Anyone successfully stayed friends with a potential OM?

[whomeyesme]

I've name-changed for this and I'm not sure how much detail is neccessary.

I'm in a situation where I have a very flirty friendship with a male friend. We are both flirty people, both been open with our OHs about the contact we have (emails, text, facebook) and DH is ok with it, on the whole. DH & I are comfortable with having friends of the opposite sex, though DH is a bit when I get a text from him on a Saturday night.

Just lately things have notched up a bit and got to the point where we've had a frank discussion about what we're doing and that we need to reign ourselves in a bit as we're on the verge of crossing the line. We both admitted to each other that if we weren't married, we would have embarked on a sexual relationship, but accept that we are married and that an affair will not and cannot happen under any circumstances.

Our view is that you can't help being attracted to other people, but what you can help is what you do about it. We are very aware that by embarking on an affair not only do we risk our marriages and family, but our friendship will have to end as our OHs would not tolerate any continued contact between us.

So our goal is to work through this, without betraying our OH's trust and to remain friends. DH hasn't met him, nor me his DW though this is something we've all discussed trying to sort out as the OHs are keen for everyone to meet.

I know we are dangerously close to the line and that even having discussed what we have has crossed over it in some way, but is it going to be possible to remain friends?

I want to add that I am very happily married with 2 kids, I love DH to bits and he is The One. We have a great relationship and I wouldn't jeopardise that by doing something stupid that I absolutely know I'd regret. However, I do hope that it's okay to carry on being friends with someone whose friendship I value but am also attracted to.

Or am I living in cloud cuckoo land??

(Sorry it's a bit waffling)

Thanks for coming back OP and well done for speaking to your husband about this. I'm assuming you work with the OM, so it won't be as simple as cutting contact with someone you don't have to see, but you can manage the communication and do everything you can to reduce it to the professional and civil only.

I don't agree with posters who've implied there must be something missing in your marriage and fortunately you seem more pragmatic. Affairs in workplaces are mainly about opportunity and proximity, not tortured souls in unhappy marriages looking for their true love. Part of stripping this of its romanticism is to see it for what it is. It's only happened because the OM is well, there and the flirtation has probably brightened up what can be dull days at work. Hopefully this will help you put up boundaries with future new colleagues.

OP, if you really love your H stop being so self indulgent and cut off all contact with this man. You are not just friends and never will be.

If you want to see into the future I can tell you what happens as my ex was just like you.

He had a 'friend'. They had an affair. He lied and lied over it. I chucked him out. We divorced. He got married. Because their relationship was built on a history of deceit they didnt trust each other. They are also now divorcing.

He was round for breakfast this morning picking up the children to take them to school. We get on well, we have lots in common still, but I dont trust him at all anymore and I never will. He lost his home and his family. He now lives on his own round the corner from us.

I feel sorry for your H. If you love him, you need to value and respect him more

Good post elasta.

DO NOT meet this other woman. This will allow you to think you like her, no really you do, and allow you to delude yourself and excuse yourself because you 'don't want to hurt her, you like her'. even though you are already now. As stupid as that sounds I have just had the displeasure to see that degree of delusion in another woman who is shagging a 'nice lady''s husband...

Are you mad? Potential OM is not your friend he is exactly that Potential Other Man.

You can't just be friends with this man because the fact you want to sleep with him will always be there, he'll always be 'the one that got away' - after a few years, if you see him and realise you don't fancy him, at that point you might be able to be friends, but because of this history, you will end up having a very superficial relationship.

If you work with him, I'd recommend starting to look for a new job. But then I'd rather fuck up my career than fuck up my marriage and family.

Talking about it, admitting to each other that you'd have a sexual relationship if you were both free, doesn't dampen it down, it pours rocket fuel on it. I wish I could say that what I am saying is theory.....

Step totally away from him. YOu have already crossed the line. Cut the relationship dead, including any 'friendship' - you are kidding yourself.

I used to have a friendship like this with a guy at work. Wed know eachother for heats but he'd had a long term partner. Then I met the man who's my dh now. My friend was distraught and begged me not to marry him, talked about finishing with his dp. I realised that things had gone too far emotionally and changed jobs so we were now in different offices. However a couple of months later he changed jobs and came to work in my dept. The flirting started up again so ileft my job and cut contact with him.

I've bumped into him a couple of times since and it took my breath away. I still have strong feelings for him however I've made sure that we do not have contact. I don't havehisphone number, I don't know his new address, hes not on Facebook. It's for the best.

I am in a long term happy relationship and too have a number of male friends who yes, sometimes I feel attracted to. I see it as harmless though and have been friends with some of these men for over 4 & 6 years without anything happening.

I would be gutted if I had to cut contact just because there were sometimes more than friendly feelings happening.

I believe it is natural and I would not expect my DP not to be attracted to his female friends either.

We just trust that it won't go any further.

Oh come on.

There is a big difference between fancying friends (we all do that) and flirting/emailing/texting/explicity talking about your sexual feelings for each other and how you'd love to act on them!

I doubt very much your dh knows even half of what you have said and done.

Yes I am judging you. Because I dislike the way you respresent your potentially extremely damaging and self indulgent emotional affair as two flirtatious people getting a bit carried away.

Don't meet, stop being silly, grow up, cut contact.

Yours sincerely, from a 41 year old woman whose mother enjoyed a flirt or two and subsequently wrecked her marriage and deeply wounded her two children who still feel the effects today.

You'll probably get over the attraction, in time. I've had friends like this, and now we are just friends and i really dont want anything more from them (gross etc).

yeah it does sounds more like an EA than a flirty friend to be honest

yes of course it's possible

I'm in a situation where I have a very flirty friendship with a male friend. We are both flirty people

There is complete disregard for your husband in this statement.

I think you need to grow up.

Perhaps you should get your OH's permission to shag each other, have a shag and realise what an anti-climax it is, and carry on just flirting?