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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

things arent good really. might be long.

20 replies

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 10:26

Dont really know where to start or why I'm posting. Just need to rant I suppose.

Things aren't great at the moment with me and DH.

We have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5, have 3.6yo DD and 7week old DS.

We haven't spoken to each other since Wednesday when he got in a huff over me not wanting sex, and he was pushing it and pushing it and I lost my rag and asked why he couldn't take no for an answer.

He's so childish.

Things havent really been great for a while if I'm honest, just plodding along for the kids, and because I was pregnant.

He is very strict with money, don't really feel like any of it is mine (I am SAHM) eventhough it is a joint account and technically its 'ours', it feels like because he earns it, it is his money and I have to ask. He says it is ours, not his, but something just doesn't feel right when I spend it, like he moans internally iyswim.

He helped loads when DD was a baby, did all the bottles, steriliser, nappies, feeds etc, everything a dad should do. but this time with DS, he is on different hours at work and out of the house 6-6, and choosing to do overtime he doesn't need to do. We can manage fine without that extra money and to me, spending time at home is more important. But he chooses to go to work. He comes in, plays with DD for an hour, eats dinner, baths then goes on PS3. that's his routine. never offers to help if DS is crying, lets me get on with it.

When DD was 8 weeks old, he went online and swapped numbers with a girl and she sent him dirty pics. His mate took the blame for him and said he was using DH's phone, I only found out the truth when DD was maybe 4/5months old. I keep thinking he will do it again, now we're coming up to that point again - DS almost 8wo.

Dh is so quiet, doesn't really make conversation with me or my friends so my friends never feel welcome in our home and it is important to me to keep my friends else I'd go mad. I was the only one he really speaks to, and is himself when he is around me, until someone said to me the other week that they have never heard us have a conversation. I laughed and said of course we do, but upon reflection I have thought about it and we really don't speak. It's like we live together, separately.

If I'm honest I'm not happy and I know that if we talked things over and sorted things it would probably get better. Things were great after we sorted it when DD was little. so great for 3 years and now we've had the baby it has gone back the way it was. And I feel like I can't be bothered to sort it out anymore.

Not really sure what I want for this, maybe just some friendly ears and somewhere to vent. Nobody to talk to in RL really. Don't like to burden my friends or family, I've put such a happy face on things for so long, they all think he's fab and that everything is perfect. Sad

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 11/11/2011 10:54

I don't want to worry you unnecessarily but it sounds like he has detached himself from you, and the reason for this is probably another woman. The fact that he has form for infidelity (albeit an online affair) is a huge red flag.

Is he protective of his mobile - or will he happily let you have a look at it?

I would do some digging around - check his mobile, emails, laptop etc. Check his car for a second mobile if you cant find anything.

Witchofthenorth · 11/11/2011 10:59

This isn't right and you know it. As MAHC said I would do a bt more digging, this is not normal behaviour...going in a huff about sex is ridiculous! My DH did this once with me but TBF we hadn't had sex for nearly a year!

Stop putting a happy face on because your not happy!

If you were to confront him about where your marriage is would he discuss it with you?

seasidesister · 11/11/2011 11:03

It sounds like he doesnt cope well with putting the needs of others before his own.

Can you go out just the two of you one evening? Have a proper chat about things?

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 11:05

He doesn't have a phone. DD sent it for a swim in the bath about 3 weeks ago. no car, non drivers.

If i were to discuss things, it would be me talking at him, him not participating in a conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if he would claim things are fine.

we share an email address, history on pc doesnt show anything suspicious.

i dont think an affair is an issue, at the minute.

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seasidesister · 11/11/2011 11:11

Ok if you dont think he will discuss maybe you just have to give him a message to think over.

Tell him how fab you thought he was with DC1, helping with feeds etc. Then, point out that things have changed and you are not happy. Tell him things are NOT fine.

Then explain that BOTH of you have a 7 week old baby. He is not your priority right now (which is probably what is bugging him.) and that he now needs to stop with the huff, man up and focus on looking after you and the children, or you will leave him.

Tell him that.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 11:28

you're right, he isn't my priority, and hasn't been for a while (high risk pregnancy, hard time TTC).

i'll have to see if he speaks to me tonight. i have already had thought about just leaving, checked what benefits i could get.

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ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 11:57

I am getting to the point where i don't care what he thinks anymore. been online and done some shopping without asking which unusual for me.

have told my mum things aren't as they seem but not gone into detail, esp. about the sex issues. i think its the sex thing that gets to me the most. he clearly doesn't respect me or my body enough to take my first no as enough no's. im not going to do sexual things just to keep him pleased it should be a mutual thing. im 7 weeks post partum, things havent miraculously gone back to normal that quickly which he clearly thinks they do.

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Witchofthenorth · 11/11/2011 12:13

I think you have already deciided what you want to do. And that's ok, if you wan to leave, then do so. We will all still be here to help you through that.

I am a bit Confused at you asking him to do shopping. Is he controlling?

If you leave, do you have someplace to go?

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 12:48

no i have no money, nowhere to go.

at face value id like to say no he isnt controlling but he does take charge of the finances more than me. but i used to like it that way, but now it bugs me. if i want some news jeans or something ill always ask first to see if its ok to get money out the bank. he always says i dont need to ask but it just doesnt feel like its my money. so thats probably more of an issue on my part.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 11/11/2011 14:07

A proper talk is in the cards I think, especially with regards to the care of your baby and sex. Or as seasidesster says, if he won't talk then just give him the message and leave him with the statement of fact to mull over!

Do you want to still be with him?

seasidesister · 11/11/2011 14:36

I dont blame you for being upset with him. I think you need to tell him how upset you are over him being pushy about sex.

He needs to understand how unreasonable is being and that your body is not just their to service his needs.

It needs to recover from childbirth and he must respect that. If he is anyway decent he will feel rubbish when he hears that and apologise.

seasidesister · 11/11/2011 14:37

sorry he is being
and there

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/11/2011 17:27

I do want to be with him. When things are good they're good. He is a good dad, he provides for us and I love him but it's just when something like Wednesday night happens it makes you re-evaluate the level of respect he has for me.

When he comes home I'm going to have a word about a different routine to try and get him to take a bit more of the load and I'm also going to tell him how disrespectful he was Wednesday and see if he apologises. If he doesn't apologise and he doesn't see how wrong it was then... I don't know.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2011 17:46

Coconuts

No he is not being a good Dad is he is treating the mother of his children like this. Not speaking to you since Wednesday is also manipulative on his part because you now feel its done to you (again) to put things right. Such self entitled men do not change because this is learnt behaviour (probably from parents).

What are you getting from this relationship now?.

If you did have funds and a place to go, would you still be with him?

Saying he is a "good dad" too is often the default comment for women who can say nothing positive about their man. Your children are too young to really notice this all yet but they will do as they become older. Actually your 3 year old may well be picking up on bad vibes between you two now; children do notice.

I would also now consider going to Relate and if he won't attend (which is likely) then attend on your own.

lifechanger · 11/11/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 11/11/2011 18:28

If there's one marital rule that should be tattooed on every man's bellend, it's this: Men who do their fair share of domestic work and childcare have better sex lives. Because men who don't are treating their partners as servants, and this is a surefire way of putting women off having sex - why would you want to have sex with someone who is treating you as a servant?

tallwivglasses · 11/11/2011 19:03

They'd have to have a pretty big bellend Grin

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 12/11/2011 09:10

Hi all, sorry didn't come back to this last night.

We had a good chat. Well I talked, he agreed and said the right things in the right places.

he apologised for Wednesday. He said he knew he was wrong as soon as he said anything but he was surprised at himself and was too stubborn to apologise straight away and kind of left the bedroom out of embarrassment as well as huffiness.

I told him I had been thinking of leaving. He was surprised at that, sounded quite upset. I said if anything like that happens again it will be a dealbreaker for me, totally disrespectful etc.

He said he hadn't realised how i felt about him not helping as much this time round and said how is he meant to knw if I don't ask him. Hmm An offer would be nice, I shouldn't have to ask was my reply. He said that when he does try to help or it's his turn for a feed or whatever, that I take over and interfere Blush so that's something I need to try and work on. I hate asking for help. I'd rather struggle on my own than admit defeat so it will be a big thing for me.

He is going to do more for our routine (steriliser, bottles etc) and do an extra feed with the baby on his days off so I can sleep in - he isn't here for the mornign feed when he is at work - leaves at 5.30 - so that will be nice.

I'm going to try and not hold it against him, else I'll always be holding a grudge and we'll never move forward. I hope things improve. At least if they don't I know I can manage on my own.

Relate might be an idea to help us with our communication.

OP posts:
lifechanger · 12/11/2011 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 12/11/2011 10:35

Lifechanger - you're right. It is hard to ask him to help without inferring he is just a glorified childminder, doing me a favour. So I definitely need to use your suggestions, thanks, it's really helpful.

I know I was like that with DD too. but then it did end up being me asking outright and it became just like looking after her, not being a dad iyswim. It's hard to get that balance right.

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