My DP not acknowledging sleep deprivation as a problem

[Goldenbear]

I have an 8 month old who is waking up about 4 times from 8-5:30 and a 4.5 who is at infant school but occasionally still screams out. This has been worse this week as he has been waking with stomach pain. We took him to hospital yesterday because we thought it might be his appendix..Anyway the Doctor sent us on our way saying it was constipation despite him being regular. The pain is still there and last night he was up aswell.

Needless to say I am shattered. I can't seem to get on top of domestic chores despite spending every last minute in the day, cooking washing, cleaning...the usual. The washing is endless because my baby still has really bad reflux, vomiting on most things, sometimes an hour later. Anyway, she is putting on weight so that's the important thing but obviously the cleaning is endless.

My DP will come in and help so will wash up occasionally. Sometimes put washing out and will read with DS if he is home on time. However, the problems between us arise when he makes snidy remarks about the state of the place or the lack of clean clothes for him. For instance this morning my son was asking us to stick a photo of himself with this teddy elephant in a book about what he has got up to with the elephant and write something about it - it is a school project. My DP says, 'I'll do it seen as Mummy hasn't bothered!' Anyway, it had slipped my mind as we were at the hospital yesterday. He then proceeds to tell me to hurry up and get in the shower ad someone has to work! I always gather my hairs from the bath when in the shower (TMI) as he as asked me to do this otherwise the plug gets blocked. I was doing this but heard the baby really crying so left the comb whilst I checked the children as DP was in the other room ironing. He then got into the shower and was accusing me of being disgusting for leaving the comb - I was going to come back for it.

Anyway, I know I'm not on top of things but feel it is all down to sleep deprivation. DP tells me to sleep in the day but it is not an option and besides he already continuosly makes snidy remarks about things not been as they should.

DP works hard and is usually home after bath time, regularly comes in 8 or later. He has also got to complete his Architecture qualification. Work is very pressurised as he works for a very good company there are many who will take his place and they don't mind dismmissing people who are not performing. For instance he is working tomorrow for a couple of hours to meet a client but it is his Birthday so I said could you say no this time. He agreed but yesterday changed his mind as he said it will look better if he goes- of course.

I realise that he works hard for us and I can tolerate this but I cannot be this domestic Goddess on next to nothing sleep. I also cannot cope with limited sleep and sarky hurtful remarks about how I fall down as a partner as a mum. I don't know what to do.

No. I don't think he respects me much either, this is what I fear as it makes me feel like a weak woman. I used to have a very good career, now I don't and I think the respect has diminished as the years have gone on without work.

Tell him to go fuck himself?

Sleep deprivation is absolutely the worse thing ever. Everything is hard work :(
Its used to torture people and there are actually very few scienfific studies done on it as it is dangerous and can cause permanent mental damage.

It also takes a huge toll on your immune system.
I used to work shifts so thought I knew all about sleep deprivation.. I DIDN'T!!! Having a baby waking up through the night like that is exhausting like you wouldn't believe and unless someone has experienced it, they don't understand.

And yes, he's showing you little respect, support or kindness x

constipation - give him regular probiotics - biocare do a powder for kids you can add half teaspoon to yogurt or juice. it really helps. helth food shop will ahve it. £13 per bottle but lasts six weeks or so keep in fridge.

or go back and ask for presciption for movicol or lactulose. did GP feel his tummy was there a blockage? is might need something stronger to shift it. insist on an xray of his tummy. you can have consitpation a blockage even if going regularly.

can you get some extra help in? paid for cleaner for example?

or volunteers homestart/surestart? speak to HV?

does dp show any appreciation of what you do?
can you just ignore his remarks? or use broken record technique saying calmly "I have had very little sleep and my priorities are the DC".

Sleep deprivation is hell. Pure hell. I nearly had a nervous breakdown from it.

Questions:

Does your DP ever take care of the kids in the night so you can get some rest? Obviously he has a high pressure job but he should be able to do this on Saturday nights for example. Then he can begin to understand what you're dealing with.

Can you leave the cleaning during the week and do a big blitz on the weekends, when you are both there?

Can you hire a cleaner? I think, even if you have to cut back on something else, you should really try. This is sort of crisis time.

Can you get a tumble dryer, if you don't have one?

Forget about the hairs in the shower -- that's ridiculous. Get a good catcher for the drain and clean it out once a week. (I have long hair and this works fine.)

Do you have friends or family that can help?

Basically, I think you should try to find all the practical ways you can of making life easier. But I also think your DP needs to seriously adjust his attitude.

lol at cestlavie... I first thought you were talking about ways to keep OP's H up in the night with the laxatives bit slow today!...

Many thanks for your feedback. The practical tips are really helpful, stuff I never would've thought of, I.e biocare and weekend cleans with him helping.

babyhammock, very interesting facts about sleep deprivation. My first child was a terrible sleeper to - he didn't sleep properly until 3.5 so the deprivation has been years.

School have rung me as my son has a temperature of 39 so I have to fly.

Mine was too up until 8 months... He was waking every 1.5 -2 hours. I actually thought I'd die from lack of sleep!

I ended up getting 'the no cry sleep solution' by Elizabeth Pantly. Its the opposite of the cry it out school of thinking. It took about 5-6 weeks to work, but it was brilliant and DS went from the worst sleeper of everyone I knew to the best by far.

I feel for you, it's the most physically and emotionally draining time of your life. I really don't know how you've coped for 3.5 years, I would of cracked way before now. My DP was a bit like that at first, until I started demanding a cleaner, he sooner started pulling his weight because he knows I would of employed one

I'm sorry to be harsh but your DP is a fucking moron to treat you like that. Please don't defend him by saying how much he works hard. He works in an office, it's not back breaking labouring, plus he gets his sleep. I'd be more than happy to tell him and put a few things straight

Sorry, rant over. Can your parents help? Even if they have your youngest in the day so you can get some much needed sleep. Another idea is to employ a cleaner or a night nanny/nurse who can look after your children in the night and do night feeds etc. I know not everyone can afford but I would never put a price on a good nights sleep.

I would also go on strike domestically. Let him launder and iron his clothes, cook his own meals etc. God I sound like a right cow, but I can't believe how badly he is treating you. My blood is boiling

On another note - it doesn't sound like your little boy is well. I don't want to worry you but I had appendicitis as a child, and a high temp and abdominal pain that doesn't go away sounds like the symptoms I had. Can he keep food down? If it persists then take him back to the hospital. I had three doctors tell my parents it wasn't my appendix, it was an upset stomach. Including one who said "The pain with an appendicitis is in the middle of the abdomen, it's never where the appendix actually is". Well mine was. I really hope it's just a bug/constipation etc

Try and sleep in the day!

If DH asks why the domestic tasks aren't completed tell him it was because you were catching up on sleep!

hope your ds is ok?

As for DH, at the weekend go out forthe day leaving him with both DC. Before you go leave him a list of all the things he expects you to do when you're with them all day. When you get home be sure to repeat all the put downs and criticisms that he throws at you.

only the truly sleep-deprived can understand why it's used as a torture method!

I speak as the parent of an ex-prem, home-oxygen baby with ongoing severe reflux - it's bloody hard going.

When DS was on oxygen, my DP had the expectation that I'd be doing the housework since I was at home. I had other ideas & hired a cleaner - one of the best things I have ever done - and he now thinks it's great - but I didn't exactly ask his permission at the time, I just went ahead & did it, paid for by my maternity pay.

As to your LO's reflux - is it being treated? Gaviscon or Domperidone/Omeprazole etc? The reason I ask is that it could be behind your LO's poor sleeping pattern. And yes, reflux creates a huge amount of sleep deprivation/laundry - it also zaps your energy dealing with it. If it's not being treated a trip to your GP is worthwile - but don't be fobbed off by the "all babies are sick" line! It could make your life so much easier if it's treated.

I'm another convert to sleep training - I used Pick-up-put-down by the Baby Whisperer & it worked a treat quickly - without too many tears - you can google it to get the gist.

Perhaps it's time to delegate some domestic duties to him? It sounds like your DH doesn't have any specific responsibilites round the house & it's all left to you with ad-hoc "help" from him. Just because he's working doesn't mean he shouldn't have some responsibilites round the house - clearly-defined so there's no doubt

Good luck

ps have a nap during the day & sod the housework

if sleep deprivation is no big deal, why doesn't he do all the nighttime care. Should be no problem for him, eh?

I think he is being unfair to you. not getting proper sleep makes you ill. really ill.

You make allowances for him as he has a terrible load on him - he needs to make allowances for you too. It really shouldn't be hard for him to start treating you like a partner rather than an opponent. Perhaps he could have a think about this.

I used to have a very good career, now I don't and I think the respect has diminished as the years have gone on without work

you do work, the best part of 24 hours a day, seven days a week with no 6 weeks annual leave and bank holidays off.

I like Hecates comments - yes, let him do a nights turn at the weekend, and also let you lie-in the next day. Broken nights and relentless days can drive you to the brink.

One of my dds had reflux and needed Gaviscon in her feeds - was fine once she'd started on that. Is your dc taking anything to help?

If he expects you to work all day cleaning up, looking after the children, doing the laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. how is this different from him being busy all day.

You both work full time. Share the night feeds and take it in turns to get a full nights sleep.

If he can't function whilst sleep-deprived there is no reason why he should expect you to.

Ban 'sarky' comments. When he makes a comment ask him to tell you exactly what he means. This is your opportunity to start the new regime of sharing the load when he is home. And that includes nights.

Boy, if he was my DH he would wish he'd never said a thing .

When I was on mat leave (and before the DCs started sleeping through the night) our agreement was that at the weekend I would get one full night off duty. I used to go and sleep in the spare room with the fan running to block out noise and sleep for about 10 undisturbed hours. I found it made such a difference. Would he consider that?