DH furious at me - was I insensitive?

[fifitot]

DH's mother is very old and infirm. She has had a fall and is in hospital. He was talking about it and I was saying how awful it is, getting old and that these days people live a long time but that they get 'decrepit'. I was talking generally, trying to sympathise I thought and meaning decrepit as 'a bit worn out' etc. Anyway he has stormed about saying I am insensitive and shouted at me. Slammed doors etc.

Thing is he is obviously upset, feeling guilty as not there to help but he's been drinking and he can also get aggressive when he is like this. I feel he is scapegoating me because he is annoyed at himself. It maybe wasn't the best word to use but he has missed the whole point of what I am saying.

I should go to bed, leave him to stew. These situations never end well. He's a bit drunk and you can't reason with a drunk. Don't get me wrong he's not violent or abusive but there are times when I think he oversteps the mark. Tonight was one of them.

I dont think you were being insensitive,but if he is a nasty drunk then i would leave it for tonight but i would say tomorrow that you never meant it to be nasty.

Hope your mil gets well soon.

Maybe you didn't use the best of words to decribe her but that isn't the real issue here is it?

Leave him to stew. He's just acted like a big drunken baby. Then have a few stern words with him in the morning.

Yes he can be an angry drunk sometimes. I will go to bed I think. Thanks.

Take care.

Oh and don't let him turn it round on you tomorrow either.

I think you're right that you should leave it for the moment. He has completely over-reacted, and hopefully he'll realise that in the morning.

I think you were a bit insensitive. His Mum is very ill and might still die - I very much doubt he wants to have a discussion on the consequences of improved health care for the elderly!

How aggressive does he get when he's had a drink? Is a slammed door the extent of it, or does it go further?

Turn the heating off on the way up too

Decrepit is horrible word though - try frail next time

Heatings off already!

He has never hit me and I would hesitate to say he was abusive but once in a blue moon he behaves in a way that I find unacceptable. Not sure what triggers it, it's like a switch is flicked and he becomes really angry. He even looks different when he's like it. He was worse when he was younger, now I seldom see this side of him but I still hate it when I do. Drinking doesn't help.

I think if he said something like that to me I would point out it was insensitive and be upset but not be furious like he is.

You used the correct word in the right context.

Our physical and mental capabilities can become impaired and weakend by the ageing process and, as a result, we may become decrepit.

I suggest you take your own advice; bugger off to bed and let him get over it in his own time because, as you've said, there's no point in arguing with a drunk.

Sounds to me as if the demon guilt as well as the demon drink is giving him a prod. Hopefully, in the morning he'll be too hungover to give a shit about said what, where, and to who and normality will be restored over a breakfast fry-up.

fuzzy you're a monkey

Thanks everyone. Going to bed. he can stay downstairs all night for all I care.

Another man not dealing with his emotions very well. He is probably very worried about his mum and dosn't know how to handle it so he's taking it out on you. Give him some space.

I once said of ex-mil (so many illnesses and operations and cancers and hypochondria) she should be dead by now. ExH flipped out and I actually cried because I hadnt meant it like that at all. Took six months til ExH said of someone how are they still alive, they must be living on borrowed time to survive all those illnesses before I could finally explain that's what I meant about his mum
In time he will understand you, right now defending yourself may result in digging a bigger hole