Should I tell H to come over and then search his pockets?

[dustystarry]

Found out recently that H has been unfaithful. He swears its over and they havent been in contact since I found out a month ago but Im finding it hard to trust him after 18 months of lying.

OW called my mobile today. She pretended she thought she was calling someone else but I don't believe it as she has no reason to have my mobile number at all. I confronted H who claimed he knew nothing about it and didn't know how she got my number or why she would call me.

It was suggested to me that he might have a second secret mobile that he is keeping in contact with her with. I made him leave the family home when I found out about the affair and he has been living with his parents since then so its not easy to snoop. I hate being this suspicious person but I have to know if Im wasting my time hoping that we might still have a future.

He offered to come over after work tonight as I was really upset earlier. Should I call him and take him up on the offer and then get him to empty his pockets and bag when he gets here?

I doubt he'd be stupid enough to rock up with incriminatingstuff in his pocket.

Possibly the OW took down your number ages ago and is just trying to stir shit. I mean what else is the reason for her to ring.

If she and he were still at it, she'd know ringing you would infuriate him.

Why not call the OW?

Do you think she deliberately called your phone to alert you? why would she have your number?

I told him yesterday that I was thinking about divorcing him and that we needed to discuss child care etc as ds has SN and is very challenging to live with. I told H that I wanted us to have joint residency so that ds would spend part of the week with him and the rest with me. A friend suggested that this might have freaked him out as I doubt very much he had considered this possibility and that he had probably envisaged himself living an easy life either alone or with the OW if we ended up divorcing.

I don't blame you for not being able to trust him after all the lying.
If that would do any good to you then yes, take him up on his offer and ask him to empty his pockets.
You need to think thou what happens if you don't find anything? Will it be a step forward towards getting past this or will you always wonder if he's actually telling the truth or just getting better at lying?
Is he worth it? Is he worth your trust again? Do you have children together? Can you still see yourself with him for the rest of your life?

There's no point in calling the OW unless you are on a mission to lose your dignity by letting her think you are desperate.

I suggest you accept his offer to come over as you'll be able to ascertain far more from his demeanour and body language as to whether he's on the straight and narrow, or is seeing the OW or keeping in touch with her on the sly.

As for frisking him and searching his bag, nah... you've got more pride that ... although a quick peek in said bag if he leaves the room is an entirely different matter

I don't think I could trust anything she says so no point asking her really. He might not have anything with him but I think if he has another phone he will keep it close by. I have the car so he has to carry stuff about in a rucksack. If he has another phone I would expect it to be in there. I can't see him leaving it at his Mums and he's been in enough trouble with his work about this already was OW boss and thats against company policy. She has been moved so they no longer work together. She doesnt drive and now he doesnt have access to a car it is much more difficult for them to see each other so if they are still in contact its most likely by phone.

I would call the OW because if DH has had the ability to lie through his teeth to me for 18 months I wouldn't believe a word he has said since discovery.

It's not losing your dignity to call and ask the OW if DH has been in contact since x date.

Well Ive texted him and asked him to bring a bottle of wine over. He works in a shop and often brings stuff back that we want/need so he won't question it. I'll decide when he gets here what to do.

You'd believe an OW, Katie? And you don't think you'd lose any dignity by asking an OW to help you check up on a h on whom she may have, or be harbouring, ulterior designs?

Hope you get to the bottom of this. Good luck.

No izzy I don't believe I would.

And I'd believe just about anyone over someone who has proven to be a great big fat liar in the past.

The sad fact is that the only way I find out anything for sure is if i find evidence that he is still in contact with her. There is no way for him to prove he isnt really

I know, Dusty I have just read the other thread. You really do need to know, it must be so hard.

Are you planning on getting him plastered and then going through his pockets?

maybe get two bottles of vino ;)

That was meant tongue-in-cheek.

tempting but no. If I do this Im going to be upfront about it. I have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. Before I found out about the affair I was very trusting and never gave him a hard time about women etc. I am not jealous or possessive by nature but he has turned me into somebody I hardly recognise some days. He won't like it and he'll be hurt and angry if he's telling me the truth but after 18 months of lying he's just going to have to put up with it.

Thanks Katie