Confused

[TravellerForEver]

Been with H for 14 years and we have 2 dcs, 7&8yo.
H has been very difficult to leave with more or less since dc1 was born but getting worse with dc2.

About 18 months ago, I told him I had enough and things improved a bit. Then about 6 months ago I said I wanted to get divorced. I backed down straight away, was so scared and frightened that I actually ended ill from it.
But this time H did listen to what I told him, about his total lack of involvement with the dcs and myself. About the fact that he seems to be carrying on living his life as a single man and ressenting anything that requires some involvement in the family life. Not perfect though, far from but at least, life is now bearable. The level of aggressivity has gone down big way and he does try and be involved.

I am lost. 6 months ago I wanted to get out. And by any standard I had good reasons to do it.
Now it's like most of my reasons to do so have gone but I am still not happy. Trust seems to have disappeared completely (ie I do not expect anything from him, from doing some much needed repairs in the house down to be happy to take the dcs to the park).
Communication, as real communication not just superficial stuff, doesn't happen and I don't feel any emotional connexion with him.
But he did what I asked him to do. He did change and tried his best.
So what sort of excuse do I have to break it all up? I am torn between wanting to try for some more and cling to the fact that he is trying and things are getting better and the fact that by being on my own, I would be able to live my life in a different way, a way that would be closer to my (spiritual) beliefs.
On the top of it I am still very scared to leave. Not quite sure why but very scared to end up the relationship and for that to be a real mess.

Should I give him some more time? 6 months more isn't that much compare to the last 7 years when I've tried to make it work. The situation for the dcs is acceptable (which wasn't the case before). Apart from my own feeling of being trapped somewhere where I don't want to be. And can any feelings of love be brought back to life? I do care for him, as I would with someone close. Not as a partner.

Would going to counselling for both of you, and maybe just you alone make any difference perhaps.

I think sometimes, once it has gone, its gone, and nothing can bring that spark back.. but equally it can be repaired sometimes.

Sorry, I know thats a bit of a wishy washy reply and hopefully others can come along with something more constructive.

He's obviously hurt you a great deal and destroyed a very large part of your love for him in the process.

Historic abuse is a much grounds for divorce as present/continuing abuse but, in any event, divorce can be sought on the the basis of no fault on either side.

I would suggest that you book some joint counselling sessions with an organisation such as Relate so that you will free to articulate how you feel in a neutral environment and explore whether your relationship can be put onto a better footing or should come to an end.

Sometimes relationships simply run their course or we may outgrow them. It's sad when this happens but life is far too short to waste time on relationships that bring us little joy or satisfaction or which fail to nourish our inner - or spirtual - being.

Yes I have been very very hurt by his attitude. I've had counselling on my own and it helped a lot with the pain & anger. The good thing is that she actually validated my feelings of hurt and the reasons for it which was very important to me as I had started doubting myself big way.

I would be up for joint counselling but I am not sure that H would be. He .would need to actually speak & say what he really thinks, something he has never done.

Sometimes I have this feeling that I am trying to mould him into something he isn't. That he is doing it because of his own fear to end the marriage.
And then I remember that none of what I am asking is abnormal (like stopping putting his dc down or talking to me).
But it feels like I am the mum of another child that I am trying to bring up. I don't want to be his mum. I wanted a partner.

If he values you, and wants to save his relationship he will have to go.

My husband had major issues with bottling his worries up, and would just go into his own shell. It was partly the reason we split up a few years ago, because I felt we just couldnt communicate.

I left him, after many many arguments... and he realised if he wanted us to get back together he had to do something.. he had counselling, it worked. It wasnt instant, but there was a vast improvement almost straight away, and we did get back together once I knew he was serious about sorting things out. That was 6 years ago, and he really is a much different person now. He talks to me, he tells me if something is worrying him, and he doesnt avoid confrontation if we are disagreeing on something like he used to do, which drove me insane.

squeaky, when you split did you do so because living like this wasn't worth it or because you had stopped loving him?

I am not even sure I still have feelings for him. I don't know.

I thought I had stopped loving him. I had certainly stopped liking him. I thought being away from him would be better, but really it wasnt. I missed him like hell, but I also didnt want to go back and nothing have changed either.

Being apart did us both a lot of good. BUT we didnt have young children to involve, and I appreciate that makes a big difference and it is unfair to mess them around too.

hummm food for thought.

I don't miss him when he is away but then he used to be away for work & hobbies a lot so I did get used to look after dcs on my own. Looking after them now is feeling like a doodle compared to when they were 1&2 yo. And there is no little communication between us that there is no much more difference between him being here or not.
God I am not painting a good picture am I?