some advice please i am leaving my partner

[blackout23]

Hi

I apologise for this being quite a long post and thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.

I am 23 and have a 2 and a half year old DD from a previous relationship (her father was killed in iraq before she was born). When she was 1 i met a guy by chance through mutual friends on facebook. he was great and helped fill the lonely nights and we got on like a house on fire. A few months later he moved in and things were going well until i checked his phone one day. I am not proud of this but something told me to look. He had been meeting up with a couple of other women for sex quite regularly when he had told me he had being playing pool or visiting his sister. I hit the roof and threw him out there and then. I have been cheated on in every relationship and i was determined i was not going to let it happen to me again. a couple of weeks later i decided to forgive him because he seemed genuinely sorry for what he done and promised it was us he wanted to be with etc etc.

Just before xmas last year he left his phone out again and a message came through from one of the woman he had being seeing earlier on in the year. He was still seeing her. I went mental again and threw him out but a week later took him back because i am either a) soft b) an idiot or c) scared of being on my own. Everything was going fine for the next few months he was paying us more attention, we were getting on better, sex life was better etc.

Then 3 months ago his bank statement came through and he asked me to check for something on it. There was 6 transactions to a swinging website that he had been using. £50 a month when he was pleading poverty and too skint to help me out with bills or anything. He was adamant that he had never met anyone and he was just looking at it but I threw him out again for a month this time. I think you have guessed by now that i took him back yet again.

So is it any surprise that he has cheated again? We havent been getting on well at all recently and it has been a nightmare living with him. Friday night he was meant to come home at 6 o clock to babysit so i could go and meet a couple of friends in town for a meal. I had heard nothing from him until 9 o clock that night when i decided to phone him to see where he was. He sounded a bit flustered when he answered the phone and was stuttering when i asked him where he was. he said he had not long finished work and that he was at his friends house playing the playstation (he is 35) and having a couple of drinks. He was going to get the next bus back to mine. I said that was fine and never thought any more of it until i read a facebook post that his friend (the one he was supposedly with) had posted on that friday night saying he was away up north for the weekend and having a good time with his dad. I started to wonder where he really had been. He left his facebook logged on. His friends fiance had posted up a post saying that her man (his friend) was away for the weekend and that she was bored and wondering what to do. He then sent her a private message saying 'where is he do you want some fun'

Thats all the message said. There was no replies or anything there at all.

I have put two and two together and i am now certain that he was at his friends house but not playing the playstation - he was with his friends fiance.

I feel sick. I got an hour and a halfs sleep last night i couldnt sleep everything just going round and round in my head wondering what to do.

I have no idea how to confront him with this. I might be putting two and two together and coming up with 5 but at the end of the day he lied about who he was with.

He will know i have been snooping and this will be the end of our relationship.

He has just taken a lease out on a bigger house for us to move into and its something i havent been sure about for a few months. I don't want to move 30 miles away from my friends and family (i don't drive) with him when i know he is just going to continue cheating on me and make me feel like crap all the time.

On the other hand i don't think i am strong enough to go through the hurt of another break up and losing someone i love. It was hard when my DD dad died but time is a great healer and i know this is just going to send me back to square one. I know when i ask him where he was he is just going to lie and completely deny he was with this woman when it is pretty obvious that he was with her.

the final question is - do i tell his friend what has been going on?

My head is in a mess.

You poor old thing. You must have been through hell and back losing your DD's daughter, and now this.

Deep down, I think that you must already know that with this record of cheating from your new partner, if you stay with him it is inevitable you'll have to face more hurt at some stage, and it will probably get harder. He may have seemed 'genuinely sorry' the first time you caught him cheating, but he clearly wasn't sorry enough was he? and there is nothing to indicate he won't keep on cheating on you.

However much you can't face splitting up, you had the reserves of strength to get through your last loss, and you will get through this if you leave. Frankly, you deserve better. You talk about your friends and family, and I think you should lean on them now for support and advice, and possibly see a counsellor. You need to look after yourself and your daughter.

I wouldn't make your OH's friend your problem personally. Concentrate on yourself.

Please bin him. He is never, ever going to be faithful. Learn to drive and get some independence. Don't move further away with him or anyone. Spend some time on your own and learn never to give someone another chance if they've been unfaithful twice. You don't actually know he was with his friend's fiancee. You only know that he was trying to be. That's enough to end your relationship of course, but it's possible she blew him off and he got lucky elsewhere.

sternface you are right i haven't got a lot of proof but enough to make me sick and keep me up all night upset so that alone is why i am finishing this. I know my friends and family will be there for me and i just want to spend some time on my own. I don't want to be with anyone just now i need to sort myself out first. I am going to have a talk with him when (if) he comes home tonight and just finish things. I deserve so much better even if im not the prettiest woman on earth i am a nice person and i would never hurt someone intentionally like he has done. I think he thought i would never find out.

Thank you for your advice

You've got loads of proof over the years and that's what you need to keep at the forefront of your mind. You are simply too good for him. Good luck and don't relent!

The only way this chap would be faithful is if you castrated him. Would you want his friend to tell you if he found out about it? If so, tell his friend; if not keep it quiet but chuck him out. Be brave and stick to your guns - you are doing the right thing and deserve so much more

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Stick to your guns and get him out of your life. You will never meet someone who will treat you well whilst you have this one around. He's had so many chances and you know he just can't keep it in his pants.

I deserve so much better even if i'm not the prettiest woman on earth i am a nice person and i would never hurt someone intentionally like he has done. I think he thought i would never find out. I think he thought you would find out but that he could do it anyway. And I bet you look as good or better than the slags women he's knocking around with

Do this for you. Not for his friend. i wouldn't be drawn into his world if I were you by telling. Move on and find yourself with friends, family and people who really love you!

Good luck

You are 23, even with a kids that makes you a great catch. He is 35 with a history of philandering, possibly cheating with the partners of friends and joining swinging websites; does that sound like a catch?
He is not someone you want as a role model for your DD.
Get rid of him.
Then get yourself some counselling. You do not need a man. You can and are doing a great job of looking after your DD on your own. Enjoy yourself, and do your best for her.
In future before bringing a man into contact with her, get to know him well and then think very critically whether or not he is someone you want as a role model for her.
BTW this is nothing to do with looks, you could be the most stunning woman on earth and he would still cheat on you (probably with someone leagues beneath you on all scales), just look at Wayne Rooney (and I know lots of other examples).