Ex not seeing children because I let him and he wants to hurt me

[trix11]

I left my husband two years ago with my children, the marriage had problems and I was the fixer but after years of fixing I met someone else took the chance and left. It has worked out well with my new partner I love him dearly he is so considerate and gentle I have never been happier, except for, the fact the my ex h has more or less stopped seeing his children, often he would make arrangements and then let them down by not turning up. Lately though his contact has been almost non existence and it breaks my heart to see the children upset and missing him.
When I left him I really believed we would have shared parenting responsibility. I cannot believe he reuses to see them and lets them down so much. I am asking mysel now had I known this is how he would be towards the children would I have stayed with him to ensure the childrens happiness.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How can I get him to see that he is hurting the children not me (although him hurting the children does hurt me).

I haven't been in your situation, trix, but from an outside perspective all I can say is that it is his choice to behave this way, and you can't "get him to see" anything that he doesn't choose to see.

He is choosing to behave in a way that is hurting your children. it is not your doing or your fault or your responsibility. Let go the guilt of the "what if...": no action of yours - staying, going, trying to "make him" see sense now - can or could have influenced his behaviour. Only he has the power to do that.

It's clearly painful for your children, but as long as you give them consistent love, limits, and support, you will be evening out much of the damage their father is doing them. Their feelings about their father will be their own to process: you can't stop them being hurt, but you can be there for them when they are.

Thank you ITSME, just so hard seeing him so angry and hurting and then hurting his children. Hopefully in time things will settle down. He has met someone who he seems to be quite happy with. I can only leave him to get on with it I suppose.

I am asking mysel now had I known this is how he would be towards the children would I have stayed with him to ensure the childrens happiness.

I think this sentence explains exactly why he is behaving like this. Even though you have left your xh, he is still trying to control you. He is trying to create as much hurt and upset as possible to punish you for leaving. If he can make the children agree with him, (that it was better when you two were together) so much the better.

Attempting to get him to change is simply engaging with his childish behaviour, and re-establishing the old dynamic, that of you trying to 'fix' him. His behaviour is NOT your responsibility, and you know it. Do not allow him to suck you back in to a situation where you are running around, trying to placate his feelings in an attempt to get him to be 'nice' to his family.

Your children will be hurt by their father's selfishness. There is, sadly, nothing that you can do about this, apart from love them, listen to them and provide a stable and secure home. Which I'm sure you are already doing.

trix11, I have a similar scenario with my ex. He makes almost zero effort, despite my efforts over the past 3 years. I have now taken a step back, and take no responsibility for his decisions and actions. When I made that choice, I did lose that guilt I always had for DD. I don't know why he does this - I've told him that him not seeing DD doesn't affect me as I don't need a break etc. it just affects the once close relationship he had with her. Nothing gets through to him, so I leave him to get on with whatever he does, with the knowledge that he can see DD whenever he wishes to. All I can do is love my DD and give her the support she needs to deal with that. My DD has no real memory of living with her dad so she doesn't now what she is missing out on - which is I guess different if your kids have clear memories of their dad. She does see him every few months, but it's no where near a reasonable amount of time for him to have a major input in her life. But it seems to work for her, for now. My DD is a happy, content, confident, well-adjusted wee girl because I make sure she is surrounded by people who do love her and care for her. It's not the same as having her dad involved as much as he should, but it helps, and seems to make a difference to her.

Just be the mum they need, and make sure they know they are loved and wanted. That literally is all you can do. As painful as it is to see their hurt, you can only help them manage that hurt, and process it in a way that will do the least amount of damage. Knowing that it isn't them, it isn't what they have done, it's just the choice their dad makes and that isn't their fault, is what they need to know and understand.

Thank you for the advise. I agree with what has been posted and will now step out of the drama triange. Shocking that a grown man can hurt his children like this. But hey what can I do?

Hi Trix,
Giving your kids a happy mum and a good stepdad-sounds like you are doing a brilliant job for your kids. You can't stop them hurting but you can give them a safe environment to grow in and that's so important. Big hug your way for being brave.xx

Just think: his behaviour now shows how very right you were to bin him. He's a knob.

Do your children have contact with their fathers parents? That may be a way to facilitate contact if you can drop them there, and then it is upto him if he wants to see them or not, and at least they will maintain a relationship with his side of the family.

You are not responsible for how your ex is behaving - it is a choice on his part. Do what you can to encourage him to see the children, speak well of him to them, suggest they phone him, send him pictures and pieces of writing they have done. Keep the links and one day he may see how foolish and hurtful his behaviour is to all of you. He is trying to punish you but you do not have to punish yourself.

I'm sorry for your DC but a twat like this will hurt them at some point in the future -you are not responsible for it.

It's also not your responsibility to facilitate access via outlaws. If they wish to see DC- that's between you. Don't encourage or facilitate your ex's control over you. If he behaves a certain way...let him. Choose to be not affected. Your DC will adjust and yes it's v sad for them but it is also a learning curve that you cannot stop, because he will one day be capable of this again. Now, may be less painful for them.

Just make sure you are there for them, forever and consistently

been there done that trix.....my ex h was like this with my dd.....it took 2yrs for her to realise what a ba*rd he is.....he would arrange to see dd, on the day he would phone dd up saying i'm not coming to see you cos your useless, fat, and lots more names, he even told dd to go kill herself, (she has sn) and we went 2yrs with her trying to kill herself, because her dad told her it would make him happy, if he did see dd she would come home with black eyes, covered in bruises etc......it might take a while but your dc will realise whats going on and its not your fault.....don't let your ex h know it bothers you when your dc get upset and let down.....if he contacts you after letting the dc down....say oh wow i'm so glad you didn't turn up as we did so n so and we all had so much fun.....thank him.....(turns the table onto him) he will realise he's not in control.

ALso, OP: Don't think that if you had forced yourself to stay with him, DC would have been happy. A man this selfish and unpleasant would have found ways to make you all miserable somehow.

I agree with SGB, he's simply not a nice person. To use his children to hurt and punish you and continually let them down are not the actions of a loving parent. He just doesn't get/have the capability of doing the right thing by them..probably ever.

I would stop facilitating contact as this will drag it all out and cause more pain in the long run. Let him do the running and I wouldn't go on about the fact that he loves them blah blah. They will grow up with a totally warped idea of what love entails.

Make sure they know that you and the healthy adults around them love them to pieces and what amazing children they are. Which I'm sure you're doing.

You did really well to get away from him so please don't regret that x

I can only echo what everyone else has said. You are not hurting your children, he is. And he is a grown man over whom you have no responsibility. I know it hurts you to see you children upset, but sadly there's nothing you can do to except leave him to it - don't help him make contact, leave it totally up to him and don't let him know you're affected by it. Also, don't tell the DC about any visits until he actually turns up, so they won't be disappointed if he cancels. If they ask why he isn't coming to see them, say you don't know, which is the truth.

Thanks for all the supporting posts, it has made me feel more positive about the future. The children see their grandparents on their dads side almost every week and I have a good relationship with them. They have tried to encourage their son to step up and have a relationship with the children but this has resulted in them being alienated from his life too. He has not told anyone where he is living it is a big secret, so there is no way of sending him any letters cards from the children. When challenged by me or his family about contact he says he has to put himself first now and get on with his own life with his new girlfriend and her two children. It is totally up to him now.