So lonely

[PenelopePits]

Hello

I need to know if I should be seeking some help with this.

Am feeling so lonely at the moment, in fact I have been for years really. I suffer from very low self esteem which doesn't help but I just seem to be constantly rejected in life and I am feeling really unhappy and so sad for my kids (who are 2 and 4 now).

I joined NCT, have done playgroups, pre-school classes, nightclasses (for me), the gym etc and yet I still can't seem to make 'proper friends'. The friends I did have seem to be slowly but surely dropping me - not responding to texts or making excuses not to meet up etc. There's only so many times I will try and instigate meeting up before I give up and I'm close to giving up on pretty much every friend I have! They all seem to have their own groups of friends so I really think it is 'me' that's the problem.

I am off to soft play with the kids tomorrow (on my own) and seem to be doing that a lot lately as I don't get offers from any friends to meet up and to be honest the whole rejection thing is becoming so difficult I don't even want to ask them anymore as they'll probably say they can't make it.

I've really tried to make friends and am conscious of looking like I'm trying too hard. I don't know what else to do.

Someone who I considered a friend is blatantly trying to run off and ignoring me every time I walk up to the school gate (pre-school). I definitely haven't done anything to offend her so it must just be that she doesn't like me :-(

My kids are lovely and have lots of friends thankfully so it's nothing to do with their behaviour or anything, it's definitely me. I feel like such a loser and am spending most evenings in tears. I'm in my late thirties FGS.

I don't work as 2 lots of childcare means it's not worth it for me so going back to work at the moment isn't an option.

I'm not the most outgoing of people but I do try and chat to people and would hope that I don't come across as too aloof or anything. I just don't know what to do to make friends when everything has failed so far....

So sad :-(

Penelope sorry to hear your feeling so sad. I was feelin mucht the same today. So i know how awful it can feel not to have a propper group of friends. I'm sure its not you, maybe its your self esteem issues making you project that onto the situation. I think people have their routines, friends etc and get stuck in it and almost dont have time to branch .out and make the effort to maintain new friendships, which at the beinning need quite a bit of input. So maybe its just that, people are just too wrapped up in their own lives. I would keep doing what youve been doing, putting yourself out there, do you have any hobbies? I got a dog and have met lots of people through just walking her every day, people who i wouldnt have come into.contact with via school etc. Gotta sleep now but will cgeck in on you tomorrow . Night

I don't have loads of advice but I just wanted to give you a really (unmumsnetty) hug.

Sometimes, when we want something so much we can give off 'desperate' vibes which other people seem to pick up on, making them avoid us. I think people are frightened of too much intensity. In fact, it is a cliche that many people find their husband/partner when they weren't expecting it, but when they were actually looking for someone they couldn't pick up a cold! I would imagine it works the same for friendships.

My advice is to work really hard on your self-esteem, if you feel better about yourself and feel that you are an interesting person worthy of friendship I think you will do better friendship-wise. Work on yourself for now and, hopefully, real friendships will follow. In the meantime, be friendly but casual with your current 'friends'. Don't chase them but be upbeat and warm when you talk to them.

For what it's worth, you sound really nice (and a lovely Mum) and I will keep an eye out for you on here - I'm not on all the time though and it tends to be later at night. Keep posting, use this thread as a sort of diary and you will be amazed how things can improve if you work on yourself.

Just wanted to add to what mebythesea said about a pet. There is something truly comforting about the unconditional love a pet gives you.

Making friends through you kids is the best way. At my first NCT I was lucky because one woman phoned me up the next day and said outright 'you seem like the kind of person I'm going to get on with' and that boosted me so much that it went on from there. I drifted between various friend groups, but I did have to make clear arrangements. Get those playdates in, make sure the parents are similar to you to a certain extent and just relax.

The playground can be a scary place, but there are lots of people in it feeling just like you. Find one person each day and just talk about the weather or anything. Sometimes just that is enough to keep you going.

Hi. I am billy no mates too. Late 30ies with two dcs (2 and 4 months).

Had nothing in common with the nct lot first time around and didn't bother second time.

Recently moved house so old friend are now far away ( the very few I had).

Thing is that i am not actually bothered other than my oldest needs to have some play friends which means I need to go to the hideous toddler groups and feel like an outcast whilst trying to make small talk. Ugh.

Dh is keen for me to make some friends but the thing is that I'd actually rather just spend time with the dcs . I think he is worried that I don't have any.

I used to go out and see friends but since giving up work and having first dc, all socialising has ended. My last night out was in february 2009.

I am at the point where I would prefer to just be by myself or with dh and dcs but feel under pressure to attend awful toddler baby stuff and talk to people so my dcs don't grow up not socialising.

Sorry!!! That was absolutely no help at all!! You have my sympathy and I feel for you. I am stuck in this billy no mates hole too.

Perhaps we should be friends and problem would be solved.

And I don't think it's you! I think this whole having mummy friends thing is over rated. You are forced to try and seek new friends because you had children and it's hard to find people you have something in common with.

Someone far more useful will be along shortly.

i can totally relate to what you saying.that thread couldve bin started by me it thgat similar to my life.playgrounds arent great places to much bitching and backstabbing.i have aquaintances at local kids centre but nothing more than that.figured it was just me.kinda comforting[though not helpful] to know you arent alone with this one.x

I'm lucky I have a group of friends who live in my town - I moved here 6 yrs ago and have to say it is hard work! Everyone had grown up in the town and been to school together. I felt like a complete spare part and even just turned up to places I thought people I liked would be which in hindsight sounds a little stalkerish! It has paid off though and even though sometimes I still feel a bit of an outsider, perserverence has shown them that I really appreciate their company and they have accepted a "new" person to the group, which makes it easier for them to bitch about each other gives a fresh perspective on people and situations.

I'd maybe organise something at yours where the kids can get together and grown ups can have a glass of something and chat. At least then you have seen people recently enough to give them a text to see if they are free in the week. Don't be offended if they can't make something, sometimes people are just very busy and it may be you need to suggest a date a couple of weeks away instead.

If you live in E.Kent I'd happily go for coffee and cake

penelope....I too could of written this thread. I am a chatty person & loyal friend... but the thought of meeting new friends fills me with excitement & panic. Mine too is low self-esteem issues.
You sound like you are doing a great job at getting out & about & mingling...I agree with the post that said about people having their set routines..friend circle etc.
I'm guilty of that but wish I was more like you...
I'm in the Somerset area & would meet you for coffee!

I forgot to say...CBT is good for building self-esteem. I am looking in to doing CBT soon.

PenelopePits - feel I need to post, I feel the same, the only friends that I see on any sort of regular basis are people I work with. I never managed to make any 'mummy' friends because I always worked, so never had time to linger in the playground and I got the impression that the other mums didn't really approve of the fact that I worked :(
I don't really have any other useful advice, but I think the idea of inviting dc's friends AND parents round is a really good one.
Hope you feel better today.
Have to dash to work now !

Thank you to all the lovely people who replied and made lots of valid comments.

I definitely need to work on my self esteem that's for sure. I do have long standing friends (a few of those!) but they live at the other end of the country (boo!) so I guess I can't be that bad. However, I do definitely get the impression that people here aren't interested in friendship with me (I'm not from here originally).

I suppose I will just have to crack on and smile and pretend I'm ok and then hopefully one day someone might decide they want to become friends. God it all sounds ridiculous - I'm not 12 anymore!! At least my kids will talk to me even if nobody else will!

Thanks again, will see how it goes and try to stop consoling myself with wine which probably isn't helping.

Oh and to those who offered to meet up for coffee etc, that is so sweet of you but I'm up North unfortunately.. :-( x

Sorry to hear that Penelope
If its any consolation i feel like that too and i'm an outgoing person.

Defintely think its nothing to do with you, People are too wrapped up in their own world. Just keep inviting people to coffee etc. It doesn't matter who initiates it the end result will be the same, you get an outing. I've done the NCT, toddler groups and find people form their own little cirles and then forget everyone else. I'm in north west and would meet you for a cuppa.

ime it's the crap thinking that does the most damage. The "I'm so crap, I ca't make friends, people don't like me, there must be something wrong with me; I'm too blah blah, I'm not enough of blah blah. I'm no good at this. Everybody else is good at this, what's wrong with me. I'm like a kid but I'm a grown-up and I shoudl be over this childish stuff. I should've got this sorted by now! All my relationships have been crap, I've always got it wrong. Anyway, I'm desperate and who wants somebody desperate around? I@m not surprised they run away and avoid me when I've got desperation hanging over me. God, how embarrassing and disgusting to be desperate! Do people know? Is that why people are avoiding me?"

Etc! Recognise it? That's what does the most damage, not the loneliness imo. I have suffered from terrible loneliness and it just so hurts. I try to stop the crap thinking, to be aware of when I'm doing it. A lot of the time you don't even know you're doing it.

Could your schedule fit in some voluntary work somewhere? It does you the world of good and gets you talking to people in the course of the work. Being at home is not great, particularly if you already have self-esteem issues. Could you volunteer at the pre-school? It puts you on the map big time, gives you a role. Could you get involved in the local church?

HOpe something gets sorted soon OP. Sorry about the lecture - hope it's not patronising. There should be loneliness clubs - but everybody would be too ashamed to go to them!! xxx

Thanks Themutant that's kind, but I'm NE and Springy you are so right, my thoughts are EXACTLY like that! I wonder if CBT might be helpful? My thoughts have been very very negative for an awfully long time :-(

aww no wonder your self-esteem is low if that's how you talk to yourself Penelope. I'm not being patronising (see, used that word again) just know about those thoughts and how damaging they are. Maybe CBT would be a good idea? (for us both!) If you played those thoughts to the most confident person they'd end up a mess. Particularly if they're played over and over...

I've got a lovely friend nr Alnwick (is that how you spell it?). Let me know if you're near there and I could put you in touch? xxx

Haven't read it all,

BUT YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!!!

How was your upbringing?

(Sorry to run, it's 2 AM here, and have a busy day tomorrow...)

Hello, I've found it tricky to makes friends through the children too - there are people i would call friends inasmuch as we chat in the playground and meet up occassionally so the children can play together, but i don't see them apart from that. Everyone seems very busy with their families/work etc. If you're at home during the day it can seem quite isolating.

OP what do you do for you? I've made some good friends through going to college part time - ould something like that be an option for you? Or yoga/swimming etc?

how's it going PP? I know online isn't the same as rl but wanted to say hello.

suburbophobe - come back! want to hear what you'e got to say!