made a decision,now i need advice before i act on it

[cheesesarnie]

finally got past the 'for the children' wobble thats been going on in my head for years.realised lifes too short.im not happy,dh cant possibly be happy and im sure dc cant be-infact ds1 is being referred to child psychologist again this time due to sadness amongst other things.maybe not totally due to mine and dh relationship but surely not unrelated.
anyway.what i need to know is im a student,dont work and privetly rent.how will i cope financially?would i have to quit course and find work?can i stay living here?how do i pay rent?pay to feed dc etc?
can he say i cant keep the dc?hes a complete twunt but theres never been physical violence so do i have the right to say,im leaving/piss off im keeping the dc?
im sure ive got thousands more questions but cant think.
i had one day of enormous relief at 'waking up' and coming to decision.now a few days of feeling utterly miserable!

I saw your post and although I can't give you exact details of how you'll do it, I know that its possible .

I have a friend who is a single parent to 2 boys. She has no contact or financial help from the childrens father and no family nearby but she privately rents a nice 3 bed house for the 3 of them and has just started a degree course this year.

Its not a doddle but she does it, and her children are a credit to her (as I'm sure yours will be to you).

I just wanted you to know that its possible.

Good luck and stay strong

You can get your rent paid for by the council via HB, if you have children above aged 8 you will have to be available to work, so being a student might not be an option.

Oh and the rent agreement has to be in your name only.

thanks both.is this the sort of questions CAB would be able to help with?
dc are 11,10 and 5.
will find out about rent agreement.

It's changing to age 5 shortly.

You could still be a student. A bursary? Student loan?

How old are dc? Who is main carer? You, I assume, so they can remain with you

course is paid for and its only till july although was hoping to go to uni afterwards(although putting that off seems like the most ideal option atm),its an access course so dont think i'll get any help to support us whilst studying.
dc are 11,10 and 5.im main carer.

mind you fuck the course.if i have to quit and do whatever shitty job,maybe i should.

I hate to be the one to sound a discouraging note to anyone who is trying to leave an abusive twunt. However you should be aware that you don't have the right to say you're "keeping" the DC if both of you have parental responsibility. If you are the main carer you are very likely to get main residence. However the system - in England and Wales at least - is geared to keeping both parents in their children's lives so unless their father is recognised as actively bad for them he can reasonably expect generous access provisions (some say it's one weekday plus every other weekend?).

From 10 years old, I think it is, the DCs get increasing say over where they prefer to live and how often they would like to see each parent. By the sound of it this will work better for you than for soon-to-be-exH!

The good news is that he can't say "you're the one who wants to leave, ok, but you have to leave everything including the DCs". Many a twunt we have heard about on here (including my XH) has tried that line. It isn't true.

Get legal advice for your particular circumstances, though, before you lift a finger. CAB should be able to help. They have extensive advice online too.

thanks annie.this is what i mean,im clueless.its a huge decision.this is what i mean,i cant even imagine not having dc with me but then i dont suppose he can either.how do you bloody do it!survive i mean?do i really want to 'ruin' everything or should i just do the old 'ive made my bed i should lay in it or whatever

will look at website,didnt realise they had online advice.

No, if you made your bed (or your life) all lumpy you re-make it differently. Actually you didn't make your bed wrong, your H messed it up, so you definitely don't have to lie in it. What you do have to do is research bedmaking carefully so it comes smoother next time. Er, think I've pushed this analogy about as far as it can possibly go.

At your DCs' ages they'll realistically start spending time at mates' houses, on sleepovers, overnight school trips, camps and the like anyway so they won't be with you 24/7 forever even if you don't leave their dad. It will help their independence. Eventually you may even value a couple of child-free days a fortnight! Maybe your ex won't want them overnight so you'll only wave them off for the day. These are things that need to be worked out.

It's scary. I'm the laziest, most avoidant person you could meet and I do love my DCs, but I did it and we're all the better for it. Takes time, takes work, but the end result is PEACE so it is worth all the investment.

thankyou!loving the bed analogy-you did well!
had a look at website.quite useful,especially in regards to renting.

Hi, I got some advice from the council about housing when I was contemplating separation. The government site also has a benefits checker so you can put in figures based on various scenarios and come out with an amount of income which may help you decide on your course of action for the next couple of years.
Sending good wishes.

Yes, go and see the CAB -some have drop-ins, some request that you make an appt. so check beforehand but they can advise and point you in the direction of where to go for various benefits, help and support.

Also, have your college got any student welfare or support people that could help you?

i dont think they have croissant-its only an access course.

think our cab is appointment only

Definitely get an appt. with the CAB then as soon as you can.

Another friend of mine has recently split with her husband of 18 years and she said the CAB were brilliant, non-judgemental and very helpful. They will also help you with the form filling-in if you are struggling.

If you have Family Mediation available in your area they will help the two of you discuss reasonable access etc. I think also help you discuss maintenance.

Remember there is always part time study or the Open University if you have to work.

thanks.where do i find out about family mediation?

www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/ looks promising...

thanks annie.im not feeling quite as sure of myself now!whole point in doing my course was to be able to get a better,well paid job with better qualifications.what if i cant finish it.do i wait till i finish before tearing apart family?do i just spend another 11 years putting up?so fricking hard.

CAB should be able to point you towards family mediation. If you have a local children's centre they often have posters, lealfets about it.

If you are doing an access course, it'll be another 3/4 years before you are qualified right? Can you live like this that long? Only you can make the decision but it sounds like its really affecting you and possibly contributing to your ds's problems. You have a right to be happy.

Have you thought about Relate? Think they can help people split up amicabley if the relationship can't be saved.

BTW I did an OU degree (pre dc) but there were plenty of other students with children. It takes longer but I would actual recommend it over my brick university experience as I met a lot of interesting students and tutors who actually really wanted to be there. Depending on your field an employer may take you on while you are studying for a paycut.

Even though your course is only an access course there should be some student support services available. Do talk to your tutor (if they have been teaching anytime yours will not be the first similar story). There maybe hardship funds and other help available.

thankyou both.OU is an option after this.the access course is only until july,then was hoping to go onto uni,but OU sounds like good idea.will look into it.will phone CAB tomorrow to make an appointment.
not sure if theres a relate in this area but will look into it.he doesnt really 'do' talking which is probably a large part of our problem,theres no arguements just silence or bitchy comments.

think CAB will have answers to the student thing.benefit finder thing was bit hazy on whether you can claim income support if you are a student.so thats a question to ask.

youre all so blardy helpful and lovely.i heart mn but dont tell anyone

Did you manage to get an appt with CAB or find out any more?

not managed to make an appointment yet but did speak to someone about income support and being a student.apparently its all changing as of next year and students arent able to get it? need to find out more and make that appointment.
thankyou for asking