My issue is a bit of a mix between a relationship problem and some parenting issues. But I though all those lovely ladies from MN could help me getting a better picture and reassure me I am not making things up.
We have a big problem with ds with low self-esteem and a possible self-harming.
A few days ago, ds just 'lost' it for a better word. Screaming, crying, kicking furniture, pulling his (very liked) soft toys into bits and shouting 'I am stupid, I am the most stupid person in the world'.
He was also bitting his hand and knee, enough to have some strong teeth marks but not enough to draw blood iyswim.
In my eyes, ds looked full of anger, anger against himself because he had been sent to his room for repeately misbehaving at the table. Also full of anxiety and unable to see that making one mistake doesn't amke a 'bad person' or a 'stupid person'.
ds is just 8yo.
On the other side, there is H who seems unable to deal with the dcs wo putting them down, especially ds.
We are were at breaking point a few months ago and I told him that putting the dcs down is a deal braker for me and that, if things didn't improve, we would get divorced.
To be fair, H is trying or I think he is.
BUT, when we talked about ds and what we could do I had the same old answers 'I didn't think it was such an issue' & 'I don't know what we can do about it'. Actually he couldn't even tell me what he would propose to do to start finding solutions and help. I would have though googling and finding a few books about it was a straight forward answer.
I felt I was going back a few years ago when I ended up dealing wih the dc's problems on my own and quite often swimming against the tide or rather against him.
He did realize it meant that our parenting wasn't OK, which he interpreted as 'I am a crap parent' (Well tbh, yes he has been but I probaky have been too, not the least because of all the stress I was/am under).
I also said that the way our relationship has been had a profound impact on the dcs and that we needed to think about it carefully. Again no answer on that front.
A few issues here for me:
1- I do believe that ds reactions were completely over the top and that the bitting is very close (or should be treated?) as self-harming. I am very concerned that if he acts like this now at 8yo, this will transform itself in full self-harm behaviour as a teenager. So for me, this is ds mental health that is at stake.
2- I am totally unconvinced by H reaction. It made me feel like he knows there are some big issues but would much prefer avoiding tackling them because this is a very unconfortable place to be in. Think about the ostrich putting their head in the sand. Also I would have though that as a caring parent, he would have wanted to jump & do something etc.. but looked very passive to me.
So could you tell me, am I over reacting when I am talking about self-harm and ds mental health?
Am I wrong to thinking that H isn't right now in a place where he can make the changes he has to make?