Stuck in limbo

[HalleysWaitress]

dh has moved out. i feel much better at home and i am mostly a lot happier. dh is really not as far as i can see. dh behaviour towards me is quite awful imo.

when i think about the future though i feel really sad that we wont be a family. sometimes i just want to ask him to come home and forget it all even though i know id be really letting myself and dc down ifi did this :(

How long ago has he moved out? Is he still being "awful" to you now, or does that refer to his treatment of you before you split?

Good that you feel better and happier - it shows that you made the right decision. As does your knowledge - despite your sadness - that taking him back would be letting you and DC down.

Let go the guilt that your husband is not feeling better and happier about the split: his emotional well-being is not your responsibility; it is his alone.

Of course you are sad about losing the family life you had hoped for: this is a loss. It must be grieved. Your feelings are completely understandable and normal.

keep saying to yourself "this too will pass", there is always stuff to grieve, let yourself but also remember why you are apart.

all the best to you

thanks for the replies. dh has mostly consistant and helpful with the dc but with me he is worse than ever and i am heading toward requesting clinical dc handovers so i barely have to speak to him. in some ways we are still quite chummy but if riled he obviously feels no need to restrain himself and i get yelled at full throttle with added name calling/abusive language.

Right, the behaviour you describe is just not on. Do find a way not to have to interact with him at handovers. Are there any support workers involved in your case that you can report this to? Can his contact with the DC happen at a contact centre?

My OH is just the same except for the consistency and helpfulness with DCs bit. His behaviour has worsened too. Get yourself away from him as much as possible and do your essential communication via email or text so you have physical distance and more control over your environment...you actually don't have to have any contact with him at all, the contact is for the DCs...so you can arrange it how you like.

no no intervention at all...not really got that far though apparently he is instructing solicitors now. i will get one of my own its just the cost of it scares me though i am working. i think dh is hoping i will give in but i wont.

he is doing other controlling stuff but i cant detail on here or he will recognise me/us.

Name change????? start a new thread:there's so much help to be had on MN and if you feel you lack support or clarity I have found these wonderful ladies invaluable.

i have namechanged! i'd be quite impressed if dh cracked this namechange as its a song by a random band i like but he will recognise the situation i mean

PS if my OH looked (which he is too lazy to do fortunately) he would mistakenly identify himself on so many relationship posts........so you could probably disguise enough to keep your anonymity and still get some outside perspective.

maybe dress the situation up differently but with the behaviour the same if you feel you need to vent/talk/ask opinions?

its hard. i need to talk about so much but cannot. this is a thread about a thread and some posters know who i am (which is fine) but i hope its because they rae brighter than dh!

Oh well... if general encouragement will do anything for you....my OH was "asked to leave" 4 weeks ago. Since then his behaviour towards me has got increasingly bad, he is an emotional and verbal abuser of me and the children. Apparently it is not uncommon for these men to unravel a bit as their control slips.

Just try to stay safe, stay away from him as much as is humanly possible, get yourself some real life support and a "teflon overcoat"...one wise woman told me to imagine him as a wave breaking over me then passing on...leaving me still standing...quite a useful image for me.

I wish you all the best, I am sure you will continue to feel better. And it is not your job to make him feel better. You asked him to go for a reason, remember the reason(s) and if you know it was the right thing then stick to your guns. Life will get better.

i need to talk about so much but cannot.

You certainly can: there's bound to be a support group, or counsellor near you, and WA are but a phone call away.

i am seeing a counsellor but its well nigh impossible now with childcare. tbh though thats not going to calm dh down is it? like idea o support group though. its funny i always think of the group for lone parents in that film About a Boy. I owuld like to tlak over so much on mn but that has (intentionally) been taken from me

Nothing you do or do not do is going to calm your H down. Only he can do that. You don't need to limit your life out of fear of his reaction: it's out of your control.

Support groups are great. The MN abuse support thread has been mine, but a "real" one might be just what you need.

wouldnt know where to look even? in some ways i feel really trapped. that i've got him out but i still have to deal with him/humour him. its shit

You don't have to humour him. Really, you don't.

Regarding finding a support group: see if there is a Freedom Programme near you (Google it). Ask your GP, your counsellor, or your local WA about an abuse survivors' support group. There will be one, somewhere. Because this shit is all too common...

Sorry Halley that your H is stalking you on MN. I had the same problem with mine when I was considering leaving him for EA. He "wanted to know what I was thinking" and felt justified in hacking my laptop, reading my emails and tracking down all my posts which he saved and printed out then argued with. Eventually I realised it really didn't matter what he said/thought . I dodged and dived a few times with name changes until he got bored because he didnt learn anything new.
Why not name change to something drab for a bit and come on over to the EA thread?

thanks little - yes pretty much all of that is/has been happening - will come to EA tomorrow x

see you there