A bit down

[Bluebelle38]

Well, after meeting a guy through a forum (not internet dating) and chatting for months we finally met up... it was pretty whirlwind for me.

I totally fancied him, thought he fancied me but am not so sure now.

He isn't sure if we should be trying to be a couple as despite the great conversations, sex etc, he says he is not feeling the spark yet and wants to proceed cautiously and not jump in head first for once.

He said he wants to take it slow and see if we still want to meet up in the next few weeks.

This has thrown me.... I know I can be forward but I thought I was pulling back - I obviouslyu wasn't.

He is in his 30s and wants kids. I always said I didn't but that is a big part of having had so many bad relationships that I never really considered it seriously. I am at the age where I need to have them very soon if I want them as I am also in my late 30s.

Just wanted to say I am sad, really. I thought he was as bowled over as I was.

His previous girlfriends have been stunning. I just don't feel I cut the mustard and that is why there is no spark as our conversations (that would go on till 6am) have been incredible.

Ho hum... probably best to bail now :(

Maybe leave it a while see what happens, but live your life in the meanwhile....have met men who may have been like this (don't know if thats the case, too soon to tell, not enought info) and they played mind games. I used to think it was me, but some men just get off on it.

I think there are some men who want all the fun and none of the hassle. They don't do relationships really.

Don't be disheartened. It's not you, its him!

maybe he is one who enjoys the chase and then when he gets the 'prize' loses interest.

So you chatted for a while, got together and had sex in a short space of time?

If that is correct it sounds like he is a player. sorry.

But really, we need much more information to make an informed judgement opinion of this bloke.

Thanks for the reply :)

No, I can categorically say he isn't into mind games. I think it is the kids thing. I just wish I had met him 5 years ago, that I was less damaged by other relationships that I didn't automatically presume I'd never have children.

Am going to meet a friend for lunch so will talk it through... I truly felt a serious connection (trust me, I've been around the block a few times to know). He rings every day for long chats, big laughs.... and now this...

I am just feeling shit to be honest. He is an absolute darling. So kind and caring and I fancied the pants off him.

He said out meets (we have met the last 2 weekends) were amazing and he hasn't been so turned on in years... but no spark???

He said while we agree on many things we want in life we disagree on a few biggies (I am presuming children as nothing else has cropped up).

Aaaaaarrrghhhh, what will be will be, but yes, I am feeling shit right now. x

We have both gone through pretty shitty years financially and he has said he'd consider me a really close friend which is mad as we hadn't met - we shared a lot of similar financial worries and leaned on each other before we actually met.

Trust me, not a player - so far from it. My last ex was like that and this fella is displaying none of those signs.

I went to his hometown last weekend and he took me to a family event that was sprung at short notice so he really isn't a player...

bluebelle you have said "I can categorically say he isn't into mind games." Trust me, not a player - so far from it.

Yet he has met up with you, treated you like a girlfriend, taken you to a family event, shagged your brains out and then walked away.

Something just doesnt sound right here.

So what are the 'biggies' that you disagree on?

Thanks JaxTellerIsMyFriend

Well, I met a friend yesterday and had a few too many vinos and sent him some stroppy text messages (very immature I know).

I knew a lot about him through the forum we are both on and he contacted me initially. We didn't meet for a long time (lived a good distance away) but there was a definite meeting of minds... I know he wants a relationship and to be honest I was a bit worried that maybe he was desperate for someone so intitially I didn't meet when he asked.

We did meet at a forum gathering but he had been on a few dates with some 'gorgeous' woman that was playing hot and cold.

I was OK, no problem see how it goes there and then he contacted me again as it obviously didn't work out with her and he had picked up I was interested (afte meeting him I was).

So we meet up and talk the whole night (next day he takes off work) stays another night, organises for me to visit his hometown the following weekend, meet a load of his friends at the event... I had an absolute blast.

I'd catch him looking at me when I was falling asleep or catch him looking at me in a window reflection... all those little things...

Suffice to say he wanted to take it slow and I saw that as a negative thing after everything. We are not young - late 30s as said so it isn't like we don't know how reltionships work.

He said I have such an amazing personality that I am the sort of girl a man would fall in love with and questioned had I always got the men I wanted. Found that a bit odd...

He had also said the intimacy was amazing and he had not been so turned on in years!!

Anyway, in my text strop I told him not to contact me again, that saying he felt no spark was really hurtful. He said he never meant it to be and was shocked and hurt but would respect my wishes.

It pains me to say this, but I think I tick a lot of boxes but am not attractive enough.

The only biggie I can think of is the children question mark. I can't think of anything else that would be considered a biggie at all.

I'll get over it... it just hurts and probably will for a few days.

All my friends knew I'd gone away with him and thought he sounded lovely and this was the start of maybe something... I really don't want to have to fill them all in on the latest now.

:(

Oh meant to add, his email to me was that he despite all the great stuff, chats etc he 'wasn't sure if we are doing the right thing trying to be a couple'. And lets see if we still want to meet up with each other in the coming weeks. Thanks very much.

Feckin ouch.

It's his perogative I know, but I really thought he did fancy/really like me :(

Some men just don't want to commit to a relationship. They want their freedom and none of the 'work' that a relationship entails (in their eyes). he sounds like one of these men. Lick your wounds for a couple of days and then forget him. There will be someone else out there for you!

I'm wondering if his friends said something tbh. It looks like he ran you by his friends - very quick meeting re family and friends - bit strange tbh. Maybe he's looking for The One and expects lightening to flash, fireworks etc !

However, the children q is a bit huge wouldn't you say? If you've told him you don't want children and he does then he obviously doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you - his bio clock is ticking too!

You both sound very wary and quick to take offence iyswim. Understandable, but it may be why you are both firing off really easily? I'd say calm down - but that's easy to say really, much more difficult to do.

I think you should chalk this one up to 'fun while it lasted' and it fizzled out quickly because he discovered that he just wasn't that into you. It happens and when it happens, you haven't got any choice but to take it on the chin and move on.

As you say, you've been around the block a few times and you should know how relationships work.

I would have thought that your experience would have taught you that it's best to take time to get to know someone before deciding that they are 'the one' and making pronouncements to your friends.

You don't want dc so you have no need to rush headlong into a relationship and, at your age, you must know that whenever there's 'romantic' discord there's always a temptation to send stroppy texts after quaffing vino and that, if you succomb, you risk losing your dignity and being seen as desperate.

oh, having read your recent post I am sorry to say that it sounds like he wanted "friends with benefits" (fuckbuddy is such a harsh word) while you wanted a proper bf/gf coupley thing.

He talked a good game and things moved very fast between you both. Maybe you should take things a bit slower next time, get to know each other properly before moving things on sexually.

sounds like he enjoyed the chase, but probably has two or three women on the go

if he was interested in you, he wouldnt be trying to put you off with weak excuses

Thanks guys for the replies. I really appreciate them.

Well, the latest developments... we shared a few fairly full-on emails. I am blocked at the thought of having children because I have never been with a man that I truly thought could be a stable, loving father. He is aware of the circumstances of this now...

He replied he wants to see me again and take things slow, that he is saddened that the men I have been with have treated me the way they have... that he doesn't want to jump in head first as he normally does...

I have pretty much decided I don't want to meet him again and take things slow. He has told me that he normally goes for brunettes, well, not to my face, but it was something he mentioned on the site we are both on before we ever actually met; I am blonde. I also think if he is looking for a relationship it will be with a woman in her early 30s (his exes were all years younger than him and I am a year older than he is).

I think I ticked a good few boxes, but not the biggies and am OK with that.

I also think the last women he has been with have given him the run around and I have been nothing but honest and up-front, no mind games. Perhaps that has made me seem desperate because I didn't make him chase me but at my age I don't see the point.

I don't really think his friends would have said anything bad. We didn't meet for long but had a good chat and laugh. I don't look my age and I am very much the fun, social, confident butterfly... I have a great network of friends, make friends easily and don't feel intimidated with meeting new people (don't mean to give off the impression I am 'all that' - I'm not - but I am a fun person to be around).

I showed his email to me to two close friends who said he is just being cautious, sounds lovely, a sweetheart etc etc, but obviously it comes down to what I think.

I don't want to be his f-buddy while he is on the lookout for someone else, as we 'take it slow'.

Pity really as it has been years since I met someone that seemed so into me and that I actually fancied.

I really don't think he is a bastard. We did have an incredible connection physically and he said he hasn't felt so turned on in years... and I could actually see that he was thoroughly enjoying himself, as was I... but if I don't feel attractive enough against all his ex 'stunners' then I am not putting myself through waiting around for him to have his fun and then run, IYSWIM.

Maybe I am being silly, but any man that is more worried about staying friends if it doesn't work out moreso than whether we should actually get to know each other and see if we should be a 'couple' is a no-brainer to me.

He said by a 'spark' he meant he hasn't seen me as 'OMG I cannot live without this woman' but that to me is ridiculous after a meeting and 2 long weekends, a good few phone calls?

Oh yikes, he just text me hello, what you up to?

Will see what you lovely ladies come back with... I just don't know.

Ultimately it is up to you.

Will you think 'what if' if you dont see him again? He may well be 'the one', sounds like he got cold feet and fled. Taking it slowly is a good thing, diving in head first is all very passionate and nice, but it is infatuation. Love comes later.

Stop measuring yourself against his Ex's - that isnt healthy at all. He likes you for you, not because of the colour of your hair!

Keep talking to each other if that is what you want. Communication between each other will clear up any misunderstanding.

Thank you again, Jax.

I text him this morning to chat and he was driving so said he'd be fine to talk in 10 mins or so and then he rang me. All went well.

Thank you for saying I shouldn't measure myself against his exes. I suppose I was, even though I was trying not to.

He said he'd call me tonight so will see what happens. He has a class till 10pm. We had a nice chat this morning so will see if he does.

Many thanks xxx

I think he was mainly getting cold feet because of your children issue - this subconcsiously would have stopped him thinking "can't live without her" if it conflicts with his desire for kids! Now you clarified it, it can inly improve, he's keeping in touch in a warm manner which is great - he just paniched before, I think. As to not rushing into things, that's great - it means he wants to take it seriously, not rush into and make mistakes like before, so he's making it sound special if anything! Sounds like he's growing up actually, at last..Take it slow as well - no, don't just have sex on a plate for him, but take slowly on your terms (maybe no sex at all for a while until he clears his doubts). Sounds to me all very positive, he's just still slightly immature but it's passing!

yes agree about the sex thing. ^^
Get to know each other a bit better first. Likes, dislikes, go for dates (I know its an old fashioned cliche) but if you can be friends out of the bedroom and create fireworks in it, well who knows what the future holds?

REmember, slowly slowly catchee monkey.

I hope it all goes well.

Just a bit of an update, and thankfully it is good.

He drove down to see me on the way home this weekend. We had a really good chat about what he meant by spark and am glad we cleared that up.

We had a lovely evening and morning and then he had to head off around lunchtime.

I had a bit of family drama today (ongoing that he knows about) and when he rang I mentioned it and he was incredibly supportive.

I am taking on board all advice on here and from friends to slow things down and reel in my usual traits of being a woman who 'loves too much'.

I know for most women it is easy to play it easy and take it slow but it goes against my usual way. In saying that, taking the pressure off and not worrying about what's going on is very liberating.

I'm taking the what will be, will be, approach and yet enjoying it and it is starting to feel a lot more natural and lovely.

I am not doing my usual panic - at least not to the level I did in the past and so far, so good.

He really is just lovely. We laughed all friday eve, Saturday morning and I felt totally relaxed and content.

So, slowly, slowly... all the way.

Thanks for reading :)

glad it went well.