Can't stop thinking about her cruel comments

[Sylvana]

I went to my school's 20 year renunion 2 years ago. It was a great night, I chatted to most of the people there, plenty of was had.

At the end of the night one of the girls that I didn't know very well appeared at my side and said "some things never change". I was confused and asked her what she meant. She said "after all these years your face is still the same". I was still confused and asked what she was on about. I can't remember her exact words but she wasn't being complimentry ... she was basically saying I still a horrible person :( With that she turned on her heels and was gone. I stood there with tears in my eyes but grateful that no-one had overheard.

I know I am being ridiculous to keep going over this in my head but the reason it has hurt me so much is because I know there is truth to it.

When I was younger I was prone to being negative, moody, irritable, unfriendly and unforgieving. I was never nasty or involved in any rows, I was quiet and kept to myself most of the time. I'm not very sociable person and have always found it hard to make friends. I think I have some of the narc traits you talk about on here. I've suffered from bouts of depression in the past.

As an adult I realised that my way of thinking was wrong and for the past 15 years I've been working on being a better human being. I copied others who I admire and I have forced myself to be more positive, compassionate and approachable. I can still slip into my 'dark mode' and have to constantly remind myself to be more upbeat.

But I'm sad and regretful for the way I must have appeared to others in the past. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but I can't stop thinking about what this girl said :(

Do you think I have Narc traits ? Is it possible for a Narc to change her spots ??

Bloody hell yes, of course it's possible for people to change. The teenager you were then - 15 odd years ago - is bound to be different in many respects to the person you are now.

Please don't think about what she said for a minute longer. TBH i think the fact she felt the need to say this to you says more about her (in a uncomplimentary way) than it says about you.

You aren't a narcissist if you're aware of your shortcomings. Nacissists don't ever admit to their shortcomings or even want to change. They don't give a stuff about others and certainly wouldn't be agonising about a problem like you describe. They'd also be blaming the other person and asking themselves what on earth was wrong with that person for them not to totally idolise and worship them!

You're not going to have any contact with that woman any more, so just let it go. You've moved on and things are better for you now. You can't rewrite the past. You've been forced to face up to a truth that you already know, but none of us really like confirmation. You were a child at school and things will be different now. Try to put it behind you.

If you continue to struggle with some issues then perhaps some counselling or CBT might help. Antidepressants are also worth a try, they've revolutionised my life and I'm far more friendly now.

I was also a miserable, unfriendly thing at school

Hope you feel better soon

I'm nor sure what a narc is but as you didn't know her that well I don't suppose you've seen her that much in the 20 last 20years.

You've tried to change she obviously hasn't so don't give her another thought.

Who cares what someone you only see every 20 years thinks.

LD

What a horrible bitchy and cowardly thing for her to do! I can understand why it hurt so much. Please don't worry that you're a "narc" - narcissists don't care one bit what people think of them and would have laughed off that woman's comment as nonsense. You are being very hard on yourself. A lot of people cringe when they think of their teenage selves and of course just about everyone changes as they get older.

What I wonder though is if you've tried too hard to change yourself. It's ok not to be upbeat all the time and you need to try to get to a place where you are genuinely comfortable with who you are regardless of what other people think. Having to remind yourself to be different all the time must be exhausting.

Either she got you mixed up with someone else or she hasn't grown up and is still a stroppy teenager herself. Forget it - we have all done/said things as daft teenagers that we wished we hadn't but that's part of growing up. If she had carried a grudge all these years, then that shows what an idiot she is.

Freaklikeme my heart goes out to you. She is the one with the problem. I mean who goes to these things and expects the kids they knew then to be the same after so many years? Don't waste time regretting the past - its gone and can't be changed. and no narc would waste her time worrying that others would see her as anything less than .amazing so you have nothing to worry about

Hey Freaky, you sound a bit like me. No-one's perfect and we are all narcisitic to some extent.
You might sometimes be dark, moody and unforgiving (like me), but at least you aren't a grudge harbouring cow bag. What's the point after all these years? We have all done thoughless things as kids and as adults to. She might be flinching at what she said to you now.

You sound nice and too self aware to be excessively narcisistic. Don't beat yourself up. She probably wasn't keen on you at school and had too much wine on the night.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments.

I agree it probably says more about her than me, she was just as unfriendly as me as a teenager so it takes one to know one I haven't seen her for 20 years so it was a bit of a shock.

CailinDana, it was exhausting at first trying to change but it got easier and I am so much happier for doing so. I was miserable back then, I was angry at the world but I was bringing a lot of it on myself.

I was prescribed antidepressants at one stage Hidden and they did help a lot.

I'm just soooo relieved to hear I'm not a narc

OP you sound lovely, she sounds rude and unfeeling.

she probably got you muddled up with someone else

I really feel for you, OP. That woman sounds dreadful. I can't believe she was so rude to you.

"As an adult I realised that my way of thinking was wrong and for the past 15 years I've been working on being a better human being. I copied others who I admire and I have forced myself to be more positive, compassionate and approachable. I can still slip into my 'dark mode' and have to constantly remind myself to be more upbeat."

I'm not denying you're a moody cow if you say so (don't know you so can't fairly comment), but if you can change yourself it isn't a personality disorder by definition, least of all narcissism. Narcissists never do that. They don't do introspection. That's their defining feature. If there's such a thing as a total anti-narc, that's what you are!

Guess that other woman had Issues which can only be worked out by being horrible to other people, something you actively avoid doing. That makes you A Good Person and her... who knows?

Narcissists have no insight and you really do - you speak with depth, honestly and feeling about yourself. I think you sound lovely.

I agree with the other posters, you are not the problem.

You know, when detaching from someone you are apt to see in person, it is useful to imagine that they are covered in toxic goop and you just don't want to go anywhere near them. Glad you don't have that problem.

Try it with your thoughts- that other woman slimed you with toxic thoughts-just (as if it is that simple-it isn't-as you probably already know) wash them out (tie them to an imaginary helieum balloon and release, write them down and then burn/shred, etc) and then don't use up one more minute of your life or one 'little grey cell' considering her again.

You don't know her very well, she couldn't possibly know you very well-there is context here to not take her seriously at all. Next time, turn full face to her and innocently say, "I'm sorry, what is your name?"

You are deffo not narc - you are clearly aware of yourself.

I do understand; on my last day of sixth form a girl I thought I was sort-of friends with came up to me and said 'I've never liked you' and I still don't know what she was on about. I've seen her on facebook since with a face like a slapped arse so I'm just assuming it was her problem as I'd never done anything bad to her. We don't like everyone so why would everyone like us?

Why? What a horrible and pointlessly cruel thing to say

She waited 20 yrs to have her say? It dopesn't sound like you are the unforgiving one.

You sound far too self-critical to be narcissistic. Please ignore her.