How do you know he's 'The one'?

[tiredpandabear]

I've been with my partner for a very long time and have 2 kids together. Our relationship was always hard work and he was never really affectionate. I met someone else who i had an instant connection with, we were compatible and everything felt right. Quite often he will say out loud what i was thinking e.g i'd listen to a song which reminded me of us and he'd tell me the name of the song he's been listening to for the past week or i'd be thinking in my mind that i miss him already before i've even left and he'd tell me the exact same thing word for word. My long term partner knows and is willing to work on our relationship, he loves me and wants me back. My lover has never had much luck in terms of love, involved with not the right people so subsequently, never married or had kids. He's promising everything like looking after my kids, getting a home together and says i'm 'The One'. How do you know when you meet 'The One' and that it's not just the first flush of love?

I don't think you can tell if somebody else is 'The One' wen you are in what you consider to be a shit relationship already. Anybody but your partner who throws a few right words and some attention your way will look like your Knight in Shining Armour. Not very helpful, but true, I think.

Perahps there's no such thing as 'The One'- I mean, maybe everyone thinks that in the first excitement of a new relationship, and for some of them it turns out to be true, but for loads who had the same feeling, it doesn't, so the idea that you just 'know' doesn't really stand up to examination. Otherwsie tehre's be no divorce. I think you only really know if they were The One when you're about 90. Or if you've been with them 10 years and you've survived all their smelly socks and bad habits and irritations, and you still want to be with them. Then they're The One.

He's "the one" if you're both still happily together after 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years.
If he makes you happy for a few years when you'd otherwise be miserable, then it's possibly worthwhile.

I don't because there's no such thing as 'the one'. You can be entirely happy with any number of people provided the timing's right.

It's lovely to meet someone and feel a connection, but the only way to work out if it's right for the long-term is to wait and find out what he's like when the less-romantic parts of the relationship come along. He can say all the right things about living together as one happy family, but what will he really like when the DC are whining, or ill, or the rubbish needs to be taken out?

I don't want to say "stick to a failing relationship at all costs and don't take a risk" but OTOH a quick bit of romance can make a new relationship look very rosy, but doesn't always mean there's any substance there.

I don't think "The One" is a real thing - the right person for you can change over time, and if one relationship doesn't work oout, then there are other men out there who can be right for you. Don't get hung up on there being one right person for you, either your current partner, the new fling, or anyone else who might be out there. The only "One" is the one you decide to make it work with.

Thank you all for reply. Amuminscotland- I understand what you're saying. Trying with my partner for the kids sake is what i should do first. If it doesn't work out, then move on.

I do personally believe in The One (although I think there can be more than one 'The One' in a lifetime for some people IYSWIM).

In all my relationships before OH, I had an underlying sense of unease, even where the man was a really decent person (I never went for shitty men). I always felt that if/when that relationship went wrong, I would never truly be able to look back and say there was a time when I had completely believed in it.

With OH, I totally believe in it. It isn't really that I don't believe things couldn't possibly go wrong, more that being with him is an act of total good faith for me and that whatever happens, I'll always know that.

Just a different perspective I suppose!

I think bearing in mind there are 7 billion people on the earth there are probably at least a million people who could be "The One" This is a romantic notion that people have in the first few weeks/months.

I think you need space to work out the best thing to do for your current relationship, even if that's some time on your own.

You could be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, with no perspective at all on whether you're doing the right thing.

And children are involved. You need to be more responsible, not getting carried away like some teenager.

Attempt to work out any issues with current DP first and foremost. If OM is the one the connection will still be there in the years to come, even if you have no contact.

I met 'The One' over 25 years ago, asked him if he was married and because he was struck him from my available list. 24 years later we got together.

You will know

He's a good guy, kind, affectionate, makes me laugh, great in bed, and I'm very happy with him. I don't believe in "The One" as I'm sure if I hadn't met him I'd've ended up quite happily with someone else. Romantic? Perhaps not. Realistic? Yes.