Future MIL issues

[smallgirlbigcity]

Quick background
Me - 23, just graduated, desperately trying to find a job
DP - 30, steady job, only child, didn't leave home till 28

We've just moved from one big city to another after I finished my degree. Been together 2yrs 2months, been living together in rented accommodation for 2 years. DP used to a higher standard than me (example went through private education, much bigger house than where I grew up) and wants to buy a house for us ASAP.

We cannot do this on our own, even if I finally find employment before Xmas, estimate it would take us 2-3 years to build up deposit on our own. DP wants to take his parents offer of them providing a deposit. I am very relucant to go through with this for a number of reasons.

1. future FIL goes out of the country a lot (freelance work) and I'm 99% sure future MIL will come stay with us every time
2. future MIL (age 60+) is already pressuring me behind her son's back to start having babies, I feel as though if we take the money I'll be obliged to provide grandchildren
3. I feel because i'm 7 years younger than my partner and currently not contributing finically that I have no say in any of the above
4. I'm pretty certain future MIL still hasn't come to terms with the fact her son has left home

I'm torn. My DP is wonderfully supportive (emotionally and financially whilst I look for a job). We're planning the rest of our lives together, we've talked about getting married and having children (both agree now's not the time to be doing either and we're both happy with that decision). I have a controlling mother of my own, but I did the smart (and difficult) thing of moving out at 18 and redefining our relationship so we're both happy. DP does not stand up to his mother citing her as "fragile", whereas I think she's has world class manipulating skills. I feel like DPs mother is trying to assert control over us through this so called "gift" (in addition to paying the mortgage and all associated bills, they also want us to pay them a certain amount each month till they pass on). They won't commit to a deposit amount or how much they want each month but have arranged for us to see a house on Saturday.

Am I being paranoid or is this a really bad situation for us?

If that's how you feel and you don't want the money don't take it.
Your future MIL sounds like my mum and if she's anything like her you'll always owe her something even if you'll give the money for deposit back. She'll probably never let you to forget their kind gesture...

If I were you, I'd keep looking for a job and once you get one start saving 2-3 years for a deposit isn't such a long time knowing how bad things are at the moment...

I have a co trolling mother who used money to get her own way etc (no longer in touch)

I wouldn't take the money, you need to assert yourselves and make a point that you're an independent couple who will live your lives as you please, not how they please.

No way would I take the money. You would be beholden to them forever and they would probably never let you forget it.

And "fragile" roughly translated means she will either turn into a screaming harpy or collapse into self pitying tears every single time she doesn't get her own way. Or both.

And she will be looking to your children to fill the void in her life.

I've been there, right down to the word "fragile".

If your DP is an only child I take it the money will be his anyway when they pass on. You can look at it both ways, they want to give you money to control you (which I doubt) or they really like you and want to help you. If they didn't like you they would never have offered to help. Speak to them and see what they say. Are you really going to refuse a house? Anyway get it all in writing what the terms of the loan are. As for babies tell her in conversation that babies are not on the agenda yet because you want to start and establish your career first but look forward to having them in the future. And sixty plus is not old, she doesn't need to come and live with you every time he goes away. Are you sure you are not overthinking this. If you dont want to take the money or the house, your DP might, I think he has to make the decision bearing in mind the money will be his at the end of the day. Only my opinion though.

i have been there and done this,its a long story so ill cut it short ,we were offerd a house to buy off someone i no quite well,we didnt have a deposit so we came to an arrangement where he would provide it

it all fell through at the last minute and my ILS offerd to lend us the money so we didnt lose the house,i was pregnant at the time and was really grateful

now in a way i wish we hadnt used the money,my MIL is not my biggest fan for reasons i dont no she was fine with me before i fell pregnant,i feel like my house is not totally mine with owing this money to them

if u think your going to have problems with her if u lend it then say thanks but no thanks we ll save it ourselves

if your OH is set on it then id have a proper agreement wrote up like Natasha said

we are paying them back from January,i cant wait till its paid

Good luck whatever u choose x

Can you take the money as a loan and pay it back? Or make it clear it's an advance on inheritance?

But you may find that even if you don't take the money, MIL still wants to come and stay with you when her DH is oversees....

If he's bringing a child into the relationship, then it's kind of fair enough that your DP (or his family) provide more of the support for housing - presumably a more pressing issue because of the DC?

If it worries you know, imagine how it will feel once you have taken the money. There is nothing in the world like paying your own way. If you take the money, unless it is no strings attached, it will always cast a shadow over you. If it is made clear that it is inheritance, up front so to speak, and that it is for you both to benefit from whilst you build your future then maybe, but if it worries you at this stage, maybe you should trust your gut! What does DP think after all he knows them well. I wonder if they gave it they would want a clause in there somewhere about who gets the money should things go wrong in the future. I know that sounds gloomy but think it all through. If it can?t be discussed at the early stage, you will struggle to discuss it later, especially much later.

now, not know!