Two days before xmas my husband was looking a bit funny and i asked him what was wrong and then after pressing further he came out with loads of stuff. We had been trying for a baby since beginning of year and i'd told him my period had come again and he said well actually i wanted to talk abou tthat and told me he didn't think he wanted another baby as it would put too much stress on our relationshiop and felt we were doing it just to have a sibling for our other child, that i could take, then he goes onto say he has given up caffeine, cakes choc and is becoming a vegetarian (still no problem here as i am veggie). Right so he gets all this off his chest and still he is biting his lip and looking guilty so i press him further....
He then says that he has had a mutual attraction with someone at work (which is where all these changes above re veggie etc have been influenced by) and that he had sent some emails to her and received mutual emails back and that this is a huge thing as in 15 years this has never happened to him before and is so significant. Anyway he said they met up for coffee and agreed that they were both in happy relationsihps and this had to stop. I have no problem with the attraction thing as everyone is atttracgted to others but the problem is why he felt the need to send the emails in teh first place, he says its an ego thing probably and heat of the moment over xmas. He says it has made him love me more but things just don't seem right now.
I have totally lost my self confidence. He says they are just friends now and he does have to work with her but i said i would be more comfortable if they didn't meet ujp on their own socially for coffee etc and he really seemed to fight over this which made me more suspicous. He said that i can trust him and there is nothing to worry about but i pointed out to him that if he is attracted to her then surely the attraction will increase the more he spends time with her ? So i took back about saying he shouldn't see her anymore as that makes me look like i don't trust him and makes me the bad guy.
Over the xmas holidays he has been distant, moody and snappy to our child.
Last night he came back from work looking all guilty and shellshocked again. He went on to say that he bumped into this other woman in the corridor and it was apparent that his feelings were still there and told her he had missed her and they went into an office to discuss things.
From what i could get from the holes in the things he was telling me she had said that she had channelled in the experience into her relationship in a positive way and had proposed to her boyfriend although had not told her boyfriend these issues that had been happening with my dh but was acknowledging her feelings for my dh but said she didn't want to break up a marriage and even if she was single she still would pursue my husband, but what is she doing to him and what is he saying to her for her to say these things. She seems to be playing games with my dh and he has become totally infatuated with her which he admitted to me. She said to him she dosen't want to break up a marriage but she is doing a great job at it - wouldn't anyone normal when they knew someone was married reject any advances made???
He has said he is now avoiding her but will this not make the situation worse???? Should i approach her and talk through all the pain and hurt she and him have caused this christmas and ask her not to acknowledge her feelings to him again and to back off so she gets a real picture rather than me being the "wifey" in the background, will it make it more real for her what she has been doing with my dh?. Up until christmas i thought we were in a happy relationship trying for baby 2 now everything has been destroyed. He was even defending her when i pointed out a few negative things about her!!!
He says none of this is a reflection on how he feels about me but then at no time when i was upset did he try and comfort me or say sorry or say he loved me until i prompted him. I almost feel tired of trying, i have moved into the spare bedroom as how can i sleep with someone who is thinking and infatuating about someone else??? Makes me feel second best.
Any words of help, advice would be really helpful as don't know quite where to turn next and what to do for the best. Don't know how long i can wait for him to start treating me like a human being again and respecting me and loving me again, am i just setting myself up and my family for a bigger fall by staying in this relationship.