Hi Twinkie, sorry I have only just seen this. I have a short-term job working from home and so I am not on the net as much as usual. But I am checking in at least once daily.
It appears I have not made a great job of this myself what with the problems my daughter is having . But if I can help I will, most likely based on learning from my mistakes I guess.
I know how horrible it is to watch a child you swore you would never allow to be hurt being ripped apart by something over which you have no control. I think if I could go back I would have been more physically demonstrative. I had PND after dd1 was born and I struggled to relate to her. I do give her cuddles and stuff but I have to do it deliberately because I didn't really bond with her when she was a baby. I didn't notice anything different until the others were born and the cuddles came spontaneously with them. Poor dd1 - I feel so guilty about that.
She learned from an early age that she had to deal with things on her own since I was usually emotionally shattered trying to deal with everything her father was doing to me . I never meant for her to end up suffering because of it, but I have to face the fact that she has. That is one of the main reasons I often advise others to get out of abusive relationships sooner rather than later. If you can't get yourself together, you can't give your kids everything they need, no matter how much you try.
Fortunately you are not the same as me, and you are very together, I think. I have only been posting on mumsnet for about 6 months and the difference in your posts in that short time is incredible.
I would say, go on explaining and explaining that you want her to be with you and that if you could you would do it right now. It may not be that she doesn't understand what you are saying, but that she wants to hear those words again and again as something she can hang on to.
I am disappointed in your CAFCASS people. The one I had was brilliant, really thorough and caring. But it is all down to the individual I guess.
I now take dd1 to the child and family clinic (NHS) where we are trying to help her lose her demons. It might be worth your seeing if you can be referred to yours because they will advise you without dd being there. They will have all different kinds of doctors and child specialists available to get you the right kind of advice. They will have seen it all before so their advice is definitely worth having.
At the end of the day, what a 3 year old is going to remember is how warm she felt wrapped in mummy's arms, and how safe she felt being loved by you. With any luck those memories will overshadow the rest when she is older.
I have to give myself a big kick up the bum sometimes and remind myself that everything I do with my kids is creating memories for them.
I'm really looking forward to meeting you at the Xmas meet-up, Twinkie. You are one of the people on here that I really feel I relate to.
If you think I can be of any use to you, ever, don't hesitate to email me direct.