kind. My h did the same thing - text/phone calls etc (to let her down gently until I said call her once more/accept a call and you're out - the good it did me as she still got in touch and it eventually all started up again. This other woman is still in your relationship. He needs to send her a message, seen by you, that makes it clear in no uncertain terms that it's over, no contact of any kind. But would you trust him? THink I've said counselling etc and a realisation of how hard the next year will be if you have a chance of working things out are really important. The pain eases then hits you like a hammer on the head again and it is strongest when you see how much your children miss their father. I think you need some space, take some advice get as much support as possible and TRY to think about the two different futures that may be possible. Am rambling. My emotional rollercoaster is still going strong six months later. Lots of luck. If you want to e-mail me, please do.

Agree with Doormat. It's not over unti it's over. And that means no more contact - ever.

Mumski, I agree with these other wise Mn-ers: you are right to keep him at a distance and protect yourself from him. What possible other reason could he have for wanting to 'let her down gently' other than because that would enable him to remain in contact? What exactly is he trying to salvage? Your instincts are right. Unless he will stand firm alongside you and make an assertive stand against any pet-massacre, he hasn't made the shift in his own head. And as Doormat says, you need to make decisions on your own terms for the future. And that's hard to do whan your so shell-shocked, so don't be pressureised. Sorry, sorry, sorry. this is so horrid for you. Are you still in communication with her other half? What is happening in their relationship?

Her husband and I have been keeping each other sane for the last week and he has been through hell too. (we've all been friends for about 18 years) He suspected for a while she was having an affair and then discovered it was MY h. have now told H no more contact. I think he has done this because all of a sudden shes gone from wanting a divorce NOW to 'lets not be hasty'. The problem is it has helped in the last week or so to swop 'b' stories with him. But now she is obviously telling her H anything he wants to hear. I don't want to hear it as she will have an agenda. But I don't want to stop supporting him. Sorry to witter. Does it make sense. Our bunny did go missing last night - but fortunatly turned up in the garage and not in the pan. Have also agreed to try counselling - he suggested it and arranged every thing. Haven't agreed for him to come back. Wants to buy me new car/ flowers every day for the rest of my life (didn't get a dandylion before) - whatever it takes to convince me/didn't realise what he had until he thought he had lost it etc etc. Sykes can I copy you list - it was so sassy. I feel i don't know if I'm on my a* or elbow. Good thing my boss is so understanding as haven't done anything productive for days. Sorry to ramble....

Mumski, you're doing brilliantly well to even be at work. I SO hope it works out for you all. How are the girls? Take your time and don't rush anything. I was so eager to reconcile (was it first/second time he left - both, probably) that I let him come home as soon as he wanted to. I was advised that we should have had a temporary seperation - sure it's different in every case. Can't believe you've known them for 18 years - presume she was a friend - well, obviously not a real friend. How horrible for you.

Mumski I think if you want to take him back you have to decide what is more important your future with your dh or your friendship with this couple.I understand about the support but there comes a time when it can more harm than good. It will only serve as a reminder that what has gone on with their affair you keeping it touch with her dh.I can imagine it being a swapping stories, times and dates that have been odd, this must be not doing you any good.
You need time-out for yourself, take a break even to a friend or relative for a couple of days to recharge your batteries with or without the kids and think what the future holds for YOU.
hugs and take care
xxx

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Very good point about the self-torturing, Twinkie.

Please, also, don't let yourself be drained to the point of supporting other people (like your husband) at your own expense.

Mumski - no experience, but thinking of you.

Interesting what Twinkie says about the time he spent with her - It must be easier just to forget allthat

Sorry to hear this mumski. What are these men on that they think their WIVES need to support them in their quests to let their MISTRESSES down gently ffs?!!! God, we need an absolutely furious emoticon here. Sympathy mumski.

Mumski, no advice except I agree with the rest on being firm and not permitting any contact whatsoever. Also want to say that despite all of this, it sounds like you are keeping your sense of humor. Glad you have found your bunny in tact.

How are you today, Mumski?

Thanks all for the messages, they/you are fantastic. Yesterday was so aweful. had to keep leaving meetings at work to hid in the loos and weep. But today I'm feeling really ok. Did some serious damage to the credit card last night and feel better for it. Read 'after the affair' - a Relate book I found in Smiths. Mostly v. useful but what t*er would advise "try to stay calm as you are being told about the affair - try not to get angery"!!!!!!!
Doing angery BIG TIME. Can I confess.... I've rubbed chilli powder in his knickers!!! How childish. Just waiting for a result. He'll probably think he has a dose of somthing nasty. Any more suggestions any one.?

lol Mumski!

Read the thread entitled "Revenge"! It was floating arounf yesterday.... plenty tips there!

Hang in there.

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Gosh, Mumski, wish I'd done the chilli powder thing when I had the chance. How are the children. Sorry yesterday was so awful. Good idea about the book, hope it helps. Glad you're feeling better. If you're going to go to Relate it's fairly hard to get an appointment - I'm sure there are other alternatives - but as Christmas is a fairly pressured time anyway, I'd get all the support you possibly can as soon as you can. Lots of luck.