What kind of friend does this make me? (long, sorry)

[emkana]

I have a friend whom I have known for a very long time, when we were teenagers we were "best friends" for years and very very close, when we went off to uni things changed a bit but we still got on well and saw each other regularly. She is godmother to my dd2.

This friend was in a relationship with a man for over 12 years, after 10 years together they got married, soon after they bought a house together. A few months after moving into the house my friend started an affair with a work colleague. First she kept it secret from her dh, after a few months she moved out and eventually confessed. Now she is living with her new partner.

When she was with her dh she never gave any indication that anything was not right in her relationship, and even now she hasn't really got a bad word to say about him, just that she was bored with things really and didn't want the "house plus two kids" ordinary lifestyle. (They didn't have children, but were ttc for a while unsuccessfully before she started the affair.)

Since this has happened I feel that things have changed for me - I have no better way of putting it than to say "my feelings for her have cooled". I really liked and like her dh, I feel immensely sorry for him because his life as he wanted to live it was destroyed through no fault of his own, I can't understand how you can go into the commitment of marriage and then throw it away a year and a bit later without trying harder to salvage the relationship.

On the other hand I tell myself that I should be loyal to my friend, that it's not her fault she fell in love with somebody else...

but emotionally, I condemn what she has done in a way.
What kind of friend does that make me?

The thing is that the friends that were more "his" than "hers" IYSWIM and even parts of his family seem to hold no grudge whatsoever against my friend, in fact they still socialize with her regularly, so I'm thinking if they can forgive her why can't I?

I agree - realistic

But yes, you should be loyal to your friend, but that is not to say you should condone what she has done. And TBH, her change in circumstance impacts on your life too, and none of us like that

But you don't know what went on inside their relationship emkana, or how hard she tried to salvage it. Sometimes people live together a long time and get married because the relationship is cracking

Sit tight, see how you feel in a few months, but don't sever contact with her or do anything irreversible - though you may eventually have to accept that some friendships aren't for life and they do run their course

They're probably relieved that she got bored and left before any children were involved.

Doesn't make it any easier for him, though. Let's hope he meets someone who wants to be with him soon.

What do you have to forgive her for? She didn't betray your relationship....
Put yourself on the other side of the fence, you want to leave your partner, or God forbid, he cheats on you - and she holds you in some way responsible? How would you feel?

I think its natural to be upset at the end of her marriage but I think you have something else going on in your mind about her, too

We were in a similar situation. It was a friend of dh's originally, but we all got on well and I really liked who he married. Then he had an affair. This was when they'd just had their first child together.

We cooled our friendship with him while remaining very loyal to the wife.

After some time, a year or 2 I think, she met another chap and they have since married and had children. Only then did dh feel he could be friends with his mate again, but it has changed. They were very close, but can never be like that again. Dh really dislikes affairs, for whatever reason there is no excuse IHO so he couldn't condone his friends actions. They just have the occasional drink.

Its a tough one but hope that helps a bit.

You're right, I don't have to forgive her, but it has changed my opinion/view of her that she is capable of acting this way, the deceit and the betrayal, I would have sworn before that she would never do a thing like that, and that's what I find hard to get over.

Just one who has her own feelings and values and is having difficulty accepting what her friend has done.

I have no idea how I'd feel in that situation, but I suppose all I can say is that you never really know why someone throws it all away like that.

I know someone who has 2 lovely dd's and was happily married for about 9 years to a man who adored her. She walked out on him about 2 years ago, to cries of amazement and condemnation from all sides.

What most people didn't know, is that before they were married, she'd got pregnant (with his child) and he'd made it clear it was the wrong time, he loved her but wasn't ready, it had to be her decision, blah di blah. She took the hint and had an abortion, but felt that she'd been coerced into it - he'd made it clear that having their child might have resulted in the end of their relationship and would have left her as a single mother. It was a mistake. A mistake that he got over, but she never did. And as their children grew up, she felt more and more angry and sad about the loss of the first one, and eventually it poisoned her feelings for him.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you never really know what goes on in someone else's relationship and never really know why someone splits up.

We all have different parts to our personalities - I don't think I am capable of having an affair and I don't suppose you think you are either
But how do you know?

She's your friend emkana. Better or worse - you don't have to condone what she has done to be her friend and give her your support and your friendship. Have you never done anything wrong?

I am not meaning to be harsh or snotty - just trying to think of it from another point of view

I'm sure she didn't mean to let you down or even mean the deceit and dishonesty. She just fell in love with someone else

And if it were me, I would expect the support of my friends, especially my oldest friends

The difficulty of being supportive of your friend is when you like the husband so much as well. It made us feel really two faced by trying to support the wife yet still seeing the husband.

The difficulty of being supportive of your friend is when you like the husband so much as well. It made us feel really two faced by trying to support the wife yet still seeing the husband.

When I asked her to be godmother I sort of saw her and her dh as a package, they made such a lovely couple (seemingly) and I thought they would have children of their own soon...

her current partner is just sooooooooooooo boring which doesn't help.

maybe you will get on better with him when you know him a bit better?
He's probably really nervous around you too

I am lucky. I have been madly in love with my DH for ever. I don't think it is right that you should spend the rest of your life with someone you truly do not love. It is not fair to waste their life or yours.

Life is jus too short. Forgive her and introduce her ex to some VERY pretty ladeeez

Also, you have no idea how desperate she may have been feeling about ttc. I have a friend who couldn't get pregnant with her DH and I know she had several dark nights of the soul about whether she should stay with him or not. She's now forty and is probably never going to be a mother, which was the one and only thing she ever wanted to be. She made that decision because she loved and valued her DH so highly that she was willing to eschew motherhood, but tbh it was a bloody hard decision and I wouldn't have been surprised if it had gone the other way. If some women find that they're not prepared to make it, I can't really blame them.

Thank you for all your answers, you've certainly given me food for thought. I've never shown her any disapproval for what she's done and have been very supportive since the break-up, but in a way I have felt false doing that because I sometimes just wanted to shout "How can you do this to him?"