Fed up with "friend"

[bigbrownmincepies]

Sooooo. me and Jane have been freinds for a few years, both our youngest children are best freinds.
4 yrs ago her oh left her, no notice, just up and left, had been seeing someone else.
I supported her loads,helped with kids, and eventually, when she was up to it, we had afew nights out.
She has always been a home body really, and has had 2 "boyfriends" in the last 3 yrs where she wouldn't go out as much, suited me tho as i'm married wit kids so can't go out boozing every week!

Anyway, she met, almost 2 yrs ago, the current bloke.
I cannot STAND him,, and from what I can gather neither can most people!.
My oh, who gets on with anyone, cannot seem to connect with him.
He is rude, selfish, self centred,arrogant, and I'm not sure how violent, but has violent tendencies.
( Threatens to beat up anyone who crosses him, and is rough with the boys, aged 12 and 9, but they seem to enjoy it!)
She, sadly, has become like him. She only gets in touch with me when she wants free childcare, never suggests coffee, few beers etc.

She seemss to look down her nose at me and our other freind, yet we can't work out why? I've never told her i don't like him, and i try really hard to be reasonable to his face, and have invited him to do's we have had here.
Yet when i went on holiday with my kids,she was also going away that week, i said "oooh, come to ........, it's be a laugh", so they went as far away from ...... as is humanly possible!!!

They got engaged earlier this year, and her parents have questioned his past, ( is 45, several kids with several women), and told her they aren't too comfortable with somemone they don't know being around their grnadchildren.
So she fell out with them...and he subsequently threatened her dad!
Weird.
She is off work for 2 weeks, after having an op,and i keep thinking, she will text me, invite me for coffee, but so far nothing.
Yes, I COULD go round there and offer help, and i probably should, but she has trampled on me for months, used me,and barely speaks to me unless she wants something ( like him), so i feel disinclined to.

TBH, I think I've lost her, to this idiot. I worry that he will get her pregnant then bugger off, ( he has form).
He is living in HER house, is he contributing? Who knows.
I KNOW she could do so much better than him.

I need to maybe hear similar stories, what did youdo?
What WOULD you do?

And, please tell me, AM I A BITCH? Sometimes i feel I might be.

There isn't a friendship there at the moment.

There's a lot of wishing from you wanting to have the old Jane back. But she's not there anymore. She has changed, she sounds to have had a rough time. And now she's with a bloke whom she obviously likes ( though sounds like he controls the relationship?).

You have to step away to the side for now. Be nice to her if she contacts you, smile and cheery chat when you see her. But for now she's not your close mate. She might be one day, but not now. Friendships change. Don't overthink it.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I'm a bit worried for your friend, - this man sounds horrible and controlling. I don't want to leap to conclusions, but it is possible that he is seeking to deliberately isolate her from her support network, and that includes making it uncomfortable/v difficult for her to see you. I doubt she has really decided to look down at you, - more likely she is terrified of her partner's reaction if she maintains your friendship.

I would say, if you possibly can, keep the lines of communication open with your friend. Everyone around her has made it abundantly clear they don't like her choice of partner, and yet she is still with him, - adding your voice to the chorus won't do any good. There may come a time when she will really, really need someone on her side.

No, you're not a bitch, but you're suffering becasue your friend has taken up with a man whom I suspect is abusive & controlling, and she is suffering more but perhaps can't see it yet.
I'd go round to her house sometime to see her, and get a feel for how the relationship is without him being present. There are warning signs all over your post.
I hope it goes well for all concerned

What would I/could I do? Absolutely nothing, but sit back and wait for the shit to hit the fan (and also hoping that it doesn't for her and her kids sake) so that you can carry on being there for her as her friend - if you want to be of course. Because you know that right now she is under his control, and anything she says or does is most likely because of him.

Not a lot you can do unless you want to risk pushing her further away. I have been there, trust me, sticking your nose in does not do you any favours at all.

I agree with tigermoll and pancake. You're not being a bitch, you're concerned for a friend and perhaps with just cause - he sounds quite nasty.
Keep in touch with her, but you have to accept she's an adult who has to make her own decisions, even if it's the wrong ones. If it does all fall apart, hopefully you'll be there to support her.

...and FWIW, I am in the same position with an old, old friend of mine, - her partner is (in my opinion) a blustering, chippy, controlling, drama-loving, sh*t-stirring, attention-seeking wide-boy. He does not bring out the best in her, and I strongly feel that, once her has burned though all her money, he will show a clean pair of heels, regardless of their ever-growing brood of children.

However, if I point this out, all it will achieve is to get my name added to the list of people she doesn't speak to any more, and then she'll be less likely to come to me when she actually needs me.

Thank you all of you. I ffind it hard to see that he is the controler, because she is very much like me, a strong and somewhat stubborn woman!
But I do think he is happier with her isolated,but she speaks highly of him, as do her kids, ( grates on me when her youngest goes on about how wonderful he is, i have to walk away!), and she doesn't seem nervous, the only time i was in a controlling relationship i was always shaking.

I worry he is getting her to spend money she doesn't have, recently bought a new car, when 3 weeks ago she couldn't afford childs birthday pressi.
AND she has a court summons for non payment of council tax, NOT like her AT ALL. She has always been a contril freak about finances etc.

I will step back., ( already have tbh), but will be there when she needs me.
The worst part is that her youngest and mine are ( were) best mates, but they don't hang out as much now,and i wonder if thats cos of him?
Fair enough to runi my freindship, BUT not my childs :-(

tigermoll....same, he is burning his way thru her money, even money she doesn't have. I fear he will leaver her skint and pregnant.

Think of all the women who come on here realising they are with a controlling/abusive man who say there is no one in real life that they can run to for help. Be that person for her. She is a victim here. She may be making stupid choices but it sounds like she will be the victim of a horrible relationship. Back off if that is what she wants now but remember when realises what is going on and wants to find herself again she will need someone. Make sure she knows that you are there for her and you hold nothing against her. It's like a ticking bomb for her really isn't it? These guys ALWAYS manage to find the women who are most vunerable. :(

Strong and stubborn women can still end up in abusive relationships, and she could be good at putting on a front. Or still believing his and her own hype about what a great guy he is and what a wonderful relationship they have, so intense. The bad times aren't yet outweighing the passion, how good it can be.

If she's doing lots of out of character things, as you say, then you have to think he has undue influence and control over her.

I'd step back a bit, but keep the door open to the friendship.

My friend turned into a selfish git when he started seeing a controlling bitch. I told that he deserved better, that he was great guy who should have a lovely relationship. I told him that the relationship had changed him and I found it hard to be around him but I would say no more about it and that I was the first person he should contact if anything went wrong. We didn't speak much for the next few months and then I got a text saying they had broken up. I danced around the room, but of course expressed condolences and he has come back to his old self since and is with a wonderful girl.

You don't have to put up with her shit, just be straight with her. Tell her you think things have changed between you and you might be seeing less of her but if she needs you you are always there and wait for that golden text/phonecall to come.

I'm with Cailin on this one.

A bit of straight talking never goes amiss especially as you've known her for some years and seen her through thick and thin.

In fact, I almost regard it as your duty to engage in some plain speaking in a calm and pleasant way. Tell her that, from your point of view, she's changed beyond recognition since meeting x and you have serious concerns that he's the right man for her.

Say that, under the circumstances, you don't feel that continuing your friendship is productive for either of you but that you'll always think kindly of the times you shared.

Add that your door is always open to her and that you won't rush to say 'i told you so' if she knocks on it at some future date.

If you don't feel you can say the words, write to her - but keep it short and sweet and don't be tempted to give examples of his less than desirable qualities.

Thanks all, cailin and izzy I fully intend to speak to her and basically say that she's changed etc and I'm backing off fornow but will always be there for her, I just can't get the chance! Either he's there or the kids are. I have to do it tho cos it's eating me up!
He's a knob, just wish she could see it! Everyone's backed off, including her parents, yet she thinks it's everyone else who can't see how fab he is!!

She'll see it one day. All you can do is hope that it's sooner rather than later, or before he does too much damage to her and her dc.

As a general observation, it is amazing how these controlling knobs seem to be around even when they're not, iyswim. It's as if they leave an unpleasant smell or a stain that pollutes the atmosphere and lingers after they've left the room/building.

Izzy that's so true. I despise him, yet think about him,too much, he is always "there". Horrid man.
Thing is, he literally looks like a rat,so not even a good looking bloke.
I feel sick when i think of her being with him, but I Just KNOW when i tell her how I feel, she will NEVER speak to me again! She may, possibly, if and when he shoes himself to her, but then again, even then, she may decide she can cope,
They have split up a couple of times in the past, and she didn't tell me,her son did.
One time they split it was because,wait for it, her kids fight and he can't handle it! ffs.
I feel so sad for the loss of her parentss thru this, they still see the boys, but she won't have anything to do with them.
Starngely her mum has said to her, " we used to be close, going to town, having coffee etc, now you don't have time for me"
She blamed work, moving to new home etc, but the more i think about it the more i think its gotta be him.

I'd be paying her kids to create WW3 in their home on a daily/nightly basis

The ratfink knows he's on to a good number and I suspect that the 'splitting up' is carefully contrived by him to keep her on her toes and dependent on his enormous dick him.

Of course, if she had any sense she'd have it away on her toes running as far away from ratface as she could get.

I would not have further contact with this person.

eminencegrise...can you explain further? Whom would you not have further contact with? her? him? or me?

I would not contact her anymore. She is already not in contact with you, so just leave her to her own devices. It does not mean you are at all a bitch. She has chosen this path in life, unfortunately.

It's a hard call to make, - if you feel that the 'friendship' is exploiting and using you, then you are utterly justified in calling time on it. And, as other posters have said, you can do it in a calm, reasonable way that leaves the door open for her to come back in the future.

On the other hand, if he is as controlling/unpleasant as he appears, then part of his strategy will be to isolate her as much as he can from her support network, in order to exercise unfettered control over her. You say that she hardly ever contacts you, apart from to ask for help with childcare, never for a drink/coffee? Perhaps her partner has made it clear, explicitly or implicitly, that she is not allowed to see anyone unless she has a concrete, child-based reason. Ditto for the holiday plans, - it sounds more likely that HE would be the one vetoing the idea of going on holiday with another family.

At this stage, she will still be attempting to justify to herself her partner's unreasonable behaviour, - she NEEDS to pretend that everything is normal and he is right. She will therefore force herself to regard her partner's unreasonable demands/objections as justified, - perhaps she thinks to herself 'well, he's right, I should put the children first and not see my friends' or if only my children would stop fighting so much, he would be nicer to me'. As this goes on, she will feel less and less able to contact anyone for help, regardless of how clear you feel you have made that offer.

You hope that, when she realises what a kn*b he is, she will still be in a position to merrily kick him to the kerb and come back to her old self, but sometimes its not that easy. I'm not suggesting you martyr yourself for her, or that it is your job to keep your friend safe, but if I were you, I would want to keep contact with her. Without wishing to proselytise, its easy to find friends when you're fun and happy. But the time when you actually need a friend is often when you're at your most dislikeable, and its the ones who stuck by you when it got difficult to do, that are the proper lifelong, soulmate, on-your-team, got-your-back, can go to you with anything friends.

Only you can decide if that is what your friendship with jane is, - it sounds like a relatively new friendship, so I'm not sure if you have that responsibility to her. Possibly she has older friends who fill that role, and you can't fake that bond if you don't have it with someone.

in your heart you need to say goodbye to a friend who's gone away. she may or may not ever come back but in the mean time keep the door open.

I dont watch the door anymore, but would would welcome the knock

Thanks all. You have all confirmed what I already knew.
I sent a group text out on friday for an event i'm having in a few weeks, and she is the only one who hasn't replied

I will see what tuesday bbrings, i always collect her youngest from school and have him until she gets in from work, altho she is off work this week too.
Think the tuesday thing will end, sadly that will mean my son won't see his best freind at all!