Emotionally abusive father? (long, sorry)

[mammya]

I am worried my DD (10) is starting to get emotionally abused by her father (my ex).

She sees him every other weekend, staying at his house. She's reported a couple of instances of gaslighting. What upset her most was that he didn't apologise for something he did, which he wouldn't do as he denied it happened. I've talked to her a little and explained that he's always been like that and always will be. She says she just wants him to be nice to her and it's making her not want to go to his house any more. I told her I would not force her to go if that was the case.

At her request I talked to him, saying that he needed to be more careful of not denying her feelings. I made it clear to him if it carries on he risks losing contact with her. As I expected he didn't take it well and implied she's been "playing games" lately and that they need to talk. This worries me as it's quite typical of what would happen when we were together.

She's 10! Of course she's not playing games. She's very sensitive and has a very strong sense of justice, hence her being so upset when he doesn't apologise to her. She is going through puberty at the moment and her moods a bit up and down with all the hormonal changes, which is not helping things much.

He was severely emotionally abusive to me when we were together, and it escalated to physical violence when I got pregnant. We separated when DD was 7 months old, the police were involved. I am not worried (at this stage) about him being physically violent to DD, but I have always feared that he would one day try to bully and emotionally abuse her. We have an OK relationship now, sometimes we go on outings together with DD.

I have never badmouthed him to her and never told her the true reasons why we separated (just said we didn't love each other anymore and no longer got on).

How can I support her through this, short of stopping her from seeing her dad? At this stage I think such a decision should come from her, although I might review this if things get worse. Am I wrong? Should I stop the contact?

I am also thinking now is perhaps a good time to tell her a little more about the emotional abuse part of what I went through.

Any advice welcome...

bump...

It's definitely emotional abuse OP - gaslighting is very upsetting and frightening for an adult, never mind a 10 year old. Of course she's not playing games with him - as you said, she's 10, he's the adult. I think you're doing the right thing by not badmouthing him to her - carry on being an adult even though he doesn't seem to be capable of doing the same. Carry on talking to her and listening to what she has to say. Let her know that you believe her and understand her so that she doesn't feel completely alone when he's undermining her feelings. I think letting her know that she doesn't have to see him if she really doesn't want to is a good idea too.

Well done on getting out of your relationship with him - at least this way you can manage things and support your DD without worrying about your own relationship/marriage to him. Good luck.

Is there anyone she trusts that she could talk to in an official capacity like a school guidance counsellor? That way she could have some independent input that this kind of behaviour from her dad is not normal or OK, and you have some verification of his behaviour and its effect on your daughter if it gets worse.

Thanks JosieRosie, I'm glad you think I'm on the right track.

NunTheWiser, that's a good idea but I don't think there's a school guidance counsellor at her school (not an English school). I'll have to investigate the options.

Would it be a good or bad idea to tell her a bit more about the emotional abuse her father put me through, or would that count as badmouthing him? I am worried she might repeat some of it to him as it would makes things worse between him and me as well as between DD and him. Would it be OK to ask her not to repeat any of what I tell her to him?

I am so angry with him for putting her through this.

I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her about the abuse you suffered as I think it would be too much for her to handle. However, do continue to let her know that you believe her and validate her feelings. I think it might be wise to lead her gently into asking to cut down her contact with her dad. Make sure it comes from her and not from you so that he can't turn it into a fight between the two of you. To be honest I'm surprised you worked to maintain contact with a violent man, but it seems to have worked so far. Just be sure that your DD knows it's perfectly fine not to want to visit her father and that his treatment of her isn't right.

Thanks CailinDana, you're probably right about not telling her.

I've maintained contact between DD and her dad because I never had any fear that he would be physically abusive to her, but as I said I did have the worry at the back of my mind about the emotional abuse.

I think I'll carry on what I've been doing so far and monitor the situation closely.

OMG why on earth haven't you warned her about the physical violence in the very least?!?!?