IL Issues finally reached a head. What do we do now?

[allibaba]

Been on here several times in the past giving opinions and asking for help but after nearly a decade of being hated by FIL, DH finally stood up to him last week.

Not to go in to too much detail FIL slagged me off in front of DS1 (19mo), who is at the point of understanding a lot of what we say, for upsetting MIL (which incidentally I didn't do - its a long story and she is mentally ill and has completely misinterpreted a letter sent to her with pictures DS1 did at nursery which neither me or DH understand).

Anyway, DH told him not to talk about me like that. I wasn't there as I havn't been round in 6 months having made decision with DH that it was no longer something I could do. MIL noticed that DH was upset when he left and today spoke to him to ask what was going on. DH explained that he was no longer prepared to put up with his DF's behaviour towards me and that he wasn't prepared to have conversation with DS1 about "why does Grandad hate mum?".

MIL tried to blame me but DH stood his ground and said no it was all down to FIL (which it is) and said "if allibaba has ever been rude then its becuase she has been defending herself against nasty things said first by DF".

Now, I'm really pleased that this is out in the open and something has finally been said. But now also wondering if this is the best thing. Although the understanding we had reached wasn't perfect with me not going round anymore and we don't want FIL to slag me off in front of DC, he is the type of man not to speak to DH for some time now as DH has sided with me and the last thing I wanted was to break up DHs family or cause an issue hence why I took myself out of the situation.

Really don't know how to feel or what next course of action will be for us. Chances are MIL will not mention todays chat with DH to FIL so DH is planning to say same to FIL over the phone tonight when they speak.

Why can't things be more simple!!

Oh what a pain. I'm really glad your DH said something though, because your DS would have got very confused. Your FIL sounds like he is not very nice to say the least, even if for some reason you don't get on with your DIL being polite is just good manners.

Hope it all sorts out for the better

Do nothing whatsoever.

Your FIL and MIL chose their own behaviour. If they decide not to speak to your DH that is THEIR choice and nothing to do with you.

Don't waver. FIL sounds like a bully. Let him sulk. It's HIS loss. Maybe he'll learn to behave with a bit of respect in future.

Because relationships aren't simple either (although they can be at times for some folk). BUT, I say WELL DONE to your DH for sticking up for you. If your DH says the same thing to his dad and his dad doesn't speak to him or you, then you could look on the bright side and think of the lack of nastiness from your FIL in front of your DC AND the peace you'll have without all that .

Lets hope he comes to his senses and gives you both the respect you deserve.

Well done Mr Alibaba

I haven't seen my ILs for 8 yrs and 5 days. Dp always stuck up for me when his (mainly) mother started, but it was impacting on our relationship, his brothers would also get involved (on my side) his sisters (on hers) and it was ruining the whole family dynamic.

I actually don't think we'd still be together if I still had to see these people. Dp takes dd to see them, she is 8 and has asked a few times why I don't go, I just say, "Oh, I'm busy mumsnetting ironing" or whatever at the moment. I will tell her the truth when the moment comes that she is old enough to push me for it, I will not continue to make excuses for these vile people who, apart from hating each and every DIL/SIL they have,can't have much respect for their children either.

Just saying the above to let you know that it is OK not to have any more contact with toxic people. MIL is now about 80 and DP keeps telling me she's changed, to which I reply "Me too,I'm stronger now than I was 8 yrs ago with a newborn in my arms when I was being told I could no longer go out of the country to see my own family". Changed? After 80 yrs? I doubt it.

Good luck, and well done to your husband.

My good friend has been in a similar situation as you all the 17 years she has been with her partner. His parents esp his df did not approve of the relationship..(she is older & was seperated with a child when they met) & his df has tried many times to split them up & up until a year ago was still doing, even though they are very happy & now got children of their own. She tried the tack where she took a step back from in-law family events her dp went with the children etc.. thought it would difuse situation but still did'nt work, in the end her dp told his family they are making him choose & he chooses her everytime & very rarely sees or speaks to his family but their homelife is so much better for it!! They say that each other & their children are their family & they come first!! x

Thanks all, very sensible advice too.

Well, FIL phoned last night shortly after posting. DH spoke to him for all of 10 mins, was very polite to him, joked about a couple of things and left it on a good note generally. Didn't say a word about last week or the conversation had with MIL earlier in the day.

So as much as I was thinking "Shit, whats going to happen now?" I was also thinking "Great! I don't have to put up with this for much longer!".

Now feel like I'm in limbo again and so frustrated and disappointed. DH says he will tackle this as he really doens't want it to continue in front of DS1. I got really upset last night (possibly pg hormones, am 34 weeks with DS2) as I don't feel things will ever move on and would I really want them to anyway? I can't see me ever building a relationship with either MIL or FIL as too much has happened for me to forgive and/or forget but DH now really confused as to what I expect him to do: nothing or something.

I'm so sick of this and all the emotion spent on it. We are both stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it all really sucks!!!!