Another random nonsensical rant :(

[HauntyMython]

Grrrrrrrr why am I such an approval junkie :( I messed up at work a few days ago, nothing major and I didn't get 'told off', my line manager said don't worry but I volunteered to make the time up... And I still feel paranoid they will hate me or that they didn't believe what I told them. These things just stay in my head, I wanted to cry all day, and still feel wobbly about it now. I feel so vulnerable even though I know generally they are really happy with me. I'm dreading going in today and that's never happened before.

I actually wrote a post last week but never started the thread, I spend half the time wanting to fit in (which I do, we all get on really well) and the other half just wanting to be, I don't know, mothered? Had a 1-2-1 training session with aforementioned LM the other week which was going great but I was just sitting there thinking "man I could use a hug" I mean WTF?!?

So... Last thing, for now anyway, it should be unrelated but I guess a therapist would say otherwise. My mum really hurt me the other day with a throwaway comment. Was speaking on the phone and she was telling me about their lodger, a French girl of my age, and how she's depressed and lonely and they are prodding her to find friends etc. Mum said "honestly HauntyMython, you were never this much trouble... Oh wait, course you were, you certainly 'had your moments' hahaha"

What she presumably means (it was pretty clear from her tone) is the 6 months I spent in a psychiatric unit for self harm. That's the only 'trouble' they've ever had from me. I felt like she was belittling it and placing the blame on me instead of her brother who abused me. I've felt that so often and I wish I had the guts to confront it but I just can't :(

Um yeah, it's almost certainly, not just related, but the actual cause of your craving for approval. There is nothing more revolting, to my mind, than a parent who blames her own child for being abused - or if she's not exactly doing that, she's blaming you for being upset by it; er, wtf? Did you actually say "yeah, after my uncle abused me" or just think it? What would she have said to that?

Get thee to a shrink, honey, and sort this out once and for all. And meanwhile, have a heartfelt (((hug))) because you sure as hell deserve one.

Haunty have you ever been offered counselling for this? There is an organisation called SAIVE who do good work in this area. It really does help a lot of people. It never 'cures', but it does help...x

Thanks I will look that up.

I've had a few years of CBT in my teens, which really helped me stop self harming etc. I also met somebody when I was 16, we are now happily married with DCs, and I think getting together with him, perhaps because he's older than me, was an excuse for my parents to 'hand me over' to someone else, they never really asked how I was after that

Annie, I didn't say anything after my mum made her little joke. I'd like to think I would have, had I not been on a crowded bus, but I probably wouldn't have.

If I had said anything though, I reckon she would've changed the subject, given a nervous laugh, or pretended not to hear it (probably all 3)

Err yes, your need for approval/fear of rejection will certainly be as a result of your mother :/ it's something I have struggled with throughout my life after being abused by my cousin and the disbelief of my parents, to the point that even just a few years back my stepmum asked me if it really was true.

I am no psychologist but I am aware than in abuse cases a lot of children blame themselves. For a parent, the people who are meant to love and care for you the most, to not defend you and reassure you over it all...that's got to do some serious emotional damage.

I would try to get some more counselling. I think it could be beneficial to have this out with your mother but I would speak to a counsellor about the best ways to go about it. I would also stop punishing yourself for feeling the way you do, regarding needing approval. It's not something you can help just now and having a go at yourself will just lower your self esteem even further.

That is so true. It's part of who I am, and at least I am usually able to conceal it.