How can I help my mother?

[boschy]

Mum is 81, widowed for 15 years, getting increasingly physically frail. got all her marbles but very deaf which can make communication difficult. I work from home and she lives round the corner from us - which is where it gets difficult, and I am a Bad Daughter I fear.

I dont spend much time with her - I phone/email a lot, but I am not one for popping in nor her to me. part of the reason is that she is very intense - I cant just drop in and talk about the weather or the price of tomatoes for 10 minutes, it has to be a 2 hour session about my innermost emotional wellbeing. equally, we cant talk about my DC/DH/DB and his family for the same reason - she has to analyse everything.

I KNOW this is because she is lonely and alone and has too much time to think, but I find it very hard to deal with, I dont have time to analyse my own innermost emotional state let alone anyone else's, or necessarily want to share them with her if I did. If I ever do have a whinge about anything in my life she clings onto it like a dog with a bone and keeps bringing it up again and again.

She's also very independent, wont ask for any help etc and if I offer gets quite offended. The other side of that is that if I say "would you like to go somewhere" she will say no because she is too busy/too tired/got to collect the cat food/whatever.

she has a form of skin cancer at the moment, and is making quite a big thing of it - I know this sounds really callous, but I have had melanoma twice, so the fact that she has a non-aggessive form now at 81 is kind of not as bad as it could be iyswim - what she has wont kill her, is not painful, is just a little unsightly.

I would love to find a way to be with her, to give her more company etc, but without having to give too much of myself all the time, if that makes sense? I love her, but she exhausts me.

Boschy, sorry to hear of your dilemma. No useful advice to offer here but why dont you try posting this on the 'Elderly parents' thread. You might get more support over there.

Would she be interested in playing a game instead, like scrabble or cards? The you could just talk about the game, rather than deep & meaningful stuff?

thank you, those are both good ideas. (didnt even know there was an elderly parents bit, but I will check that out!)

it's not that I want to hold back from her (well I do a bit) its just that whatever I say is continually reanalysed, referred to in future situations etc etc, and I'm not that type of person.

I hope this doesn't come across harshly but it's likely that she isn't going to be around for much longer so could you put aside an hour a week where you sit with her and tune out, nod and smile? There were times when you were little that she would have happily thrown you out the window but she soldiered on as she is your mum. Try to repay a little bit of that now if you can.

I feel for you Boschy. My dad was very similar but long bitter rants on one of his set subjects rather than an in depth analysis of me and mine.

I found that going in regularly for 5-10 minutes always with a purpose and a need to leave "sorry dad, got to pick the kids up from xxx" made it easier. I'd pop round with groceries (he said he could buy his own but I could always find something to drop by - a chicken from the supermarket rotisserie, a book he might like, a cake etc etc).

Towards the end of his life he was in a home and my husband and I would actually sit in the car for a couple of minutes before a visit working out topics of conversation which we could introduce to distract him if he was going off on a rant.

He was very resistant to going anywhere too but I managed to get him to go to a lunch club which he really enjoyed. He didn't speak to anyone when he was there but it made a big difference to him.I got his doctor to tell him he needed to get out and about-that's how I got him to the lunch club in the first place.

I also made him a photo album with pictures from his childhood to mine. That was good for talking through and brought out some positive stories from his childhood rather than the negative ones I'd heard so many, many times.
I picked up on elements of some of his stories and found out a bit more about them. Bit of Internet research and I had printouts of local history, background to items in the news and so on. All things to focus on rather than his chosen (and incredibly wearing, it was the constant negativity that got to me) conversational route. It did help him. He got more positive and I think got more out of our interactions than if he had just kept to his normal diatribe of how x had doublecrossednhim, Y was vicious, Z had always hated him...
I do hope that things get better for you.

CailinDana yes you are right, I know I should let it wash over me.... the trouble is she wont let me!! because she is still sharp enough to know that's what I'm doing. DH and I have some problems at the moment (financial, not relationship), she knows about them and wants to talk about the ALL THE TIME!! and because DH and I discuss them at length I really really dont want to talk about them anymore...

whatdoIknow yes, the negativity is very wearing. mum doesnt rant, particularly, but she sees everything in shades of grey to black. ho hum.

Ah I see. What happens if you say "I'd rather not talk about that" and try to change the subject?

she goes on and on about it! then eventually says rather huffily "well what would you rather talk about?" so I will mention something one of the children is doing and she then starts on about that particular child - in a nice way, but also somehow making me feel inadequate that I am not as rosy-eyed about them as she is if that makes sense?

it's hard to explain, but it's as if she feels the need to constantly big the children up to me; I am by no means critical of/negative about them, but I suppose I am quite realistic - eg, dd1 is dyslexic, pretty low IQ - but lovely, bright in other ways etc. I KNOW she will not, and does not want to, read english lit at Cambridge, but my Mum thinks "if she wants to do it she will" and constantly tells me so.

or if I move it to politics, which she's interested in, it becomes a diatribe.