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Original poster

Can a parent prevent their children from meeting the OW/OM?

27 replies

Hippee · 16/11/2011 11:27

Have a friend who doesn't want her XH to introduce the children to the OW. Can this be done through the courts? I can't see that it would be, and I hate to think of her wasting money on lawyers if it isn't actually enforceable.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 11:27

Er, no, it can't be prevented

cheeptrick · 16/11/2011 11:29

No as the OW could/will become her childrens stepmum/stepdad and the mother or father of their half brother or sisters.

lemonstartree · 16/11/2011 11:31

no. unless she can prove that the OW is a danger to the children - eg paedophile/drug addict who leaves needles around.

Original poster
Hippee · 16/11/2011 11:35

Hmm - that's what I thought, but she keeps talking about having a great lawyer who has done lots of family law. Don't know how to talk to her about this though, because she's so (understandably) livid with her exH and OW.

OP posts:
ImJustABloke · 16/11/2011 11:43

ImJustABloke but ... sounds like she needs counselling to get over the hurt of the broken relationship rather than a lawyer to try to achieve the impossible.

Best of luck to her.

marriednotdead · 16/11/2011 11:47

She will be wasting her time. No matter how upset she feels, her ex has the right to move on and his DCs are part of 'his package' IYSWIM.

Many moons ago my ex tried to stop a bf of mine from babysitting DD (on the basis that all men apart from him must be paedophilesHmm)- the judge in our PR case told him to butt out of my day to day life, he only had the right to a say in major stuff like religion, choice of high schools etc.

Bitterness will make her a very unhappy person, I hope you can get through to her.

countingto10 · 16/11/2011 11:57

As some wise ladies said to me when I asked the question a couple of years ago (and after DH had already introduced the OW to our DCs when I didn't even know there was an OW !!!!!!), take comfort from the fact that the ex will have to go through the same feelings when she introduces a new partner to her DCs.

It is a horrible feeling but as others have said, unless there is a child protection issue then sadly there is nothing she can do accept appeal to his better nature Hmm. At the time, my DH only agreed to the DC not meeting OW again for a couple of month (he left her a week after our conversation). Another lady on here managed to get her ex to sign an agreement not to introduce OW for a year.

Good luck to her.

Aislingorla · 16/11/2011 12:26

Well, it depends on whether the DC want to meet the ow/om or not. Andthat, of course, will depend on how old they are.
My colleague's teens absolutely refuse to meet their Dad's ow.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 16/11/2011 13:32

If she's paying a lawyer or intending to consult one which is, of course, the sensible thing for her to do, it's not your place to disabuse her of the notion that she's going to be able to get everything she wants including preventing the dcs from having any contact with the OW.

I suggest you continue to support and listen to her and be ready to sympathise when it begins to dawn on her that some aspects of the provision made for the dcs will be out of her control.

hotteapot · 16/11/2011 22:23

She can't prevent him introducing them unless she can prevent him having any contact himself, or unless the OW is likely to harm them.

She can ask him nicely not to just yet if she feels they need longer to adjust to the split. But he may say no.

And, as others have said, you should try and help her to get over the hurt so that she doesn't find it so difficult for them to move on.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/11/2011 22:41

You would be better telling her that no, she can't stop this, and emphasising that she wouldn't want her XP to be able to veto any other men she chooses to spend time with, rather than encouraging her to think that she can use the courts to punish her XP for choosing someone else as a partner.
Being dumped is rotten and miserable, but the only thing to do is get over it. Bitterness and spite hurt you far more than the other person.

Original poster
Hippee · 16/11/2011 23:00

Thanks everyone. I feel like I can't actually can't do anything except be there and be sympathetic - I don't want to tell her that ultimately her worst fear will be realised. Her XH is a really good dad and I know he'd not want to do anything to upset the kids - so it's more that she needs to convince him that they aren't ready yet (rather than she's not ready for it yet).

OP posts:
cornflowers · 17/11/2011 09:49

Hmmm if her ex is 'a really good dad' Who 'wouldn't do anything to upset the kids' none of this would be happening now. Surely.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 17/11/2011 10:17

Not necessarily Cornflowers. Given that the woman seems to be keen on threatening legal action when she doesn't get her own way, the XH may have dumped her for being spiteful and controlling in the first place.
And even if that wasn't the case, dumping one partner for another is not invariably one of the things that stops a person being a good parent.

Original poster
Hippee · 17/11/2011 13:22

SolidGold - I wouldn't describe her as spiteful and controlling at all, but it isn't as cut and dried as XH being the devil incarnate. Don't want to write any details here as they have both talked to me in confidence, but I feel really sorry for both of them. It has certainly made me look at my own marriage and prompted me to not take things for granted so much!

OP posts:
rabbitfeet · 17/11/2011 16:23

Why is it her 'worst fear' that her children meet the OW? She will always be their mother, she can't prevent them from ever forming a bond with anyone else - that sounds controlling and inappropriate to me.

Original poster
Hippee · 17/11/2011 22:24

rabbitfeet - I think it all still really raw.

OP posts:
deburca · 18/11/2011 07:54

I think the point here really is that the exw feels that the other woman is what caused her marriage to end and she certainly doesnt want her children to bond with someone who has, in her eyes, ended their happy home life.

I feel for you Hippee as you are trying to be her friend and protect her from any more hurt however I do think that she is on a losing ticket here.

One hopeful thought though is that as the children grow older they will be more clued in to what has actually happened and will see the great lengths there mum has gone to to try and ensure their happiness.

Fwiw I think you sound like a great friend and Im sure she appreciates you.

ditzymitzy2 · 18/11/2011 11:46

Hmmm if her ex is 'a really good dad' Who 'wouldn't do anything to upset the kids' none of this would be happening now. Surely.

lol, so everyone should stay with the other parent of the child regardless.

Hmm think some on here wouldnt agree with that, bearing in mind all the Leave The Bastard advice

ChasingSquirrels · 18/11/2011 11:56

The thing is, the children will probably meet her anyway- and then due to the mothers issues with her (and I completely accept the validity of these feelings) the children may then feel they have to hide that part of their life.

plantarflexion · 18/11/2011 12:49

I know someone in this situation he is on the other side, as it were . Her boyfriend went through formal separation about a year ago but he and his ex ? w are both reluctant to go through formal divorce due to finances . My friend has been told that she must not spend time with or even see his kids , lest it upset them. They are both under 16 but not liitle kids . Her boyfriend has told her his kids will always come first and he needs her to stick to what he has agreed with his ?ex . My friend is sad . She loves kids, would be a great and respectful step-mum . She is not making any fuss about it . She just hopes attitudes will change in time . My own fear is that the pressures of his divorce ( or non-divorce ) plus this will be too much for her relationship .

plantarflexion · 18/11/2011 12:51

Sorry , typo. She is on the other side .

Original poster
Hippee · 20/11/2011 20:00

Chasing - I think that is true - apparently they already feel awkward about having a good time with their dad if their mum is around.

OP posts:
Smum99 · 20/11/2011 20:41

Counselling is the only way - she needs to move forward as the bitterness will hurt the dc's and ultimately herself. Some people struggle to move through the stages of recovery when a relationships fails and counselling could be useful. Spending money with solicitors is likely to increase her bitterness especially as the success rate will be low.

Sparks1 · 20/11/2011 20:52

I sincerely hope this thread was a piss take.

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