Why do I feel like this and how can I change?

[Beaverfeaver]

I am in a loving long term relationshop with DP. Due to get married soon.
Everything has pretty much been great for quite a while which is good as in the early days things were quite rocky.

We are due to go on holiday for the first time this year just the two of us, and was looking forward to it.

But...

A work colleague who I saw as a friend and only as a friend (+colleague) recently told me how he feels about me.
I felt flattered when he told me, as I don't see myself as an attractive person, and could do with losing about a stone.
I have never thought of him in the same way.

So why do I feel weird when I come home to my DP?
Why am I no longer looking forward to my holiday with DP?
Why do I feel that I can't have sex with him now?

It's almost as if as soon as colleague told me how he feels, something was switched off between me and DP. And i don't want it to be. I want it back the way it was.
I can't undo what colleague said.

Why does it all feel so wrong?

I just want to go on holiday, have a lovely time with DP, just the two of us, and not think about colleague at all, but worried that it won't happen now.

What should I do?!

You should accept this for what it is- an ego boost as a man at work has got a crush on you.

Look at it this way- if you get married and are together for 50 years or more, the odds are that men will make passes at you.

Are you going to feel all funny each time this happens? is it going to make you feel that you aren't as certain about your feelings for your DH as you thought?

There are 2 questions here- what has this colleague said? Has he been waiting in the wings too shy to talk to you- and now he feels it's his last chance before you wed? Is he a genuine guy or is he looking for a flirtation and maybe a bit on the side?

if your head is turned so easily then you ought to re-assess how you feel about your DP.

On the other hand if men never or rarely make overtures to you, and you have a poor self-image, and have never had many dates, then you may simply be flattered and a bit bowled over by it all- and in a week's time you will feel perfectly normal again.

I think that you should not get married though until you have sorted out this in your head- not so much over this man, but whetehr your relationship is a habit, has gone off the boil and you are drifting into marriage when it's not really going to work.

p.s- how long term is long term with your current P? if you have never had a holiday alone together how much time do you spend together? Or are there other factors like kids etc which mean you are not able to holiday alone?

Thanks AG.
I do wonder if he is genuine or not. My guesses are that he is not.
He has also got a long term partner who he lives with, and although he told me he had been feeling this way for a long time and was very sweet in what he has said, I dont think that he actually means it, and that he has just got into a rut and wants some fun on the side and thinks it can be with me.

I dont know if I should tell DP what has happened, or keep it held in.

I dont want to not marry DP if its just a silly thing that has skewed my view temporarily.

DP has been acting like a silly child the past week or two, so that might have assisted in the change in feelings...

AG - in response to your last message, we have been together about 11 years, and lived together for 6.
We have holidays alone together multiple times a year normally.
We are mid 20's and have no kids.
We are each other's 1st relationships. (Which is a big concern of me marrying him, as I assume that he will go off me in 5/10/15 years or whenever, and need to find something else as he didn't have 'fun' when he was young and everyone else was doing it, even though I trust him 100% right now, and know he would never do anything to hurt me in the current place that we are right now)

What has this man said?

You are right to be cautious. I wonder if you responded if he would run for the hills? Inviting you to have an affair- which is what it sounds like- shows he is not a nice man. Or is he going toleave his partner?

However, leaving him out of the picture, if you are feeling a bit negative over DP then maybe you need to re-assess this a little.

Colleague told me that he has been having feelings for me for the last 6 months. He seems to think I am nice and thinks I am sexy.

Nothing was mentioned about him leaving his partner.

I am feeling slightly negative about my DP, but... its only been very recently, and most of the time things are great.
We generally have a good relationship as we like the same things, and have a lot of fun together with friends and alone.

I think I would be silly to re-asses marrying my partner of 10+ years just for a few weeks of him getting on my nerves a bit.

This is ringing all kinds of horrible bells, I am afraid.

if you have been with this man since you were 14 or 15, then you will both have changed hugely.

I know this is a horrible generalisation and zillions of MNs will come along saying they married their one and only 1st love who they met aged 11,- and are blissfully happy, BUT such young "couplings" generally, rarely have happy endings- for the reasons you are finding.

Both of you may well always be thinking of greener grass simply because you have know nothing else.

I just think that in most cases it is a huge mistake to marry your one and only real boyfriend as you have nothing to compare him with. You cannot possibly know what youwould feel for anyone else. I also ( shoot me now) think that mid 20s is pretty young- too young- to get married especially for a man. The average age now is something like 29-30.

You are potentially going into this marriage with low self worth, feeling insecure and thinking you will be left- all of which is likely to be a sefl-fulfilling prophecy.

Sorry that I sound like your mum- my DCS are your age - but I'd say you both need to live a bit befroe you settle down.

look on this man as a warning. And maybe postpone your wedding.

The man just wants a shag. Ignore him- but look on the experience as something that is teaching you something- that you have ages before commiting to someone- you are 25! a mere child in relationship terms.

it's made you feel unsettled, you now realise that there are men in the universe who like you- not just your DP- so you really ought to ask yourself why you are sleep walking into a marriage. I don't want to sound cruel but you were both children when you met. Maybe this is a wake up call and you both need a break from each other for a bit.

We have had a mortgage and a cat for the last 6 years. I don't think it would be as easy as just splitting up.

I do worry that we might change in the future.

So far the way we have grown up has worked well for us both as we have grown together and the changes have been for the better, but I know it might not always be as good as this.

I am a realist and never beleive in 'the grass is greener', but how do I know for sure that DP won't think that the grass might be greener in a time to come?

When I have thought (breifly) about us being seperated, I also get upset about losing all his family, and I know my family would be upset too. We are so linked into eachothers lives.

I am really worried now. I have never doubted getting married to him, but now I am just confused!

I don't fancy this man, and wouldn't do anything with him that would break up mine and DP's relationship.
I am just really wondering why him telling me he had feelings for me, has made me take a step back from DP.

A little exercise for you- if your best friend was telling you this story, what would you tell her or ask her to consider?

There is no guarantee in any relationship- marriage does not come with a ball and chain. People meet other people every day of their lives, and either they make the choice to stay with the person they love- or they don't. You cannot control that.

You are bound to feel upset at the notion of not being with this man, your DP, as you have grown up almost like brother and sister.

But attachment, security and habit are not good enough a reason for promising to spend your next 60 years together- you have to really love the person- warts and all.

it doesn't surprise me at all that this OM has made you come over all funny- because you have missed out on the dating, flirting and broken hearts that are typical of the teenage years and early 20s for almost everyone.

it would be a huge wrench to get out of your relationship, yes, but not as big as if you marry and have kids a few years down the line.

Personally, I'd just sit tight and see how you feel in a couple of weeks when the shock of being fancied by someone has passed- cos that's what it is!

It's a bit sad really as you sound lovely but with low self worth simply because you have been "trapped" with one boy/man since you were about 14.

Thanks AG. Maybe this holiday will help clear my thoughts.

You are right about missing out on all the dating etc... and I do think I missed out.

I really hope I am making the right decision. I keep reassuring myself as have a few people I know who have been together since very young and are still very much in love, but that doesn't mean it will be the same for us.

When we were 16/17 his mother did express her concern over us being in a long term relationship, and other people have also mentioned it to us in the past.
(No one dares now we are getting married though lol!) So it is good to hear it from another persons perspective.

I can only add that all the couples I know who met at school and married after uni etc aged 21-22 are divorced.
I met my DH at 26 after loads of relationships including a broken engagement, and 2 other long term relationships. I got married going on 30.

I am not saying what I did was right- I almost married at 21 and 24, but I know that I have changed over the years and looking back, it is unlikely those relationships would have lasted.

Good luck and enjoy your hols.

bloody hell, that is seriously good advice from amelia

will you be my mum, please ?

OP listen to amelia, she speaketh the truth

OMG we are actually ^agreeing* on something.

Do you want tucking up in bed tonight AF with a hottie bottle- or maybe just a hottie

do we usually disagree then ?

I have my hottie thanks, but I did roadtest quite a few others before settling for this one

which I will be advising my own dd to do (safely of course) before she decides to settle down (if she ever does...)