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Original poster

can you see the difference...

19 replies

santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 04/01/2006 10:02

between a text saying "sorry i forgot your birthday"
and a text saying "sorry i am such a shit husband"?

I feel that the former can be forvigen and it seems "cleaner" emtionally

the latter makes me have to say " no you are not a shit husband, you did a forgetful thing, you are fine etcetc etc"
It seems that i need to bolster him up everytime he upsets me

Does this make semse or am i splitting hairs here??

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 10:04

I completely agree with you. The "shit husband" text seems rather babyish - a way of avoiding taking adult responsibility for making an adult's mistake.

zephyrcat · 04/01/2006 10:06

It makes me think of what my Mum used to say to me..."If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place"

But yes, agree with SD.

mazzystar · 04/01/2006 10:08

makes total sense

he's made it all about him

rather than all about sorry

lou33 · 04/01/2006 10:10

text back saying yes he is a shit husband

Original poster
santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 04/01/2006 10:13

but he isn't a shit husband.
and we have been sooo busy and emotionally stressed recently.
i understand how he forgot and forgive him totally.
but i have to wade thru his crap to get to a place with him so that i can forgive him....iyswim

i on't know if he will understand if i tell him.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 10:14

I think I would use that text as an opportunity to talk with him about the bolstering thing. The text is annoying, but I'm guessing his confidence/self esteem is pretty low and that is what needs addressing?

lou33 · 04/01/2006 10:15

it doesn't matter if you think he is or not, he is trying to absolve himself, so turn it back to him

i think it is shitty that he didnt remember your birthday

spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 10:17

it is shitty, but turning it back on him won't help to make things better

Original poster
santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 04/01/2006 10:18

ohhh can't somebody else address it? i m busy- 2yr old, 5 month old, mum died, brother missing- aybe a junkie in amsterdam, father behaving like a nutter- chucking out all of our childood photo after mum died...

all i want to do is tell him he is forgiven and wait for the big buncg of flowers
i don't want to have to tell him he is a lovely person etc....
agree sd but why do i have to do it this time????
can't somebody else#????

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 10:19

oops - i'll come and have a word with him

sorry to hear about all the stress going on in your life btw and if it's your birthday today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

lou33 · 04/01/2006 10:22

i dont understand, if you dont think he is a shit h, and you have forgiven him, is there really a problem?

and happy birthday

Original poster
santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 04/01/2006 10:22

yhanks...oh no, please don't turn this into a happy birthday thread, i couldn't cope!![ smile]

OP posts:
Original poster
santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 04/01/2006 10:24

because he has made it into athing where i have to tell him he is great, lovely etc, and can't jus say, "that's ok"

maybe i ma too complicated about it, lou33.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 04/01/2006 10:27

I can see what you're saying oops - it's not just the fact he's forgotten your birthday, it's the fact that you're having to bolster his self esteem, and obviously this isn't the first time. You've already got two children, and you don't need another (overgrown) one! You obviously love him (you'd be entitled to be angry about him forgetting your birthday, but you are ready to forgive him) - so it's a case of wanting to (a) not have to bolster his self esteem all the time and (b) help him to feel better about himself so these things don't happen in the first place.

Am I right?

WigWamBam · 04/01/2006 10:31

Maybe he's telling the truth - maybe having forgotten your birthday has made him feel like a shit husband, which is why he's sent the text - perhaps he's being honest about how he sees himself. I know that when my dh says he's a crap husband he's not saying it to get me to contradict him, he's saying it because he feels it.

If you want to tell him he's forgiven then tell him he's forgiven - but without telling him that he's great, lovely and all the other things that you think he wants you to say. If you don't want to boost his ego (and I can fully understand why you don't want to) then don't!

But then I think you also need to sit down and talk about the way that this has made you feel, and the fact that you feel he is turning everything around so that his upsetting you becomes your responsibility, not his.

And happy birthday!

Bugsy2 · 04/01/2006 11:14

How about "no yr not, just sort out my prezzie!"
That way, you quickly acknowledge that you don't think he is a shit husband but you also give a little prompt for the big bunch of flowers!
Happy Birthday, by the way.

twotonetinsel · 04/01/2006 14:44

Here's a confession. I gave my husband a bollocking for buying champagne just because his parents were coming to stay.

It turned out it was for our 10th wedding anniversary and I had completely forgotten it, as usual.

Original poster
santagotstuckOOPSthechimney · 05/01/2006 06:42

after a lovely day spent with a mate anf her kids, i came home,
dh organised a sitter and we went out to local tapas place.
we had a lovely meal and natter, he does understand why i was annoyed by the wordking of the txt.....and all's well
thanks for your input, i was fuming yesterday, but much better now

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 12:42

I'm glad you're feeling better - also glad that he understands how you feel about the wording of the text, maybe he'll think twice in future!

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