Telling parents about another baby

[spidermum]

I am 12 wk pg with my 5 th child and am dreading telling my mum. She is a very supportive, loving granny but I know she thinks I have more than enough to deal with with 4. She sees me at my worst with them, although recently I have been trying so hard when she's around to be the perfect calm mother, and is always worrying that we don't have enough space or money, which we don't! I am so fed up of being worried about though. This wasn't planned and my others are only 8, 6, 4 and 2 and reading back this post I suppose I'd be worried if it was dd. I sometimes just want to get on with my life and not worry about what my parents, family, neighbours think of me and my set-up but somehow can't. Can anyone offer any help or advice?

It's not her job to judge you. If you and dh/p are ok with what you are doing, then it isn't anyone else's business. If she is concerned, she can help you. What's done is done, so discussing what may or may not have been is utterly irrelevant. Sorry to be so blunt but your life is really up to you and you are not doing anything wrong here!!!

Feel I should add that I do try at all times to be patient with my kids but find when my mums around, interfering and winding me up as mothers seem to do, I tend to be shorter with them. My ds1 seems not to have a great deal of respect for her atm which makes me cross with him and her for, imo not dealing with the situation properly. Sorry for rambling...

Please don't apologise, I understand what you are saying. It is very understandable that you feel you need your mum's approval and are concerned about what she thinks. That said, the most important thing is how you feel as you are their mum and only you know how you are doing. Are you worried about not managing and if so, could you be projecting this onto your mum a bit?

Hello Spidermum. I like the name!

I'm also less patient with my four kids when my mum's around because she talks to me non-stop and the kids have to compete for the attention which is normally theirs.
How many kids you have and can cope with is up to you but I fully understand the desire to keep your mum onside.
My mum doesn't really get a true picture of what my life is usually like because things change when she's around.
I've had to let go of the idea that my mum will help me the more kids I've had. She's great with one on one, but really bad at dealing with the noise.

Do you have other family or friends with whom you could build up a network of support? I think with five you need to know there's help out there if you need it.

LOL! thought it was you spidermama with a name change.

spidermum- i had this a few weeks ago with my mum and this is only baby no3! some mums, make us feel this way and i often wish that i hadd a more easy going reltaionshi with my mum, but at the end of the day we have to tell ourselves we are adults and we are responsible for making our own decisions and sometimes other people may not approve, be happy, concerned for our decisions, but we are the ones that have to make our decisions and stick by them.

fwiw my best freind has 5 kids and says she wouldn't have it anyother way and doesn't know how people cope with the quiet when there is only one or two kids around. she has been nagging me since ds2 was born to have another and now look whats happened!

p.s you'll be fine and i'm sure your mum will too, probably just be a bit of a shock to start with, but i'm sure she will soon come round, thats if shes not happy straight away!

It took me about 18weeks to tell my parents about no 4 and even then got ds to do it as I was embarrassed - even then dad thought we were still talking about the chicken marinade
Told the in-laws much sooner though - they were less likely to think us mad having an "accident" after 16 years of marriage and 3 older kids! She's the best mistake anyone ever made!
Incidently, my parents left shortly afterwards looking very embarrassed (probably surprised we still have sex) but now adore our littlest one.

CONGRATULATIONS
i had this when i had ds2 and ds3 and both my parents and inlaws were cool in their response worrying about space, time and money. i just wanted them to be happy for us and it did affect the mood in our house for a few weeks as we hoped they would be happy for us. they adore them once they were born - i just think they think of all the practicalities when you just want those closest to you to be happy for you and support you. so why don't you pre-empt(sp?) her by saying 'i know you will worry about what i'm going to tell you - but we are so happy we wanted to share our news. i hope you can be happy for us and i bet you can't wait to be a gorgeous granny again!' maybe make light of it just so you can stop the feeling of this being a weight on your shoulders.
i'm an only child and i remember telling my mum i was expecting ds2 and she replied 'what do you want another one for?' sometimes we have to remind our parents we are not them.
best of luck. i'm broody and ds3 is only 8 months old - i don't know if i can handle the idea he is my last one. we have no room (he sleeps with us), very little money. having children has been the hardest thing i've ever done, its also been the best thing i've ever done

thank you for all your replies. I think as Spidermama said she doesn't get a true picture of what my life is like when she's around because she just adds to the chaos, endless carrier bags and a large hairy dog! I do get more stressed with them when she's around and that's a shame because she does want to help and she is very good with the little ones. She does however have slightly higher standards than me, i have had to let mine drop, well at least that's my excuse, and is always doing my washing up, hoovering and I can't bear it. She gets busy and I feel I ought to be doing something instead of having a cup of tea and sitting down in front of Cbeebies! Dh thinks I'm not very good at being helped and he's right. I would rather do everything myself albeit badly than have anyone's help and I don't know why. Slightly gone off thread... She will be pleased about the baby ultimately but she will fuss and worry and I don't want her too!

to!

Spooky spidermum. My mum also has a big, hairy, smelly dog.
If your mum's anyting like mine (and many arachnids do have striking similarities ) she worries for your health and well being with so many others making demands on you. My mum can't understand how I can bare to have so little me time but I don't really want it. I get bored and don't know what to do with it.

I think also that my mum wants her dd back (ie me) but I'm too busy to have the relationship and the long chats and days out that we used to have.

How lovely to have a gang of five kids. Congratulations.

I think she tries to empathise too much but ends up misunderstanding because we are different in so many ways yet she thinks we are quite similar. Help! I suppose she just wants the best for me but her idea of what's best for me. She's not had the happiest life and had a pretty grim marriage and she want me to have a better one. She does say quite often 'I just hope you don't end up like me' and I want to shout 'Why should I?!'I feel we can't have a very honest relationship because she takes everything I say so literally. It means I can't moan about dh without her thinking divorce or say anything about ds1 not wanting to go to bed without her thinking adhd. Basically she's just a worrier and as dh says 'Just accept it, she's never going to change.'

Your DH is spot on. Our parents are very unlikely to change at this stage. We have to grieve or let go of the parents we want them to be and accept who they really are, even if that means a scaling down of feelings towards them.

I suppose all you can do is try to let it wash over you. Don't bother trying to explain stuff to her which you know, from experience, she won't understand. You are not her.

Also if you argue with dh either don't tell your mum about it or tell her then be prepared for the inappropriate response and assumptions from her.

I've had great times in the past moaning to my mum about my dh where she fully supports me, but then she starts slagging him off and I get defensive. So I've given that up now. That's what mumsnet is for.

i know what you mean though...my hubbie was in Saudi-i got pregnant when he came home and my first was only 3 months old- then i went and did it again-and I was so so happy but I still made my hubbie ring my mum up - from saudi - to tell her!!!! don't know what the hell i was worried about.....! for god's sake i was over 30. why the hell i was worried i don't know!!!!

You're right. Thanks everyone.

Just spotted your thread, Spidermama. Hope your dh is home. I'm just wondering where mine is. BTW don't want to freak you out anymore but we have recently moved to Brighton and I was going to contact you because I was home-schooling my dd while waiting for a school place for her. I nearly changed my name when I saw you were a regular mnetter because although I love this site and have been around for nearly five and a half years, with a couple of different names, I rarely get around to posting.

This has gone out of control with spookiness spidermum and I'm going to have to Cat you to explain why.

Here goes ...

BTW I've been on here for about 6-7 months and I've never seen your name before. Do you usually post under another name?

I don;t have another name anymore. I don't know when I last posted actually. I flit on sometimes mean to post a reply to someone and rarely do. We had a very dodgy computer until a few weeks ago as well so that's another reason. I think this pregnancy has brought me back to the fold! The site is so big now too. I think I need to learn how to get around it more quickly and find new postings etc. I found mumsnet a real lifeline when very down after birth of dd. BTW how do you cat someone?

'contact another talker' in the bit at the top called 'useful stuff'. I have now catted you. I don't know how long it takes to get to you though as it has to go through MN.