Dh, sex, pregnancy and him being a wanker

[knackeredandshattered]

Im currently 9 weeks pregnant, with mine and DHs first child.

I have a 6 year old, and he has 4 older children, so he is not a pregnancy novice.

I am suffering morning sickness in a way i never did before, and i basically feel sick 24 hours a day. Its pretty debiliatating, and nothing helps.

I work, and i do most of the stuff here, so on top of the sickness im pretty fucked tbh.

Dh is pretty keen on sex, and i've tried to carry on with sex as normal for the last 9 weeks.

I'm having a lot of sleep problems, due to feeling sick, and am often waking up in the night to find DH trying to have sex with me, which i usually am ok with, but its not really helping matters.

Yesterday morning i said no, and this morning i said no, as i simply couldnt find the energy/will/enthusiasm for it.

This morning DH simply stopped cuddling me, rolled over and started to sulk. I spoke to him about it, and he told me that as i am away this weekend (staying at my mums for a rest) and he didnt get sex yesterday, he was "very disappointed in me, and that had he know it'd be like this, he would simply not have got me pregnant"

I was flabbergasted, and actually speechless at his attitude.

Since when did going away for a weekend because you are dead on your feet, entitle the other person to sex whenever they want it? He also told me that my sickness might be an excuse, but doesnt excuse it.

He has ignored me all day now, when usually he would text me to see if im ok. When i asked him this morning if he'd miss me this weekend, he told me "sorry, probably be too busy to think about you at all".

Im hormonal, but on top of everything its really upset me. My last pregnancy i had SPD, and sex had to go on hold. How is he going to be if i cant do it for a few months?

Im really shocked at his attitude. In fact, its had me on the verge of tears all day.

Why be like that? i dont know if im over reacting or what, but its really got me. It makes me feel as if im only good for sex tbh.

I may have worded it wrong, but we have had night sex for years, where he rolls over and tries it on. I don't have an issue with it and I'm not being abuse

BUT he knows that right now you are unwell, you are not feeling in the mood, and are very unlikely to consent. So what else can you call it apart from abuse??

Very different to consensual night sex where you are both happy to do it. He knows this. He is being abusive.

urg what a prick!

I'm sorry I have no words to express my disdain for him..

What you need to do is make him understand you are NOT there to satisfy his sexual needs, that's not your sole role in life. If he can't appreciate how ill you are and that you need love, care and reassurance, not childish sulking and quite frankly revolting behaviour, then he can bugger off.

to quote someone more pithy than I not so much red flags, as red bunting....

I'd do one thing for him- pack a suitcase.

He treats you as a possession. I don't see any love or respect in your post on his side. He is acting like a spoilt, arrogant brat. How that will improve when your baby arrives I don't know.

Are you a doll? no
Are you a robot? no

Tell him to fuck off and the divorce papers are in the post the selfish bastard!!!!!! My dp agrees with me too btw, from a decent man's perspective.

I think this is genuinely disturbing, - not so much the night sex stuff (OP said that usually this is ok, but when she wasn't happy with it, she said so and he stopped, so I don't think it is rape/assault) but his attitude is really, really nasty.

You say he has 4 kids already, yet didn't expect you to experience a change of sexual desire towards him. This either means that a) he managed to browbeat his previous partner into having sex with him every day during her pregnancies, bf and her children's early years, and he expects the same from you, or b) he KNOWS he is being unreasonable, cruel, manipulative and abusive and is doing it anyway.

I think he knows his behaviour is bad, - he is just trying to see how far he can push you.

Christ on a bike! This is horrendous behaviour from him. I'm totally speechless. I hope you can see the reality of what he is like before your child is born and hightail it out of there.
STREWTH.

How awful!!! Why does he not understand you are ill!

Off at a tangent, any chance it's twins with you being so much more sick this time?

for you. What do you think the future holds for you? How does your dd get on with him? I couldn't live with a sulker who treated me like that and don't think it's a good thing for her to see. How does he get on with ex?

Don't panic OP, I had twins and had no sickness at all.

Hope you're having a lovely rest at your mum's.

This is sexual and emotional abuse OP. I can't see how things are going to get any better as your pregnancy progresses, never mind when the baby arrives. He'll be constantly on at you for sex and criticising you when he doesn't get it. No wonder you're upset, his behaviour is beyond horrible. You are going to be the mother of his child, he should be treating you with respect and consideration.

He's a walking arsehole.

Oh, and if he believes you are making up your sickness, next time you throw up make sure it's not in the loo but all over him - preferably his face or his priapic willy.

I didn't want to say this OP but he reminds me of my ex. He used to say things like this and think I was the unreasonable one. It ended up being an extremely abusive relationship and nearly broke me. He is so far in the wrong and still believes he is right....surely this is alarming for you?

He sounds vile.
This is sexual and emotional abuse.
And although you work, are feeling like shite, you're still doing most of the housework?
When you're at your mum's, take some time to think about whether you want this abusive arsehole in your life.

OMG I am disgusted by his attitude.
OP you seem to have snagged a man who has the mistaken belief that he deserves sex whenever he desires it and you are there to serve him.
He will not change his view, they don't change men like that.
He will go elsewhere for it if he "doesn?t get it at home" because it is his god given right.
I really feel for you.

"I may have worded it wrong, but we have had night sex for years, where he rolls over and tries it on. I don't have an issue with it and I'm not being abused."

Can you see that this is just wrong on so many levels. I am no expert but to me it smacks of you having been conditioned to think that this is acceptable and what normal couples do. Of course normal couples do engage in night sex but I should think most men wake their partners enough for them to consent and, I would hope, most women are not just complying because they don't have an issue with it but because they are aroused and want to participate in the night sex.

My STBXHs abusive behaviour started when I was pregnant with our first child, they can manifest themselves as a normal person until they are not the centre of attention and then that is when the sulking, bullying, game playing and abuse starts.

I cannot emphasise how much you need to analyse this now before you commit you and your child to this man. They say the average abused woman will make 7 seven attempts to leave before they actually do. it took me 14 years, 10 years of marriage with 3 kids in tow. I cannot stress how much I wish I had never put my kids through it.

You've declined to have sex twice and he's acting like this? He's a bully. A BULLY.

I agree with Saggy - my ex started abusing me when I was pregnant. Not so much physically but emotionally at that stage. It took 6 years and 1 dc. Thankfully I met the man who is now my dh who gave me the strength I needed to get out and stay out. Like Saggy I regret putting my ds through that for so long.

(((hug))) lazarusb

OP this relationship is doomed because this man is a shitbag. Sorry, but there it is. He considers women facilities, not human beings. I'm afraid your choices are: get out now with minimal damage or 'work on it' and have to get out later with your self esteem in shreds and quite possibly some physical damage as well.

It is extremely common for abuse to either begin or escalate during pregnancy.

There are a few reasons for this: Jealousy, as has already been mentioned. Abusive men don't like their partners attention being diverted away from them. Also, you are more vulnerable and dependent during pregnancy and therefore less likely to leave. Abusive men will then feel more comfortable in stepping things up a gear. Lastly, your partner will view the fact that you're pregnant with his child as further confirmation that you are 'his' - that you belong to him. Therefore in his mind he can do what he likes with you.

I know these things are hard to hear about someone you have invested time and emotions in. To you he's your partner, someone you love, and it's very hard to believe that he doesn't have your best interests at heart and that his behaviour isn't simply some sort of mistake/misunderstanding/temporary abberation.

But the bottom line is that he believes he has every right to treat you this way. He does not believe he is doing anything wrong and underlying that belief is his firmly held notion that he is much more important than you, that his needs come first, and that you should believe this too and act accordingly. If you don't act accordingly then he has the right to use whatever means are at his disposal to ensure your compliance.

A relationship with a man who has these beliefs about men and women and how they should relate to each other, never ends well. To change himself and to start treating you decently and with respect, he would have to change his entire world view. The behaviour will not and cannot change until the underlying belief system that drives the behaviour changes. This cannot happen without him first accepting that his behaviour and belief system is damaging to both himself and others. He would then need to commit to some serious soul searching and long-term outside help. And even after all that there would be no guarantees I'm afraid. People do not see their core beliefs as subjective ideas - they see them as fact. Therefore changing them is extremely difficult.

So it then becomes a question of what you want. What do you want your relationship to look like? What are your boundaries? What are your deal breakers? What sort of relationship do you wish to model for your children? What sort of man do you want to give your love and trust to?

Sending you much virtual moral support at this difficult time op. I hope things work out well for you.

"He also told me that my sickness might be an excuse, but doesnt excuse it."

Since when did anyone, in the context of a loving, mutual relationship, actually need an "excuse" not to have sex?