Just cutting contact with family, how do I do this?

[duvetdayplease]

I have finally cracked and told all my family I don't want any contact for a while. I'm absolutely sick of them and it has all got too much in the last year. The final straw for me was my sister booked a family holiday for her family over Christmas, with space for my parents and my other sister but not my family. I get left out all the time, and when I do see them it is very stressful, for so many very small and individually trivial reasons, but it all adds up.

I have had a crap time with my family for so many years, it has got worse and worse. My mum came round today and was really angry, about this and bringing up other things.

I don't know how to do this or whether I am over-reacting but I just wish they were all thousands of miles away so I didn't have to deal with them.

I've had ten years plus of counselling, it always comes back to the same thing. Would I be better off without them?

Have other people actually done this and has it been helpful?

Having read back my post I think it reads as though I'm being really petty. I'm fairly sure I'm not, it's been bloody awful with my mum forever. I just find it impossible to put into words what goes on in my family, each individual incident so small and trivial and unspoken but very controlling somehow. It's messed with my head for years and I'm not sure how to change it.

not sure you sound convinced about this yourself

are you sure you want to cut contact, its quite easy once the decision is made, just don't get drawn into a conversation /arguement, just parrot the same sentance at them whenever they try to draw you back in, something like "I'm unhappy when you're in my life, I need to get on with my life now"

You are not being petty, it is your world and it is bringing you down.

Cutting contact will help you. It will enable you to step back and take control of your future. No, it is not easy but it gets easier.

I am 18 months no contact and quite honestly it is the best thing I ever did. I do have dark days over it but my life and my future is mine.

Would suggest you also read and post on the Stately Homes thread on these pages.

I don't think you're overreacting at all btw; you've had many years of their ill treatment at their hands. Also it is quite common for people to actually downplay their very real experiences as you are now doing by thinking that you're being petty. Also it is very common for toxic parents to get angry at their scapegoat and not take any responsilbity for their actions.

You seem to be the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Many adult children of toxic parents often feel what is termed FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

I'm not convinced! If I'm honest, because my parents always provided for me and there was no hitting or whatever I have always felt a fraud for being so unhappy.

I can't help feeling its basically something wrong with me that makes it so awful with them.

They won't try to draw me back in, that I can assure you.

There will be nothing wrong with you. Whilst they provided for you on one level, they didn't provide for you on an emotional level. Parenting is about both.

Thanks. I'll look on the stately homes thread.

I certainly hear the ring of truth with fear, obligation and guilt!

I feel mostly awful about denying the kids their grandparents.

You were unhappy at home for good reason; they failed to provide for you on an emotional level. It sounds to me like your siblings have been more favoured.

TBH if your parents have acted and continue to act so awfully towards you, then the children won't be missing out on anything at all re their grandparents. You'd be better off giving them decent role models instead.

Toxic parents more often than not can make toxic grandparents as well who use their grandchildren to get back at who they see as their errant offspring.

Gosh, Attila, your last sentence is just so poignant after the conversation I had today. It's all just so sad.

My best friend did this - after one truly awful drama-ridden 'it's all about us' 'family' christmas she just said enough was enough. She is far happier. Weirdly, her parents also favoured her brother and so he thought she was over-reacting...but after a couple of years of my friend staying resolute and refusing further contact, they started their poison with his wife, and then him. They are now not welcome in his home, either.

My friend has a lot of 'issues' with her childhood (which was abusive etc - and she remembered a lot more bad stuff once she was out of the dynamic, IYSWIM, so be prepared for that) but no longer hates her parents; she knows they were victims themselves. But she is much better off without them, as are her kids.

duvetdayplease, can I recommend that, instead of immediatelly cutting contact, you just withdraw. Cutting contact will just bring a whole heap of recriminations and blame onto your doorstep. Withdraw to the background, so they cannot say you are rude or ungrateful or too sensitive or any of the many things they like to throw at us scapegoats.

Just be polite but don't call or visit. Dont be available for them to come around. Don't encourage any contact, but don't prohibit it either - just manage it on your terms if you want to.

"yes, I know - we haven't seen you but we have been super busy...oh what a shame, we are not around this weekend, we are around friends Saturday and Sunday we promised the kids a bike ride. Maybe some other time? Next week? - no, sorry, we are doing XYZ, its been planned for ages. Im sure we will catch up soon...no, sorry, cant really commit to the following weekend at the moment as we are waiting for confirmation about a bit of a do. Why dont I give you a call when we know what we are doing." Deflect, deflect deflect. Polite but not engaged.

Dont get sucked into their little mess. You will be so much happier, and this way, its like a trial run for full seperation later.

You have your own family now - they must be your priority. Learn to leave all that hurt behind and resolve never to treat your own family like that.

I can tell you from experience of my own toxic family - where parents and 2 siblings and kids all went for a jolly to European country, and parents did not even tell me they were in the country - they live 6000 miles away, but could not travel 30 mins to my house. - I no longer have anything to do with them. Im still the family pariah, but hey, I no longer care. They tell outrageous stories about me and my DH, and I just think that the opinions of the people I do not know or care about are irrelevant. The people I care about (like my aunt) see through the crap.

SInce ridding myself of my baggage, my relationships with my DH and my DCs are better, I feel more in control and Ive changed the way I parent.

Hi Balia and Hatti, thank you for your stories, it is good to hear two positive outcomes from a decision to step away.

You are so right about promising not to treat my own children that way - I will never do to my children what was done to me today, I hope with all my heart I can avoid doing that.

I have also gone non contact with my family, and its great. I feel really liberated by it all. Like other posters i have bad days, but it has been hugely positive for me and DH. As for my DCs, I have very luck that my ILs are lovely and frankly I agree that toxic parents can make toxic grandparents too, so I am happy they are out of it.