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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really thought he was a true gent and then..........

16 replies

jaie · 12/11/2011 20:04

After being on my own for years, I decided to try internet dating as I dont often go out, I dont like to ask for help with childcare. Eventually I met a guy who virtually swept me off my feet but like most things it was too good to be true and I came crashing down to earth with a thud. He was in a previous relationship for 24yrs and his ex slept with another man, which totally crushed him. The mistake I made was to get involved with a man fresh out of a long term relationship who had been hurt, by the time we met he had only split from her 6months, admittidley I stayed with him for 14months but because I really warmed to him I found it hard to get rid, but I found the strength to in the end. He was totally possessive, sulky, untrusting in me as he would often accuse me of things, he totally did not like the idea of me texting friends or paying anyone else attention, he even stropped if I paid my 11yr old daughter more attention, his behaviour got too much for me. It was frustrating because he had such a kind, loving, caring side to him. unbelievably my family seem to think Ive been too harsh and are making me feel as though hes the bloody victim. I'd rather be on my own than have him back. I do often think of him and I always come to the same conclusion, there are more cons than pros, and I definetely would not want him back. unfortunately he had childhood issues with his mother and did not have a very good relationship with her, I did urge him to have counselling as a condition of us getting back together the last time we had a bust up- he promised he would go for counselling and begged me not to leave and help him. In the end I chose to go as I could never live or continue a relationship with him, any ideas about this??

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 12/11/2011 20:07

What are you asking?

You did the right things - he may or may not sort himself out but your family clearly don't know the full picture

Well done for getting out the relationship

pictish · 12/11/2011 20:13

You did absolutely the right thing. Nothing is worth giving over to a man who holds you to emotional ransom over his past issues. He sounds bloody awful if the truth be told. Nice bodyswerving missus!

MitziKinsky · 12/11/2011 20:13

I think you did the right thing.

Well done for getting out.

I hope you find Mr Right one day.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 12/11/2011 20:41

he even stropped if I paid my 11yr old daughter more attention

The only ideas I've got are that, if your dd witnessed his strops, you should pay her a lot more attention and talk to her about what constitutes a loving, caring, adult relationship and what she should be hoping for and looking for when she comes to have boyfriends of her own.

My final idea is that, given that your family are appalling judges of character and easily fooled, you should avoid listening to anything they say about the controlling and abusive twunt you had the misfortune to become involved with.

Thankfully, he's history. Chalk it up to another lesson learned and thank your lucky stars that it didn't come at too much of a price.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/11/2011 20:42

Your family don't have to live with him, do they?

FWIW my XH is quite likely to tell any woman he gets involved with (though he's probably a bit too old and weird to date again now) exactly the same story that your ex did, married 24 years, wife slept with another man, crushed, untrusting, issues, the lot. Only it isn't true. Wife left him because he was a moody fecker who was always accusing her of stuff (and who had a morbid attachment to household garbage, but that's another story). XH has a warm loving side to him as well, loves small children and animals etc, but really, there's a bit more to long term relationships than that.

issey6cats · 12/11/2011 23:12

or in my case told me same story ie caught his ex in bed with someone else, totally convincing that one, swept me off my feet, when it was too late to back out found out he was still living with his ex when he was courting me, she found out and threw him out, (long distance relationship,) and eight years down the line was spinning the same tale about me to other women while still living (i thought happily) with me, he is now not only her ex but my ex aswell, leopards dont change thier spots

jaie · 18/11/2011 23:11

Hi guys thanks so much fo replying, its great to have the support. I lack cofidence so much and that must be the case as I stuck it out with him so long. My problem was I was alone for so long that I was taken in by his lovely side and stuck it out hoping he would change- in fact I wanted that so much because to me he was prince charming but I guess thats exactly how they get you hooked in the first place. that will not happen again. I remeber last christmas, I'd only know him, 4months by then, he made a fuss because I didnt invite him to my parents, it didnt feel right as I hadnt known him long, but in the end I took him along from the guilt he made me feel. Then when we left to go back home he made such a fuss because I was helping my mum in the kitchen and hadnt sat chained to his hip all night. And just to think I was considering to move in with him - now all I know is hell would have to freeze first xx

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buzzswellington · 18/11/2011 23:25

What you had there was an emotional abuser and manipulator. Well done on dumping his arse. That was brilliant.

A prick who is jealous of your relationship with your daughter is one you are so well rid of. What sort of man is that? An utter shit, I say, who would've damaged your child and tried to turn you into a mother afraid to show her child love.

Revel in your freedom and don't let your family erode your confidence. You did right.

jasper · 18/11/2011 23:57

well done . So hard to give up all the good stuff (I am sure there was lots) in light of all the shite.

Really, respect to you

springydaffs · 19/11/2011 02:31

Just a thought: your family seem a bit clueless - to put it mildly - and you say you lack confidence 'so much' - do you think the two are connected? They don't seem to have noticed how worrying his behaviour was, even when they saw it for themselves - doesn't sound like they know how to want the best for you.

It's an old saw but do you think you could do with some counselling? Something isn't so bad because you had enough nous to recognise a bad lot when it was paraded in front of you but something isn't right, which you recognise re staying with him a long time. You seem quite scattered which is why I have suggested counselling. Have you tried it before? It's a good way to work out what's going on iyswim. It sounds like you're trying to cover over a gap and you may have some depths to plumb before you're steady enough to enjoy a healthy relationship.

jaie · 19/11/2011 08:51

Yes Sprinydaffs I have considered counselling and I think I may go for it. It may well go far back for me. I love my family dearly but to be honest Ive seen alot of them but up with absolute crap from their partners and to be honest I did put up with alot of shit from my daughters dad. But with this guy I put a stop to it,although it went on for over a year. Where my family are concerned they only know of his good side as I did not enlighten them with too much of the negatives. They saw how well he treated me and my daughter but behind the closed door is what they did not know too much about. Although I did tell my cousin about his possessiveness and she replied I wish I had a man be possessive over me but to be honest she has not been in a relationship for years so her vision is a little dillusional.

I so want to be in a relationship but just getting on with my life. Some of these men are bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are there any out there with few or no issues????

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ameliagrey · 19/11/2011 10:15

There are plenty of decent men out there- but if you are needy you may end up attracting the wrong type.

why not try to build up a wider social circle - old advice of joining clubs etc etc- and meeting new people, rather than looking for a partner. That way you can meet people with common interests and get to know them first before it becomes " romantic".

lazarusb · 19/11/2011 12:26

Your cousin is wrong - being wanted and desired is one thing, having a man being possessive over you is another - especially when that extends to your relationship with your child.
Clearly you have learnt lessons in the past. It is nice to be treated well and although that clouded your judgement for a little while, you kicked him into touch in the end. 14 months is not years....
Why not tell your family about how he really was if they are that bothered? You deserved better, you recognised that. Give yourself a break and congratulate yourself on being strong, decisive and a good parent! Smile

jaie · 19/11/2011 18:04

lazarusb to be honest my family just see the fact that he did alot as the best thing ever, I wouldnt even bother going into anymore detail as regardless of what they say or think I'm not taking him back. Ameliagrey thanks for your thoughts much appreciated, I will admit I lack confidence but as for needy I can honestly say he was the totally needy one- we would always argue or if I said something he didnt like he would not get in touch for days then come back as if nothing was wrong and yes although I did take him back I never chased him etc, must admit I did twice in the beginning, but after that I left him to it as I got totally fed up with his tantrums. We did have such great times, but for every good time the bad was ten times harsher. Oh well now his ass is to the curb

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lazarusb · 20/11/2011 13:17

I just don't think your family should be putting you down - especially as he was such an unpleasant person. Good for you for staying away though.

jaie · 20/11/2011 14:52

thanks lazarusb, and to everyone who has given their thoughts and feelings on this, it truly has helped xx

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