Am I overreacting? H paints inside walls of conservatory green

[wondering2]

without consulting me. When I complain that we haven't discussed this or agreed, he maintains he has always told me he was going to paint the inside green and that he is "not bothered about me".....

I painted the kitchen bright red [whistles innocently]

also did a shit job of it and left him to fix it for me

be happy you aren't married to me

paint him green and tell him you're not bothered by his opinion

You aren't actually asking anything here, so I'm taking a few stabs at your implicit question. Hope that's okay

1. YABU to complain of the shade when you didn't do the painting.
2. HIBU to say he doesn't care what you think.
3. Yes, you sound rather unhappily married.
4. You can put any old thing on a UB divorce statement. "Doesn't care what I think" will do nicely.
5. Yes, you are justified in consulting a solicitor to confirm 4 above.

HTH?

Hi garlicbread and others

garlic - I agree with 2, 3, 4 and possibly 5 - but as regards 1 - yes he did the painting but I had no idea he was about to start it and don't most people discuss what shade they are going to paint a room since the walls are so much in your face most of the time??? I have unilaterally bought a table before (so it is possible I am just as bad but I am nothing like as aggressive in my reactions, plus the fact that he owns EVERYTHING puts him in a stronger position) but it is nothing like as in your face as the walls around us - it is permanently covered by a table cloth.

Anyway, I know the wall is a red herring but really I am fed up with endless angry silences and sulks (we are now, due to the wall, in another one). H is angry, critical, domineering and very negative in his opinions. He withholds affection and I am fed up thinking one day he will be loving towards me. He is totally detached from me and has been for ages. We have occasional bouts of getting on well which last for 2 to 3 days but then things inevitably slip back into unkindness, disinterest and sarcasm (on h's part). Really I think he is a very solitary person. With regards to "unreasonable behaviour", in reality I think he does not love me but does this count?

Have just been on a school trip with my daughter in Year 1 and spent the whole day feeling needed and appreciated only to come home once again, to silence and dislike from h - I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am never going to be "good enough" for him and at 42 think I might be able to have another life? This is not something I am taking likely and h and I have had problems on and off for YEARS. It is not what I want for my dc but then neither do I want them to copy our dynamic in their adult relationships or for me to live the rest of my life married to someone who does not love me and whom I fairly often dislike. I am permanently listening for signs of affection in how he talks to me and they don't often occur. That and never ever doing anything for my birthday . And I DO do stuff for his.

Sorry, rant over.

lightly, not likely

doesnt matter if he loves you or not - in fact he may proclaim he does lvoe and want you there by his side as trophy wife...

you list

endless angry silences and sulks
angry, critical, domineering and very negative
withholds affection
totally detached from me
things inevitably slip back into unkindness, disinterest and sarcasm

that is enough surely?

what do the Dc think of him?

They know he can be irrational and short tempered which he sometimes is with the elder two, however he is generally very affectionate towards them. This used to really get to me, the contrast between how he speaks to them and how he speaks to me, but not anymore. Life feels too short to worry about somebody else and whether they like you or not rather than actually living. Have just read some of the thread about the toddler who got burned by the barbecue petrol exploding and feel very trivial now. Or how dare I complain but on the other hand it would be nice to feel happy and relaxed all the time.

So OP what are you going to do? Do you have a plan?

This man doesn't love you - he's in love with himself and this manifests in an over-inflated sense of entitlement which, in his eyes, reduces you to little more than his servant, his 'chattel'.

Everything you have said about him demonstrates his unreasonable behaviour and you have more than enough grounds for divorce.

Do please get yourself to a solicitor otherwise you will still be trodden underfoot by him when you are 52, 62, 72 etc and that is not an attractive prospect for you or your dc and eventual dgc.

Your future holds so much more promise - get this selfish twunt out of your life and start living with joy in your heart.

My mum divorced and is now married to the most lovely man. I was 8 when she divorced my dad and I was much happier without him I was about 24 when she met her DH.

Absolutely there can be life after. It's good for your kids to see that they can't treat their partners badly and that they don't have to put up with such treatment as adults. You do need to consider how you are role modelling, that might give you the courage you need.

Oh dear, poor you. What a dismal way to live. You're right, you are teaching your DC very damaging lessons about how love and partnerships should be. 42 is a perfect age to start a new life, and even a further one later!

Nobody leaves a marriage lightly, wondering. It's almost as though you're struggling to give yourself permission to get started. You've got a sizeable bag of reasons to do it - you don't need permission, really.

Seriously, I suggest seeing a solicitor. It might help you to grasp that the possibility is real, and to get enough facts to start envisaging your new life.