can a relationship really be fixed after.....

[rita2007]

hi
i recently decided i wanted to file for legal seperation but my husband has talked me out of it. little background - since the birth of our son we have had issues - essentially him acting like a teen and not wanting to help with the hard work associated with having a child. he basically pulled away from me in every single way. for 1st 2 yrs i kept trying to talk to him about our issues/relationship but he sighed and acted annoyed like he had no time to talk to me. bottom line, after being ignored for 2 yrs i became emotionally detached - now 4 yrs on after counselling, and lack of subsequent action, etc., etc, he is asking for another chance - prob for the 3rd time now.

add to that, that he still leaves every free minute he gets for his mom house, is stingy with me and hides his assets, financial info etc. - I dont think the hurt and bitterness i feel will let me try to fix things but wanted to ask what other think....based on their own experience, etc?

please & thanks

mimmismum, I don't think I am one of 'those' who cry 'leave the b*' and I really like when people like you are coming forward. People whose marriage was in a difficult position and managed to turn it around.

However, from what the OP has said, she has tried already and has had professional guidance (Through counselling together with her H). She made herself very clear: things had to change or she would leave (and had already a lawyer) But it made little difference. So an honest conclusion is that he isn't willing to change?
I think you do have to wonder if now is not the time to throw the towel. So much hurt, so much effort. There is a point where you need to say enough is enough.

Rita do you think he is trying to move money on the side and cover himself so that he doesn't have to 'share'?

mimmismum...there is a reminder at the top of this board that no-one here is a professional counsellor who knows you personally and everyone's advice should be viewed through that lens

do you think OP is stupid ?

that she hasn't read or understood that disclaimer ?

how very patronising of you, to feel you need to "protect" her from the evil naysayers of Mumsnet

haven't you read that she tried everything within her power to help him see he is throwing their relationship away ?

how long do you recommend that women in hopeless relationships like this keep trying to "change" him, or keep doing the same thing over and over in the vain hope that he will have an epiphany ?

is 4 years not enough in your opinion ? 10 years ? 20 ? 40 ?

Op will still be young enough to make a life away from someone who just doesn't see the need tto change, who won't ever put her needs first. Better she goes now than look back in 40 yrs time and wish she had taken that plunge

this one man is not worth it... no man is

OP if it were me I'd carry on with your original plan to separate. I'd go the whole hog and divorce.

No way would I give ANOTHER chance at this stage. The man still seems to only spout words (talking you out of it) and his action do not back this up.

Once separate for some time and away from him you will be able to take the time to re-evaluate everything and build your self esteem back up.

Who knows he may change his spots, it's doubtful though. You can always get back together and remarry.

i def agree that we cant label anyone as bitter or angry - i too believe people have an opinion (which is what i was asking for) when they identify with certain things i have said that they themselves went through. whether or not my marriage will survive - i dont know yet. it is a big decision and i do know that which is why 3 yrs on, i am still trying to figure it all out after seeking counselling, friends and family's advice, etc.

he told me the other day, not to worry about finances and he would not screw me over as he loves his son more than anything - so that was reassuring. A lot of you who said he does not want out coz he has it all o his terms are so right coz as he spoke he mentioned everything that was convienent to him and when i asked him what i wud get out of it, he did not have much to say except he wud try to communicate with me and try to give me break some times by taking care of his son.

who knows what will happen. it is true that sometimes things get worst the longer u try in a situation that is not beneficial but there is also a chance that things can improve even after years of trying to get the other person to make a real proper effort. thats why no answer/opinion is neccessarily a solution. only if it was all so easy.

for now, i will give him one last chance, a few weeks and see if he can grow the F%&@ up...... sorry for foul language.......eeek ;o)

overall, thanks to everyone who took time out to write. i sooo appreciate all of ur responses :)

See you in a few weeks

We will be here

I am sure you will AF

thanks, AF, traveller, and all the others..... hope to see some change in next few weeks..... actually to be honest, i dont know if i want to see a change or just move on. eek ;o)

Do you think he can turn around in two weeks what he hasn't been bothered about for four years.....?

I really feel for you. All the best.

Sometimes these situations just take a bit of time - try to really observe how things really are - don't allow yourself to get involved in any arguments, just watch like an outsider.

Good luck Rita, hopefully when you come back mimmi will be able to explain to us what a 'twunk' is. ;)

Hi Rita, two words:

forensic accountant.

Look after yourself

So often the women on this forum take the blame for their DPs outrageous behaviour on themselves and look for ways that they can fix the relationship. Relationships can be fixed but where it's clear that their partner doesn't put in an equivalent effort then they are on a hiding to nothing. I'll admit that my advice is based on my own experience - of trying everything to make my man happy - being sexier, losing weight, cooking better food, giving him more attention, being more open, giving him more space, spending more quality time together, giving him a break from the children, encouraging him to see his friends, supporting his dreams and desires, talking about it, all of that and lots more that he demanded/asked for. But he wasn't putting the effort in in return and when you see that happen again and again to others, you want to help them to cut through to the realisation that if the guy isn't willing to make the effort and tow the line then you are better off out of the relationship than in it. Some of us have done it and are now in a much better place even though it's not at all easy.

Travellerforever, that is my story too.

The only was this kind of man changes is if you do what they dont expect, rather than what they do expect, and mean it.

he told me the other day, not to worry about finances and he would not screw me over as he loves his son more than anything - so that was reassuring

Erm... this is the same guy who is being stingy and secretive about his accounts? Now if I was BITTER HARRIDAN I would say that he's just soft soaping you with that, and will appear totally different once your legal papers come through the door...