Nice guy but head messed up. What to do?

[SpiritualKnot]

Met a man on a dating site. Really like him but the number of problems he has is terrible, lost his job, no money, about to lose his house,both parents ill. Health problems himself. He's depressed and seeing a counsellor soon

Problem is I've really falling for him but he says his head is messed up and he can't consider a relationship (parents were ok when he went on the site but not now, father very poorly in hospital).

I'm recently divorced after a 20 year marriage and am not ready for a full relationship myself which is why I like him. Went and saw him today and then I got a bit upset when I left as he wasn't able to say whether we could watch a film together one evening. He feels he's on standby for anything happening to his parents all the time. I pop round to see him in my lunch hour two or three times a week, been going on about 5 weeks now.

Rang him tonight, he said he'd seen I was upset and felt he couldn't be more than friends at tis time. I said I wasn't ready for a relationship myself, but wanted male company. This is true, have met men on dating sites before and they just want one thing and I run a mile.

I feel as if I'm pressuring him all the time and want to stop, but don't seem able to. He says seeing me upset has made him think that he doesn't want to bring me down to were he is. I am very vulnerable at the moment and can't bear the thought of him telling me to stop calling round.

Not sure what to do, has anyone had experience of this kind of thing or any advice?

Take a big step back, he's not available to you. Perhaps that's the attraction for you in fact, but you're just going to get badly hurt.

run, run for you life. I've done my share of trying to help/save a man.

It never works out well!

Oh BTW I met my husband on a dating site - so I know it can work out :)

Step away OP. He has made his position clear. Cut contact and concentrate on yourself and finding someone who is available.

Walk away now.

Oh dear, the message is pretty clear! Will I ever find a man ?!!

Ah of course - when the time is right. Who knows when?

It's no good trying to make something into what it isn't. At least he hasn't strung you along with false promises. He's been honest. Have a 'good' break-up and concentrate on yourself for a while. If you are so vulnerable - don't put yourself out there until you're ready.

SK, the thing is, it really doesn't matter if you don't find/have a partner. While you are still thinking that you are incomplete without A Man, you will waste time and energy on the likes of this puddle of misery - who at least is a decent enough sort to make it clear to you that he doesn't want a relationship with you at the moment - or you will attract arseholes.

He just isnt the right man. You deserve much better than someone who cant even manage to invite you round to watch a film. i think you need to move on and leave him be.

Before I met my DP I dated someone who is lovely but seriously flaky. Not a good feeling. My DP on the other hand has never made me feel anything but that he is 100% interested in me. There is no stress, angst or game playing in our relationship. You will know how it should feel when you do meet the right man for you.

You dont know this man well enough to be an emotional prop for him. Relationships should start off light, and fun, not be straight into emotional baggage and dealing with the other persons problems.

I would say you are not falling for him, but you want someone to care about and "make better", but you really dont need this.

He is at least being fair and letting you know that its ok to walk away from him. Dont feel guilty, just do it.

You will meet someone else, but there is absolutely no need to rush into it.. meet people as friends first, and let things develop naturally.

I am very vulnerable at the moment That's why you're feeling hurt by his rejection of you.

I suggest you take steps to build your self-worth and self-esteem and wait until you are feeling less vulnerable before continuing your dating site adventures because, from what I've read on this board, it can be likened to swimming with sharks - although you seem to have hooked a tiddler who needs to be thrown back asap.

Thank you for your advice everyone. I thought I was getting stronger but this man has set me back a bit. I'm not in a good place myself either (at work we're all having to reapply for our jobs, a real cow has got another member of staff to lodge a totally unfounded complaint against me to increase her own chances of getting the job she thinks I want and my PhD is for completion by the end of December and my supervisor has just asked me to analyse a load more data to add to it).

I have considered that maybe this man and his problems are a distraction from my own problems. I think I will have to deal with my own problems before I can take on anyone elses.

You are doing a PhD? For submission in December? I'm surprised that you have the time/energy for dating Your work situation sounds very unsettling.

Really, I have been a misery magnet in the past. I even married one of my miserable men! Not worth it. Everyone has baggage of course but he has made it abundantly clear that he does not want a relationship. Salvage what's left of your dignity, wish him well and cut contact.

FWIW I'm trying to use exercise and meditation to get me through my study (teacher training). Spare time when my kids are with my X is for seeing friends. I refuse to waste precious free time on dating site losers. I know people do meet lovely partners online. My friend did - after wading through ab out a dozen plonkers. I am delighted for her but really it's not my priority. Plus, she has lots more free time and no babysitting issues so giving up an evening to meet someone is not so much of a big deal.

I think it would be nice to meet someone at some point maybe. Right now, I am more concerned with keeping the rest of my life on track. I love the independence of not being married to an idiot anymore. I am not anxious to replace X with an updated but still fundamentally flawed model. I know that society really only likes couples and singledom can be very threatening but when I hear colleagues moan about thoughtless, selfish male partners, I really don't feel so deprived!

Would you want to have sex with a man that has no intention of creating intimacy with you. Sometimes a little pick-me-up sex helps you on the way - but boundaries need to be clear. Beware! With the wrong guy, no strings can make you feel a whole lot worse. I would hate the idea of this man saying he needs help with 'this and that' before you get what you need. Do you need your energies more for yourself at the moment? I know it can be scary being alone after a long relationship. But it could also be a time for you to do exactly what you want and need. So is it another man that can nurture and treat you like a queen or is it a totally different venture? Use all the support around you and Good Luck!

SK: wasn;t your last partner an utter loser that you needed to nursemaid and carry around? It seems to me that you may have got yourself stuck in 'rescuer' mindset and would do better to shift that. Otherwise you will got from one cocklodging parasite to another.

Run away, run away. I'm sure he's a lovely fellow but you are definitely looking for different degrees of commitment here. He's after a shag and chat with somebody pleasant to take his mind off his problems. You're after a semi-permanent fixture. He isn't it. Neither of you are being unreasonable in what you want but you are on different pages so it ain't going to work, is it?

No failure or rejection need be part of this. You are nice enough to provide the comforting casual contact he wants. He is nice enough that you would like to spend more time with him on a regular basis. Unfortunately you don't want to be that casual and he doesn't want to be that regular so... fond farewell time, gird up your loins and get back looking.

SK

At least this man hasn't strung you along on this occasion.

Please do not go down the route of trying to rescue and or save such a person; acting like that in a relationship never works out well.

You write yourself you are not in a good place either so now is certainly not the time to embark on any relationship. You need to work on the relationship with yourself and give yourself time to heal and further improve your own self worth. As it is you are vulnerable to attracting undesireables who can smell emotionally vulnerable women a mile off.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood

Thank you, this has really cleared my head. I went on a date last night with an absolutely gorgeous man, asked me out last minute so I thought "What the heck" and went, won't be seeing him again, but very pleasant evening. Made me realise that I should wait until I'm ready, on both an emotional and work-wise level.

Going to knuckle down, get these work issues sorted and then lose some weight, tone up and then wait and see what happens. Might still pop and see the original guy for coffee as a friend as he likes the company during the day, it gives me a break from work and doen't interfere with the PhD stuff as I do that evening /weekends.

My ex wasn't a loser, but he acted like one which is pretty much the same thing. I did end up being the main wage earner and felt like the man in the relationship, with a nagging husband saying he needed looking after.
He left me for a woman half my age.

You can imagine what happened when we started to divorce. Refusal to pay child maintenance, won't give son at uni any money, insisting I move to a smaller house. No thanks, he now pays maintenance, I'm in the same house, with a lodger to help financially and I'm proud to be able to give my son enough to live on at uni.

(Best thing is, I now plan to retire early, he would have had me working until I was 68, I'm going at 55, albeit with only a small pension, when daughter leaves school and moving back up North to be with my family again.)

THANK YOU!!!!!