I need to break free from my unfaithful narcissictic abusive husband, what hold has he over me?

[womanindenial]

I have been with my DH for 11 years, married for almost 9, we have a DS age 6 and a DD age 4, we have had a relatively good marriage apart from my DH constant accusations to me of infidelity throughout on and off never with any proof and accusations that I make him feel insecure etc etc and I always put this down to the fact that his mother emotionally and verbally abused him as a child and I so loved him and at other times he was so loving and kind and generous and made me feel like the most important person in the world. He has always threatened to leave me on and off every time we have a row it's 'I don't want to be married to you anymore' which is horrible and makes me feel terrible. He got some therapy just before our DS was born for his jealousy and insecurity which stemmed from father leave when young and abusive mother but he never finished it as said found it too upsetting but he did improve massively at the time but didn't last.

Anyway years of that up and down but mostly good times but he ruined many nights out and occasions with his abusive behaviour especially when drunk towards me. 6 months ago I had a MMS the second one in 18 months (the first one he was totally shit no emotional support whatsoever, really let me down I was beside myself with grief) I didn't want sex, the day after the D and C he was texting me asking when we could have sex and in not a romantic way either, I felt pressured after 2 weeks to have sex I wasn't in the mood and basically asked him to hurry up because I thought the DC's were coming upstairs and he took this to mean I wasn't attracted to him anymore and really went off on one to extremes where I actually left and went to my mums for a couple of days and during this time he accused me of having an affair with my ex boss and saying we both got sacked!!! he went and told every one he works with, was texting my mum all sorts of ridiculous stuff etc. A month of hell ensued with him lining up a flat to leave me yet again, the kids were devastated, I was begging him to stay he kept shouting at me to admit I was having an affair but how could I when I wasn't and he didn't even have any proof, I really though he had completely lost the plot and I was so scared and worried for him and also so sad at losing him and our family breaking up it was awful.

Eventually he agreed to see a therapist and 3 nights before he is due to go 4 months ago he confesses to me that for 9 years of our 11 years together (and for over 20 years in total) he has on occasion been going to public toilets and has been watching other men (and they watching him) masturbate and has also on occasion mutual masturbated with one another. He tells me he isn't gay but must be bisexual but that he has no desire to sleep with men or have a relationship with a man but that he just likes to watch cocks cum. He did tell me of an encounter he had with a friend of his years ago before we married where he had a 69 but neither of them came and that he hadn't enjoyed it and I just put that down to experience and drink but either way I made it clear then that it would be being unfaithful even going with a member of the same sex and he agreed. This blew my world apart I feel I have been to hell and back ever since and my life doesn't feel worth living, he is still seeing the therapist and says he is making good progress. I didn't kick him out, I screamed and shouted and cried and felt like I was dying as I grieved for my husband the man I thought I knew and tortured myself by looking at photos of our wedding, the birth of our babies, all my life felt like a sham.

I decided I still loved him and I wanted to try and forgive him, he was in therapy so at long last facing his demons, he seemed remorseful and in pain that he had caused me pain and I had just arranged to have some therapy myself to help me deal with the ongoing anger and resentment I feel towards him which comes and goes and is easily surfaced with the slightest comment from him that I take offence to. The problem I have now is that I feel he is obsessed with sex (we have always had an excellent sex life from day one) and since confession we have done it three times because of me I have no trust not because I am worried he will do again because I actually don't think he will but I don't trust that he won't be abusive or disrespectful again towards me and he doesn't seem to be letting me down either. I have told him that love is not enough and his actions have been abusive and disrespectful and he has shown no loyalty towards me, he seems ot have a very low opinion of women generally I feel and rareyl takes responsibility for his actions and has always blamed others (primarily me) whenever anything has gone wrong. Anyway I feel I have been feeling better of late, the bad days are fewer and further apart and I was looking forward to xmas but last week I found he had been on ebay looking for 'cum shots' and porn films, felt sick and devastated, he is also masturbating daily, he has done both these things before in fact we used to watch a porn film once a week together so I am not a prude but with everything that has gone on it feels to me that he is still cheating and I told him this tonight when he got back from therapy as I had seen he had been looking at sex pills online when supposedly looking for me some herbal tablets to make me feel better!!! he went off on one said it was normal why do I need to make him feel like a freak then launched into again he had the chance of a house and he was going to take it (same as always, its his trump card) I feel he has not made as much effort as he could have considering all he has done to me, I would have moved heaven and earth to put things right with him but he says to me now this is who I am more or less take it or leave it when I told him I wasn't happy to know he was doing these things. Why do I put up with it? I have never suffered from low self esteem, I have always been a confident independent woman, I'm attractive funny and am popular. I feel so shit and worthless at the moment, I feel I have made shit choices for my children becuase although he is a good father actually we are now going to be a broken family and I know they will be devastated and that breaks my heart but also that I do still love him and I don't want him to leave, I want him to fight for our relationship and make it better but he always runs always, I have fought on and off for our relationship a;l these years and now it just feels like it has been for nothing and I feel like such a fool I really do.

I totally agree with all the posters on here WID and think you've been given some excellent advice.

I also recognise how you feel when you say that you want your kids to have a proper family home with a mum and dad in. It was for this reason that I put up with my STBXH for years longer than I should have. I allowed him to put me down, treat me with contempt, often ignore me and walk all over me whilst I made excuse after excuse for him.

The thing is, whilst we are papering over the huge cracks for the kids, the kids grow up - and they see what's going on; if they're boys they learn that the way dad's treating mum is 'normal'. Girls learn that the way mum is putting up with being treated like shit is ok. Luckily, when I finally saw the light and threw twunt out 3 of my 4 kids were in their mid to late teens, and told me to get shot of him.

I was married for 22 years hon, and I had invested my best years in our marriage - and I thought it would be for keeps, so I didn't want to let go.

Letting go was the best thing I ever did. You have zero self respect because of the way he's treated you. You think he's all you deserve because he's imprinted that belief on your soul, by his actions, his cruelty and his destructiveness. You can pay a therapist to help you, and I really hope therapy works - but being honest with yourself is the kindest thing you can do.

You know that you have to rethink your life, and your future will be different, otherwise you wouldn't post on here.

It's a scary place you're in; but it's better than the alternative. Don't take responsibility for making this abusive relationship 'work', don't make excuses for this horrible man.

He will probably up the anti when he knows how serious you are - we've all seen it before - prepare for it by being cool and detached with him. Have no contact at all unless it's brief and about the kids. See a solicitor asap.

You'll get through this - I started to live again the day I booted twunt out. Do I have any regrets? Only one - that I didn't do it years earlier.

X

how you feeling this morning, WID ?

hi am feeling pretty shit and emotionally shattered but I have work to do at the moment and I have to focus on getting this week over, I've got behind enough over these past 5 months and I can't do that again so I am trying to put to one side for a few days. He text me this morning said 'sorry x' I text him back told him I couldn't stand this anymore. He came home from work, the DCs at my mums, we spoke for an hour, I told him how I feel (frightened that he will never change and that once on an even keel again the abuse will start up again, I don't trust him not to hurt me again and said I couldn't go through that again) he told me that he would never ever cheat on me again that he is remorseful and ashamed of what he did.

I talked to him about why he never took responsibility for anything and always blamed me or others or something else rather than look to himself and I asked him why he always chose to hurt me if he professed to love me. He acknowledged for the first time ever actually that he has on occasion said some things to specifically hurt me at the time and others said in the heat of the moment etc

I really though we were getting somewhere, he sounded like he was being honest but then after an hour he was getting agitated and rolling his eyes and I said why are you doing that and he said I just don't know what you're going on about now, I don't understand what you're talking about, all I've got from that is that you're frightened of me (I didn't say that and I pointed that out) (was telling him how I felt and why and what my fears were above and how he was so confident he wouldn't do it again ie the cheating and the abuse, what had he learned about himself or what had he accepted or changed or whatever to draw that conclusion because I had yet to experience that from him) so I broke it down into shorter sentences and kept checking back with him that he understood me i.e. 'well I understand that what you want from me is to be able to move on and for us to get back to normal' 'well I don't know now' (MOVING GOALPOSTS) 'well half an hour ago thats what I understood you to say is that right?' 'well yes' 'well I want to be able to move on too but I can't because I am frightened, do you understand what I'm saying? 'yes' and so on for a few minutes but then the smug rolling of eyes as though just answering for answering sake when I am checking back with him that I am being understood and then accuses me of talking to him like a child and patronising him and brow beating him into submission,wwhhaatt the FUCK????? I was calm throughout yet he accused me of being angry 'you're just angry' 'no I don't feel angry tonight, I feel very calm actually I haven't raised my voice or shouted or lost control, I'm not angry' (said all the while in a normal tone of voice at normal volume) 'yes you are you're angry, you're always angry' (can now feel myself getting angry, I am beginning to now see how it works)

I then said well I really don't see what else I can do now, I try to communicate with you in a calm manner to express how I feel and what I need from you and yet you still keep throwing it back onto me (several times when I was talking about things he did he would say well what about you etc etc and I said we're not talking about me are we, why do you do that? then got oh so I'm not even allowed to speak about my feelings am I, I'm allowed no rights, I've just got to be submissive to you so you can brow beat me into what you want) so what's the answer? shrugs shoulders, can I go and get the kids now? when he returned I said 'so what are you going to do then?' 'about what?' 'about what? I can't turn that into a shorter sentence, what do you think?' 'I don't know' has now gone out for his walk (we take in turns to keep fit) when he comes back he'll put the children to bed as I am 'working', well will be in a min!!

I am seeing the therapist sat, will give me a chance to offload and I am hoping will start to make me realise I have to call it quits (I am not quite there yet in realisation as someone pointed out) I have a ton of college work to do over the next few weeks, I have to concentrate on and get done and its my son's birthday in 3 weeks, then xmas, call it burying my head in the sand or whatever but I don't feel strong enough to be making life changing decisions/taking actions at the moment a few weeks before xmas, new year new life one way or another because I cannot (I WILL NOT) have another year like this one!! thanks for listening and all your support xx

Hang on for your therapy session

yes, you are busy at the moment

Anyone with a family has a lot on their plate

but that is always the case

there will always be another b'day, Xmas, special occasion, college deadline, school whatever to pin the blame on not taking any action on

can you see what I am saying ?

decide whether you want to still be here, doing this over and over a year from now

then act accordingly

and we will always be here to support you through it, no matter how long it takes

I hear what you say and I will not be in this situation in a years time I know that now without a doubt, I just don't want to make life difficult for MYSELF in the next few weeks because I have only a few weeks to get all my college work done (and wouldn't be able to do that and take care of DC's by myself), we have tickets and family commitments and other stuff in the lead up to xmas and all my family are coming for xmas, there are too many people I would let down and to be honest the atmosphere is pretty ok at the moment so I would rather get Dec out of the way and then make plans, there are no other reasons to delay then, my children are only young, no hols booked or anything for new year and I don't want to upset the children in the lead up to xmas by booting him out because they would be devastated especially my DD who is a real daddy's girl and they are too young to understand so will blame me (they are both very close to their dad to be fair he treats them well notwithstanding activities outside the home if you see what I mean!) plus I don't want to have a shit xmas myself either and I know his behaviour will be fine because we will have people over most of the time if no other reason. I feel much better having talked it out thanks for your support x

keep posting when you feel the need, and you know where we are x

hi girls just wanted to update and say that he left a week later, I eventually chucked him out because he told the children he was leaving without telling me he was going to do that first and when I took them to bed that night they burst into tears and were so upset so I came downstairs told him to go and when he refused I chucked all his stuff on the front garden and phoned the police!!! boy did that feel good! anyway it has been hard as you said it would be, I haven't done anything about the divorce yet and he sees the children every week in his apartment round the corner and they are very happy and well adjusted, can't say it's all roses as he still gets nasty sometimes and I have to make an effort to ignore especially when he even texts me sometimes for emotional support when he is feeling shit FFS!!! told him to forget that one. I feel I am getting my life back on track, going swimming and zumba and spending time with the children and the house is a lot calmer as a result and I actually feel I have more time for myself and my needs (smile) and I am enjoying life again and you know what I wouldn't have him back now if he were the last man on earth seriously!! thanks again girls take care xx

Congratulations op!