I utterly adore dp some of the time, seriously consider leaving at others

[CuteButInconsistent]

I've been with dp for about 2 years now, we are engaged and plan to start ttc early next year. Most of the time I'm happy and feel so lucky to have found someone so right for me, but then i have prolonged periods (up to a week) where his faults (oblivious, low standards, shouty, can't control temper, less than sparkling social skills) become so huge it almost makes me sick and I feel desperate (as in trapped now and have to make the best of it, no way out etc). Then it passes and I see all the good things (kind, thoughtful, looks after me and our home, funny, loving, sexually combatible etc). Then I feel so grateful to have him and truly, deeply happy. Is this normal? I'm going through a point of not being able to bear things at the moment and it's such a horrible place to be. And I'm scared after we get married the bad bits might get longer... argh! Does anyone else feel this way? I am quite intense so tend to feel whatever I'm feeling pretty strongly; I was also single for a long time before meeting him and lived alone so maybe less tolerant than I should be. Sorry this is so long - just want to feel one way and stick to it!

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but is this week where you find him insufferable hormone-related?

Very good point - I almost mentioned in my op that I'm pmsing at the mo and it definitely has been a factor at least one other time. I can't remember if it's a factor every time but will keep an eye on it. Is a bit strange to totally change my tune like this every time I'm due on (if that is what's happening, seems like it!) but at least if I can find a pattern I know it will pass. Thanks and not taking offense at all. Is there anything you can take to stop being a monster at time of month? I really hate this! Know it's a tiny prob compared to others on here so thanks for taking time to respond

I think you need a chat about the temper and shouting.
These things become HUGE issues once dc arrive and you cannot be so accomodating.
Yes, in my experience those bad bits do last longer once you have more pressures (with children, finances, housework, childcare).

I simply would not get married now to someone that can be so aggressive - I did of course and was extremely miserable for many years. It's very confusing because it's not all bad of course - when it was, it was dreadful, when it wasn't, I thought I was imagining it.
I wasn't of course - I just had my head in the sand trying to work out how I could cope. Eventually we went the therapy route (several years each worth), and things are much better now.

Think seriously before you get married.

what does he do when he is oblivious, shout, and can't control his temper?

*shouty

Do look at the pattern, as PMS seems to intensify our feelings, it doesn't mean the issues aren't real just that the tolerance threshold is lower.I would however not ignore those feelings as I think it's nature's way of highlighting problems that might need addressing.

Inability to control his temper is a pretty big issue and after 2 years you are now in the 'reality' phase so it's likely to remain similar (or indeed get worse).

Do listen to your inner voice..write your thoughts down and revisit them regularly, your instincts might be warning you of troubles ahead. If he is prepared to work on his temper then that is positive, if he disregards it then I would be very cautious.

in his previous relationship (of 16 years) shouting was commonplace; ditto his childhood. I've told him it's not at all acceptable to me and he does try; I am worried it will get worse when dc come along though. On two occasions it's been very bad - him shouting at me over and over (once I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him) but they were both linked to him drinking and he's agreed not to drink like that again and hasn't since. The last incident was fairly recent and definitely not linked to pms on my part. By oblivious I mean he doesn't think things through and work on himself in the way I would; things that are obvious to me (about the right way to behave/conduct yourself etc) aren't to him, it's like there's this wall and he needs everything explained (once i've done that he does get better though, and not just for a short time - he's not a bad person). It doesn't help that he has only one close friend (he is good at work but not that easy socially and very private so can't open up and form intimate friendships w/people - might just be a male thing though?); I think if he was closer to more people he'd know that the way he acts sometimes just isn't on for adults, I've told him it's like emotional incontinence: a real turn off. It honestly is very good in other respects though: blissful more often than not. That's what makes me feel so desperate when these issues come up - I don't want to lose him really but if it gets worse there's no way I'm putting up with it (been single before and will again; might be my last chance to have dc though)

I suppose I'm trying to work out how much you should compromise in a RL - I know you have to make some and I'm obv not perfect myself! Sorry so long, thanks for responses

The last incident was fairly recent and definitely not linked to pms on my part.

Is this one of the two drink-related events that frightened you, or another incident? If the latter, what happened?

I'm concerned by a lot of things in your post frankly. Particularly the family history of verbal abuse, and the fact that the drink-related abuse that severely frightened you happened not just once but twice.

Does not sound like a relationship sound enough to take to marriage at this stage, certainly.

amvt - thanks so much - know what you mean, when dreadful it's absolutely horrible and I want to run out of the house I just can't stand it (he doesn't leave me alone when like that either, hence having to lock self in bathroom). It's only that bad about 5% of time though but when it happened second time (not as bad as first, but still!) it starts to get stuck in the back of your mind and spoil the rest of it. He does love me though and would go to councelling I'm sure; not come to that yet but if things got worse when dc etc come along. Hope that makes sense! Glad things are better for you now; no one's perfect, the main thing is he loves you enough to try!

I think you will find it hard ot imagine how difficult things can be once dc arrive.
And from your last post there are just too many 'red flags' for me at least (knowing what I do now). If he has had a tough childhood, he simply will not know how to treat others differently (my dh's experience).
I suppose what you have to think of is how you would feel when the father of your children is verbally abusing them (because that's what shouting is). Or how you would feel when you both suddenly realise you have big parenting differences (i.e. he might think slapping is fine and you don't). Or how you would feel when you are the one going to all the parent things on your own because your OH can't cope with the social aspect. Or how you would feel when things are tight financially and you have to ask for money because you are on unpaid ML. Or how you would feel when you see other families having loads of fun and messing around and you know that if your OH was there he would be stressed and loosing his temper with the los.

This is when you realise that the 'compromises' you have made are actually negatively affecting your dc - who actually have no choice in the matter (in my case affecting them to the extent where they need outside support).

btw - part of keeping my head in the sand was telling myself over and over how 'difficult' I was. Once I copped on that actually it was his choice to shout and loose his temper (i.e. I stopped taking the blame) things started to get solved.
You can't change anyone, they have to understand and want to make changes themselves.

puppy - it was a few weeks ago and just him shouting at me about same thing over and over - yes one of the two drink-related incidents - didn't frighten me really just want him to shut up so much and feel desperate that I (who consider myself fairly emotionally enlighted - I work on myself) am with someone who is still so basic on this score - it's like a two y/o having a tantrum, have some self control! I find it awful, just awful. It makes my respect for him drop though the floor.

You find it awful because it is awful. No-one should be treated like that.

thanks amvt lots of food for thought there; does make me feel I am doing him down a bit as he doesn't pretty much all the housework and we have discussed finances together and he is very committed and unselfish with help and funds plus would never hit a child (it happened to both of us growing up and he's even run a charity campaign against that). Know you were only throwing out egs and there'll be other things; only fair to list a few of his good points though (he is fairly mellow a lot of the time, just struggles to deal with conflict without flipping). It's like someone's only just told him this isn't ok though, so hard habit to break but he is trying...

If these things annoy you enough to post here, I think you need to have a long hard think before TTC. Children are hugely stressful.
I could list all DHs faults and he could list mine, but there would be no point because we'd rather be together despite our imperfections rather than apart and have been for over 20 years.
Remember you cannot change people and very few people choose to change themselves. Please only have a child by your partner if you are sure you cam accept him as he is.

thanks startail really good advice - will think long and hard before next step

I would say:

1. Assume he won't change much from how he is now

2. Work out if you can handle that long term, let alone bring a child into the mix.

For what it's worth, I had a child with someone like that and I deeply regret doing so. I don't think things should be 100% perfect before agreeing to ttc with someone, but I do think there should be an absence of the kind of problems you are listing, and I would be intensely wary if I was in your situation.
Having children is the most stressful thing I have ever done. And I only have 1. And he's a sweetheart. If your DP doesn't handle stress well, then bloody look out.

It's at least possible that you are in denial when things seem okay, and the moments when you feel revulsion and trappedness are when your inner voice is trying to scream at you. If it didn't keep periodically happening, I'd be more inclined to say take the rough with the smooth. A pattern of 'seriously considering leaving' isn't normal really and it says something which you shouldn't ignore.

You have to assume that the way he is now is the way he's going to be for the rest of his life. He might change, of course, but he might not, so you have to work on the assumption that he won't. To be honest from your posts it sounds like you expect him to be quite a bit different from how he is. You find him emotionally immature and socially inept which are two huge things IMO. It's not fair to him to marry him expecting him to be different - imagine if he came along to you and said "I want to marry you but only if you are more sexy and don't talk so much." You'd tell him where to shove it and rightly so. In your eyes his faults are things he needs to change and you may be right but it's not your job to change him and frankly he shouldn't feel that anyone wants him to be different. If you can't accept him for exactly how he is then you'll have to let him go and find someone who suits you better.

it's a sad, sad world when other women attempt to convince you that your problems with your shit of a partner are due to your hormone swings

fuck that

OP, when I rub my crystal ball it tells me that this relationship is a bit shit now...but it will get much, much worse once you commit yourself to the vulnerability of having a baby

I have tried to be open minded reading this and I too think there are too many red flags here. I think it is very very rare for people to 'improve over time' in these sorts of situations. They tend to stay the same or get worse. It is a luxury to be able to get out of a potentially bad relationship before you have children together (when splitting up becomes hugely complicated) so its definitely worthy of some serious consideration. Good luck.

If you've got very serious doubts about your relationship at what is supposed to be the doey-eyed romantic bit before you marry and have kids, I think you'd be mad not to listen to them.

Stuff goes wrong in many marriages and none of us can guarantee the future, but as a minimum at least you would want to know that at the point you got married and had kids, you really believed in what you had.

I have had Relate counselling on my own before in a similar serious situation which I then ended. It was massively helpful to me. Could you go a have a few sessions of something similar, just to gauge what you are actually feeling here?

PS you could also try reading a really excellent book called 'Too good to stay, too bad to leave' by a woman called Mira Kirshenbaum. All about the ambivalence you describe.

Basically, of course it is normal to get pissed off with your partner sometimes, but going through an ongoing cycle of whether our relationship is right isn't normal - it is exhausting. I've been there! and it is so different being with someone where I don't question it constantly.

He won't change, marriage and having children won't make things better. Having a baby puts pressure on a relationship, shakes it to the very foundations, it doesn't cement it.