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Original poster

Would you be pissed off?

29 replies

AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 13:06

DP works a late shift some nights and on a few occasions has dropped one of the girls he works with home. It isn't on his way home, she lives in the opposite direction to us (normally he would get funny about going out of his way) and it seems to be becoming a regular thing, as in whenever they're on the same shift. I get they finish late (12/12:30 am depending on how busy it is) but before he started working there she would just get a cab.
Last weekend I stayed out and he didn't let me know he'd got home ok until about 1:15, normally he would be home by about 12:30, turns out he had taken her home. After this occasion I told him that it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable, as a one-off ok fine, but not every time. He said he didn't really see a problem but would stop doing it anyway if it made me feel like that. We had this conversation a couple of times and I really thought we had understood each others feelings.
So last night he doesn't get home until 1:10am (bearing in mind he works 5 minutes drive away) he walked in and had a chat about work, didn't mention anything about her. I then asked how did x feel about you not taking her home? Turns out he had again taken her home and stopped off to get something to eat too!
He said because I seemed more laid back about it the last time we had spoken about it he thought I would be ok with it, he then said he knew I would have the hump but not this bad. It seems he feels more worried about what she will think of him by suddenly not taking her home than actually caring about what i'm saying to him. It's like he feels some kind of responsibility for her.
How would you feel about it?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/11/2011 13:10

I would honestly say he is likely upto no good. Sorry, I know you dont want to hear that :( .

Do you drive? Is it possible you can tell him you need the car, and you will pick him up from work? Or if it is only five minutes drive, then it is presumably only about 15 minutes walk.. make him walk.

IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 13:11

BIG RED FLAGS

ginmakesitallok · 13/11/2011 13:11

I wouldn't have said he couldn't take her home in the first place - why is it a problem? What makes you uncomfortable?

TooEasilyTempted · 13/11/2011 13:15

You obviously don't trust him. If the colleague was a man would you be bothered? Has he got form? If the answer to both questions is no then you need to relax about it.

Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 13:27

No, I don't drive and wouldn't have the excuse anyway where it's so late and have DS.
When he said he'd dropped her home the first time, I was fine then it happened again. I got uncomfortable because he done it while I was away and didn't let me know he was home until 1:15. If he finished work at 12:30 and only lives 5 minutes up the road, even if he took her home that would add an extra 10 minutes or so to the journey. (I sound so paranoid I know)
I could understand if she was having to wait for the bus or whatever but she gets a cab normally.
When I mentioned this to someone in rl they said but that's his character, he would be nice and offer the lift, I know this, which is why I didn't have a problem with it until the night I wasn't here.
Im more pissed off that after we had spoken about it he did it again. I told him I didn't want it to be a regular thing and if she didn't expect the lift in the first place there would be no awkward moment at the end of the night.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 13:29

If it was a male, I would probably be more relaxed tbh, but would still expect him home not long after finishing time. It was more the fact that it probably shouldn't take as long to get back. No he doesn't have previous form.

OP posts:
SucksToBeMe · 13/11/2011 13:33

Doesn't look good i'm afraid.

susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 13:37

the lack thought for my feelings would piss me off more than any suspicion of an affair going on, as adults you had a reasonable discussion about it he made all the right noises about your concerns and then just went and done the exact opposite anyway, that is what would upset me more, having said that, when he stopped and got food did they eat it at her house or did he bring it home and eat it? if he sat in hers and ate it together i would be a bit Hmm

ginmakesitallok · 13/11/2011 13:37

I think the red flags are more around your need for him to "check in" when he gets home - if you trust him then there wouldn't be a problem. You obviously don't. You do sound paranoid to me.

IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 13:38

I should have said BIG RED FLAGS because from what you say about the timings, he's not just taking her home and dropping her at her front door, if he was just doing that, he'd be home sooner. Also, you had discussed it with him and you had both agreed that he wouldn't give her a lift again - but then he did. ???
It's a really difficult situation to handle - it could all be perfectly innocent, I hope it works out OK for you.

pictish · 13/11/2011 13:38

I think you're being controlling.
It's not up to you who he chooses to give a life home to...why do you think it is? Maybe they get on well and have a laugh? So what?

There is nothing to suggest anything untoward is going on here at all.

pictish · 13/11/2011 13:39

lift

teenswhodhavethem · 13/11/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

usualsuspect · 13/11/2011 13:45

I wouldn't be bothered if my dp gave a woman a lift home

pictish · 13/11/2011 13:47

If anything, I'd be pleased that my dh is a gentleman.

Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 13:51

No they got food on the way home, he didn't eat there. The thing is he's only been there a few weeks, maybe 2 shifts a week (an extra job) he doesn't work with her all the time and has only taken her home about 3 times including the once after I had said about it.
We have a good relationship normally. I think I am probably blowing it more out of proportion than I normally would because of having already discussed it with him, maybe it was silly to ask him not to drop her home again, I don't know. The more I think of it, it does sound like I am being paranoid. I guess I'm kind of thinking what if..? and then let my mind run away with it!
Thank you all for your responses.

OP posts:
RedHotPokers · 13/11/2011 13:53

It boils down to whether you think he is trustworthy or not.

Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 13:53

I think I will just have to swallow it for now and see what happens next.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/11/2011 13:55

No harm done OP, so long as you recognise this is your issue and you don't insist on making it his.
He's being a nice guy to save her the cab fare and the hassle of getting home so late at night.
Well done that man.

AWimbaWay · 13/11/2011 13:57

I think he's just doing a work colleague a favour. Very much doubt there's any more to it. Having said that it'd annoy me too and he should put your feelings before hers.

IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 13:57

If it's only 3 times, then I think you are probably worrying too much (I was under the impression that it was much more than that because you said it had become a regular thing).

Maybe talk to your DP about it, and maybe say you feel a bit silly for asking him not to drop her off - but perhaps save this discussion for some time other than when he's just got home late!

Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 14:00

Tbh I don't really know what I suspect him of doing, it hasn't really been long enough for him to have started something iykwim.
So what do I do now? If I have blown it all out of proportion and just made a huge tit of myself how do I make it better?

OP posts:
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 14:06

If it were me, I would say to DP (at a calm quiet time) -
"DP, I think I have blown this out of all proportion and made a huge tit of myself, how do I make it better?"
And, no, I'm not taking the piss, that is what I would say :)

Original poster
AmIjustMad · 13/11/2011 14:27

Thank you all for your responses. I think it is more to do with having voiced my concerns (rightly or not), he agreed, I thought the issue was over with and then he went back on it.
I am quite prepared to realise I have issues if this is nothing to worry about at all. Although I don't think I can let my guard down completely just yet, I will try and smooth things over for now and see what happens next.

OP posts:
Neuromantic · 13/11/2011 16:04

She's not getting much if he's having an affair. They finish work at 12.30, he lives 5 mins away but taking her takes at least another 10 mins, and he's home by 1.15am? So he's spending all of 20 mins max with her not driving.

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