My mother in law is a relatively young one - she's 61 and my FIL is the same age. They have both been retired for some years now. I have known them for 21 years, since I began dating my husband when I was still at school.
When I first knew my MIL, she was 40 years old and always had plenty to say for herself, though was never exactly 'happy' and I never saw her get excited about anything - I wouldn't say we had much in common as she never had an education and was of the generation that 'waited on' their husbands and pretty much did as they were told - sort of the opposite of what my generation seemed to do - but despite this we always got along ok.
Over the years, she seemed to change - or perhaps I changed and grew up and gained life experience. I have definitely had the impression over the years that she found me 'difficult' at times and I know (because she has told me) that she finds my ideas about marriage odd and thinks I probably 'have a problem with men' and she thinks this is 'because I never had a father.' She bases her observations on the fact that I have expected my husband (her son) to take turns changing nappies and bathing the children and that sort of thing. I consider this to be the modern way of doing things and I have a career which I have managed to hold onto part-time, so I do expect some help at home.
We now have two lovely kids aged 6 and 2. When the eldest was born (their first grandchild), she was very excited about the baby and started coming to see us all the time, almost just to look at my bump. I thought this was lovely but once the baby was born and the initial joy wore off, their idea of being grandparents seemed to settle into fortnightly visits on their own terms and having photos to show their friends. In six years they have never once wanted to spend time with our kids - and no, they are not badly behaved.
Contact is now limited to babysitting once they are in bed, which she will happily do. They visit every few weeks when the children are awake. They are invited to school plays/nativities/birthday parties but they always decline. We invite them for Christmas and they also decline. Last year they agreed to come for tea on Christmas eve but changed their mind at the last minute. They have us for tea once every two years (cold buffet on boxing day every other year).
For a long time, I really resented my in-laws. I have no family on my side at all, so they are the only family we have and their lack of interest has left me feeling sad and isolated. Just recently I have wondered whether in fact my MIL is depressed - or just bloody miserable.
My FIL is (IMO) selfish and lazy and I'd have hated to have married a man like him. He does as he pleases in his retirement but expects MIL to have his dinner on the table every night. He refuses to drive if they go out together, so she never gets to enjoy a glass of wine. I took her out for lunch recently with our eldest daughter (she was reluctant to come - had to virtually drag her)and she mentioned that he 'never talks to her' in the house and that they sit in silence most of the time. I found her hard work to talk to when we went out for lunch - almost every time she opened her mouth it was to moan or complain about her 'lot' in life. She doesn't start converations and when you talk to her, you get stunted replies - waiting for our food to arrive was painful.
She doesn't see any friends socially except for a couple they see together twice a week. They used to have a wide circle of friends and she used to go abroad on girls' holidays but these trips ceased when they became friends with this other couple. She must be so lonely.
It was her birthday on Saturday and she complained that FIL waited for her to come home to cook his tea as her 'birthday meal.' The other side of the story is that FIL actually offered to take MIL for a meal on her birthday and she declined. When I asked her why, she said it is impossible to get good food in pubs and it's 'all microwaved.' She told us not to bother buying her a birthday present. I bought her a silky dressing gown but she never mentioned it and when I asked whether she'd liked it, she just said 'yes.' She rolls her eyes about the idea of 'bloody christmas' and has once again refused an invitation to DD1's nativity play because it's at 9.30am and they don't get up until at least 10am (unless to catch a cheap flght to Tenerife three times a year I can't help musing).
I find her so negative and miserable and don't know what to do with her anymore. We are renovating our house at the moment and have moved out of it with the children. The renovation is almost complete but we needed to do some painting at the weekend and she agreed to come and sit with the kids for two hours (one of them was asleep). When I got home she said 'If you ever renovate another house, I'm leaving the country.' This two hours babysitting was the only help she's given during the renovation.
I'm torn between feelign sorry for her and feeling like I want to shake her. I resent their lack of interest. I wonder why she's so miserable. I'd like to help but I have two small kids and find them draining so I have no energy left to give. The thought of spending time with her makes me feel miserable. She's like a 'mood hoover.'
I think she needs help but I'm not sure I can give it. What can I suggest? Does she sound depressed? Or just inclined towards being miserable?
What can I do?