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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh is a nice, kind fella but I just have no idea how I got here

21 replies

Mochamoo · 18/11/2011 13:47

Ok probably going to get flamed and have name changed for this, but I am just not sure how I got here with my dh. We have been together for 15 years and have 2 dc's and I really have nothing to complain about other than the fact that I just don't find him attractive and I'm not sure I ever did...

I was quite insecure when we got together and he kind of looked after me in a way - he had a career, I was at uni and had had a tough last 5 years so I think I was craving security which he gave me but now I look at him and he seems old and i dont fancy him at all and I just wonder how it happened and how on earth this can continue for ever. I know this is not at all his fault but I just feel trapped. I can't bear to get intimate but we get on well generally although I am starting to be difficult and moody (subconsciously I think I am pushing him away).

Is this it? Is this normal? Do I just have to accept this is married life? It's not even as if I want something else and I desperately don't want to screw things up for the kids but really is this how it will always be?

OP posts:

tigermoll · 18/11/2011 13:56

really is this how it will always be?

Umm, no. It will get worse unless you do something about it.

The thing is, when you're unhappy its tempting to say 'I never loved you' or 'I never really felt the right way about you' as a get-out from the mariage, and that may or may not be the case. You are looking back and convincing yourself that the relationship never made you properly happy, and it was a mistake from the start.

I would NEVER advocate someone staying in an unhappy r/ship, but I think you should give your marriage another chance before you call time, and either decide to leave or (much the WORST option) decide to stay, but stay miserable and drift into affairs and coldness.

snuffaluffagus · 18/11/2011 14:04

It's really easy to fall into a routine and stay with someone because they are familiar, safe, reliable etc. Did you not have these thoughts when he proposed or when you planned children etc? Is it just a recent feeling? You say you're not if you were ever attracted to him.. do you love him?

If this is making you unhappy, then it will start to make him and your children unhappy too so it will have to be resolved, be that through therapy (either just you or both of you) or you breaking up.

You only get one life and you should do what feels right, but obviously with consideration for his feelings..

FabbyChic · 18/11/2011 14:57

Your feelings have changed, you can't help that, you used to find him attractive and you used to care, you no longer see him like that because the feelings have gone.

Time to get out of your marriage and move on.

sternface · 18/11/2011 15:01

Is there another man involved in this, perchance?

Original poster

Mochamoo · 18/11/2011 15:16

thank you, i think you have told me what i sort of know but dont want to admit. It just seems so harsh on him to ruin things when it seems to be my problem. No other men involved though, and I don't really plan to, I just feel like I am living a lie,mbut this seems so unfair on the kids and what is generally a good life.

OP posts:

Redrubyblues · 18/11/2011 15:23

How would you feel if he had an affair?

Redrubyblues · 18/11/2011 15:30

I mean emotionally. Would you be totally shattered by that or just the opposite?

juneau · 18/11/2011 15:39

What happens next is up to you. If you've really never found him attractive and don't want to be intimate with him any more then I can't help feeling your marriage is all but over. Is he okay with a sexless marriage? Are you? Because if the answer to either of those questions is 'no' then it seems like a matter of time before one of you suggests a separation. Is this what you want? Do you want to work on this relationship and see if it can be salvaged? I think you need to figure out what you want.

FabbyChic · 18/11/2011 15:57

He deserves to be with someone who loves him who finds him attractive this isn't just about you.

Original poster

Mochamoo · 18/11/2011 17:51

Redruby - I think I would probably be relieved if he had an affair. I know it is being a coward but the poor guy has done nothing wrong and tries so hard. I can't help wondering though have I made mt bed and now how have to lie in it (so to speak ;-))

Fabby - I know exactly what you are saying but if he is happy now with things as they are, is he really better off with someone who does find him attractive than someone who does care and still have his children and family life (albeit not ideal). Is it really that simple?

Juneau -I really am trying to work out what I want, and although sexless seems ok now, I'm not sure if it is sustainable long term - would I be postponing the inevitable, I really don't know.

Thank you for your comments, I really need some way to talk about this.....

OP posts:

mycherubs · 18/11/2011 19:05

poor guy - imagine if it was the other way round, god help the bloke

Original poster

Mochamoo · 18/11/2011 19:16

Good point my cherubs but if it was the other way round - what would you suggest?

OP posts:

PhantomPAYNE · 18/11/2011 19:43

Are you sure your feelings are permanent and not likely to change? I know that is a is difficult question to answer. Please take the time to be sure that you are not projecting feelings about other areas of your life onto your husband/married life.

I have know friends who have expressed similar sentiments and for a while thought seriously about leaving their DPs. One didn't and just kept 'plodding on' and later felt quite differently. One of the things she identified was having small children/lack of sleep/life being very hard as the reasons why she felt as she did.

The other went to counselling to talk through her feelings and decided to end her relationship.

mynewpassion · 18/11/2011 21:42

Have you even tried working at your marriage? Have you guys tried talking about what's wrong within your marriage?

If you have been feeling this way, why don't you discuss it, go to counseling, do date nights, or whatever to see if you can fix your marriage. If you can't, then you can't and move toward divorce.

ninah · 18/11/2011 21:44

that's a big thing to complain about .. dunno about what's normal but it ain't right for sure

twolittlemonkeys · 18/11/2011 21:54

Bits of your post really resonated with me. At times I felt just like that, and convinced myself I was never really attracted to DH. I even walked out (whilst pg!) to think things over but came back 48 hours later. 5 years on and we are really happy. Every relationship has blips, and you have to be very careful and be sure you have really tried your best to fix things before throwing in the towel. I'm very relieved I didn't give up on my marriage the first time I had these kind of thoughts. Tiredness, kids, generally feeling bored with aspects of your life can wreak havoc with your relationship if you don't make time for each other. Try to focus on his good points, remember why you fell in love in the first place (there must be more reasons than 'for security') and set aside time to spend together without the kids.

Mum1369 · 18/11/2011 22:04

It sounds like you wouldn't stay in the marriage if it wasn't for the kids, but then you are not sure if it would be better or worse for them if you stayed together. I understand your husband is a kind man, you get on well, but you are really just friends by the sounds of it. And you don't want to upset him by causing huge upheaval in his life and separation from the kids when he really hasn't done anything wrong. Perhaps he hasn't brought this up as he is happy with the status quo, or can't bear to address the alternative. I feel for both of you. Only thing I would suggest is at least try to talk to him about the fact you aren't really 'together' or a least give an opening for further discussion. There's no happy ending in either scenario unfortunately. Sorry you find yourself in this position

suburbophobe · 18/11/2011 22:45

O.k. so you have two kids and no longer fancy your husband....

Are you ready to be a single mum with 2 kids and co-parenting?

That is the question you have to ask yourself.

And I say do it if you want to. No-one is worth hanging onto if the love is not there.

I did it.

So can you. If you feel there is a better life out there for you all, go for it!

Original poster

Mochamoo · 20/11/2011 11:56

Sorry haven't been able to post and have been doing lots of thinking. The idea of being a single mum terrifies me and I guess as mum1369 said we are really just friends, but I still get so irritated by him which I find very hard to conceal. I grew up with my mum constantly rolling her eyes at my dad so don't want to inflict that on the kids.

I can't help wondering whether after 15 years this is just what normal marriages are like, I mean does everyone in a long term relationship always want to be that intimate - really? Do you really feel that warm and loving towards each other all the time? Isn't it at bit selfish of me to throw in the towel when he really hasn't done anything wrong?

OP posts:

qumquat · 20/11/2011 16:48

Oscar Wilde said something along the lines of 'all long term relationships turn into that of a brother and sister with occasional unfortunate bouts of incest'. DP and I have very little/no sex life, but we love each to pieces and we've come to the conclusion that it is too much to throw away for the possibility of more sex. If he's driving you up the wall as well though that's another issue.

mycherubs · 21/11/2011 21:04

my question for OP would be - are you generally happy? or are you depressed, dont want to trivialise your OP - BUT - are you laying all your unhappiness in yourself on your decision to marry him and have babies with him. One can easily do this, since we lash out at those closet to us. Tell us you are seriously happy in all other areas of your life, if you are then perhaps the grass is greener after all ... is he seeming old to you because you feel life is boring together? it does get boring after kids - the mundane day to day - if i was in your shoes the first thing i would do is to start doing stuff with my DH - to generate that friendship again, something you enjoyed before the kids came along - nothing is easy in marriage - its interesting your last post you seem to have ended up acting just like your mother - what other traits have you inherited? this could be the answer you are looking for

btw marriages do have dry spells and it takes work sometimes to get that back - not everyone does - but it isnt abnormal

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