WWYD?

[WineAndPizza]

I have a very good friend (A) from university. I found out last night from another friend (F) (who knows us both but is close to me) that she has heard that A's DP has been cheating on her. Her DP is very good friends with my DP.

They have been together for years and he has cheated and been forgiven more than once before (although the last time that she knows of was over 5 years ago). Because of the chain of people involved it would have massive repercussions if I told her, and I think at the end of it all, she would take him back again.

However I feel awful knowing this and not telling her, and I don't know how I can be around him again knowing what I do.

WWYD? I am totally stuck.

First, let's deal with F. Is F reliable? Is this just malicious gossip? What is F going to do with her knowledge other than spread it amongst her friends - anything constructive?

If F is washing her hands of the situation, but you feel her information is rock solid, then I would approach him first of all and discuss these rumours/facts. If it's true, give him the chance to approach A first.

If he won't, then you have a dilemma. You might lose your friend over your honesty. What are you willing to do, and what do you feel is the morally right thing to do?

Tell F to tell her

I would do nothing. You say F has passed on some thing she's heard. You really have no idea how reliable this information is. So you don't really know.

Passing on hearsay, especially when you know there would be massive repercussions, doesn't sound like a good thing to do.

F is reliable, she wouldn't do this to be malicious - she is not very close to A and I think by telling me she feels at least I know about it - but she swore me to secrecy so I don't know what I am supposed to do. F wouldn't tell A, they are not close enough and she would feel it's not her place.

I do think the information is reliable. I asked my DP a few questions about the night in question and he was pretty shifty and said he didn't know anything but had his suspicions.

Say nothing especially as you know she'll take him back. No point and you may end up being the shot messenger?

Sorry Jean I didn't answer the last bit of your post.

I would feel very awkward about approaching him directly as he is very close to my DP and this could cause problems. He would deny everything anyway and it would give him a chance to get his word in first with A.

I think I would lose my friend or at least it would cause a rift between us. And a few other friendships could be ruined too, but if it this was me, I'd want to know.

But then I'd deal with the information differently I think.

Curious that's kind of how I'm feeling but I don't know if that's just being really cowardly.

What EdithWeston said.

You have no information other than from F, so why is this a problem / decision for you? If F has suspicions, and they are reliably based, let her raise them with A herself.

Did you tell F that you would keep the information confidential? If so, you break the confidence at your peril.

But if your DP has separate suspicions, then perhaps the way ahead is to urge him to act on them.

But doing nothing does remain a valid option - what you've heard is second-hand (from F) or suspicion/rumour from DH. Neither is a secure foundation from which to launch actions that you think would have major repercussions.

She will find out herself and he will get caught out at some point. It will be your time to be a good friend then. Sometimes it is better to say nothing because ultimately all this information is likely to do is hurt your friend. If he has done it before it is likely she is keeping tabs on him anyway and it is only a matter of time before she uncovers his dishonesty. She may even be aware of it but not willing to discuss it.

Well she was suspicious about a message she saw on his phone a few weeks ago and spoke to me about it. I had no idea of F's revelations at this time. I reassured her all was probably fine. I wish I could go back and re-do that conversation now obviously, but now he's been nearly caught out again I'm sure he'll be much more careful for a while and she may not uncover anything else.

Thanks for all your replies so far, LadyFrances I think you may be right.

This is horrible for A, isn't it? Everyone seems to have persuaded her that she's paranoid and has nothing to worry about, friends are talking about it and she's being made a fool of.

I'm puzzled why your partner was shifty with you and why if you spoke up for your friend with her partner, it would cause problems in your own relationship? Your own partner isn't exactly covered in glory here, is he?

I think I'd be inclined to revisit that conversation and ask her if she's had any other suspicions and how she's been coping with the doubts she's been having. Tell her you've been thinking about it and you can understand why she felt that way, given their history. Perhaps say sorry if you in any way invalidated her feelings earlier, because she might have felt put off coming to you again.

Yes it is. That's exactly how I feel - when I was cheated on before one of the worst things was knowing everyone else knew and hadn't said anything.

My DP is very close with this guy, they have known each other for years. Basically he said that because A's DP knows how close me and A are, he wouldn't do anything in front of DP, but DP had his suspicions. The shiftiness came in when he mentioned a specific girl (not someone we know) thinking I had been told specifics, and when it was clear I didn't know that he kind of backtracked and said she'd been flirty with A's DP but he didn't know anything. DP is lovely but I think he doesn't want to incriminate his friend or involve himself.

It wouldn't cause problems in our relationship, I meant with DP and A's DP's relationship.

Yes maybe it's a good idea to revisit that conversation. She emailed me only two days ago to say all was fine between them and back on track

why don't you start asking your friend why she would sell her self cheaply and stay with a cheating arse like him?

SirSugar personally he'd have been out the door the first time if it were me. She has made excuses for him and he has talked his way out of it. I do think she genuinely thinks he's stopped and it was a couple of mistakes early in their relationship.

I have asked her before what she'd do if she found he'd done it again and she was pretty non-committal and I'm sure she'd take him back. She is besotted with him. He is a nice enough guy in general but a shitty DP.

This will go on forever with her finding out occasionally and forgiving it.