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Original poster

Dh reckons he is last in the pecking order

24 replies

OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 13:20

Because they children are more affectionate to me than to him, his mother and sisters prefer spending time with me than with him, and now.... even our dog seems to prefer me Grin. He keeps saying things like ?They?ll be happy as long as mum?s there? or ?They won?t even notice if I turn up?. And it makes me more than a little fed up!

Yes I feel sorry for him, it must be horrible to feel that way, but it's his own stupid bloody fault! He is constantly irritable with the DC, he seems to pick up on their faults when IMO there isn?t anything worth complaining about. When one of them does something helpful like sort the recycling, he won?t say 'thanks', it's always 'about bloody time too!' or 'it's the least he can do!'. When DS1 achevied something amazing at school last year he was very pleased but kept saying to people "I was really proud of him! I don't get the chance to say that very often?" - it was meant to be funny but even so. Why would you say things like that. If you asked him if he loved his children, he'd say that of course he does. He does a lot of things for them but it's the everyday interactions that seem to challenge him.

He finds his mother and sisters irritating - they are a bit TBH - but he can't hide the fact. But again if asked he'd say he loved them.

And as for the dog, he just likes me best because I take him for proper walks! Dogs are shallow creatures ...

Problem is I am reluctant to tackle him about it because he gets so cross. When I have he tells me that I am too soft on them and have to be consistent (ie strict) and he has to be the bad guy. I try to be like him sometimes but it's not in my nature to be cross for long - I always feels I have to apologise if I lose my temper with the children, and I don't see myself as the Great Infallible Parent, as he seems to. I'm not perfect, i don't expect my children to be either. There are times when he says sorry to the kids when he has made a mistake but it's done with such bad grace he might as well not have bothered Sad. It is driving a wedge between us because I can't feel loving and close to someone who appears to treat our children with such smouldering hostility. This makes it worse because I know he wants my attention too and he resents the fact the children 'get in the way'.

It has got to the point I wish it was just me and the children. And DH doesn't deserve to be thought of that way as he is a decent man - loyal, principled, and dedicated.

What is the best way to tackle this? I think it?s a problem that we have both caused.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 13:22

Sorry about the ?, C&P from word

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/11/2011 13:26

Ouch.

What's the context of him saying that he's last? Does he bring that up when you're arguing, or talking about parenting issues, or does he constantly make little digs and sad jibes about it in front of the kids, or what?

FWIW, which isn't much, my DD strongly prefers me, as do both cats, and DH does sometimes make comments about how hard it must be to be the recipient of all that love...but there's no bitterness there, and he doesn't criticise my parenting. That's the bit that sounds hardest for you, that he thinks you should be stricter, to even things out, but won't change his own behaviour, right?

motherinferior · 09/11/2011 13:29

Orm, how on earth have YOU caused this, sweetie? I know we're all supposed to Put Our Relationship First and suchlike blah blah blah...but if he's snarling and nasty to be with, it's not your fault. And this 'wanting your attention' - from everything you've said before you're spread really thin, trying to hold everything together, dammit, it's not FAIR.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 13:30

"or does he constantly make little digs and sad jibes about it in front of the kids, " That. Although not so much in front of the kids.

I might well be too soft - but that is my nature and TBH they are doing pretty well on it! They are (according to unbiased sources -ie DS2's teacher who has taught them all) lovely children.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 13:33

MI - thanks for the support Smile And yes, I am spread as thin as marmite on ryvita most of the time.

I am prepared to see it as 'our' fault because we didn't decide on our parenting rules before we had children. We just went with the flow - which worked OK until a few years ago when all of a sudden he started playing Big Growly parent and I was left being the cuddly one. But of course he's see it the other way around Hmm

OP posts:
ColdToast · 09/11/2011 13:34

if he wants the situation to change then he needs to make the effort. Even children generally get the idea that if you're not nice to people then they're not going to like you all that much.

Wailing "It's not fair!" like a spoilt brat will achieve nothing more than driving you further away.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 13:38

Why not go away for a weekend and leave him to bond with the DCs and dog? It is then up to him to make it pleasant.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 13:39

Sorry-maybe not clear-go away on your own.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/11/2011 13:41

Well, it's hard to set every parenting rule ahead of time. We talked about basic things - like neither of us would ever hit a child, don't believe in lots of television, do believe in putting family before career, pocket money, Santa, etc. But we've still come up against the little things, everyone does! DD is only just three, and we have little niggles about - I think it's rude not to acknowledge that she's speaking to you (when she's being polite, which she is), he thinks it's alright to tune her out sometimes and let her get used to not always having 100% attention, you cannot really work that stuff out until you have the child.

Why did he suddenly become Big Growly Parent, though? It sounds like this hasn't always been the case?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 14:37

exotic - I think that is good idea. I think he'd go for it - he's never selfish where it comes to me having time to myself (assuming I can find time for myself).

tortoise - looking back I think it was when DS2 was about 2. he was a lovely easy-going baby for the most part, but when he started toddling he developed a will of steel and became a bit 'difficult' for want of a better word. We have asked teh school to assess for dyspraxia and are already fairly convinced his mildly autistic. Life for everyone got harder and I am as sure as I can be (my memory is a bit of a haze TBH through sheer exhaustion at the time) that that was when Growly Parent appeared. If so I don't really blame him but it made it harder for me - always having to be peacemaker and smoother-over of troubled waters.

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 09/11/2011 22:42

IF he wants people to like him, he could try making the effort to be more likeable. End of.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 10:24

Yes, you'd think so wouldn't you.....?

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LesserOfTwoWeevils · 10/11/2011 11:44

Not getting how any of it is your fault.
And you can't help him if he won't listen. What's so hard about not making snide remarks, or not being growly, or not adding a nasty little barb that spoils every "compliment"? To your own children?
I really admire your dogged loyalty, but he just doesn't sound like a nice man.

Hullygully · 10/11/2011 11:48

Orm, I remember you posting about this before, sorry things haven't changed. The crux and nub is that he refuses to see himself as he is, it's everyone else's fault, even though everyone is saying the same thing to him.

That is extremely hard to deal with.

Hullygully · 10/11/2011 11:49

And if he doesn't want to look at himself, or consider his own part in the continuing dynamic, it's difficult to see what you can do.

sandyballs · 10/11/2011 11:56

Have you posted about this before , it rings a bell. Sorry things aren't better, but I do think a lot of dads feel like this. My DD's are much closer to me than their dad, they do love him immensely but he isn't there to do much of the day to day stuff with them, the nitty gritty that builds relationships, dads tend to dip in and out due to work. Not always the case I know but generally.

My DH finds it harder now the girls are getting older and have more of a say in things, more of an opinion, which is natural and normal, how it should be. But he sees it as rudeness and challenging.

Not easy so I'll watch this with interest. One thing I have started to do is go out with DH more, just the two of us.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 11:59

Yes I have posted about this before - not quite the same situation though. There is more self-pity on his part now Hmm

I wonder if I might have to be more proactive - stop tiptoeing around him when he's being an arse, but god I hate that sort of confrontation.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 12:00

"One thing I have started to do is go out with DH more, just the two of us."

We do this. Perhaps twice a month. It's nice but it doesn't seem to help much longterm.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 10/11/2011 12:01

"When DS1 achevied something amazing at school last year he was very pleased but kept saying to people "I was really proud of him! I don't get the chance to say that very often?" - it was meant to be funny but even so."

My dad was like this, always negative and down-playing my achievements/ability, including in front of other people, and even a compliment had to come wtih a sarcastic 'joke' like that. You get used to it, but still it was quite hurtful and don't think it did my self-esteem (or my relationship with him) any good. Even now I don't like telling him about anything I'm doing, just because I know the sort of comments I'm going to get.

He needs to think before he speaks, think about the effect what he says is going to have on the DCs, and just because he thinks something is a joke, that doesn't mean it isn't a nasty thing to say, especially to a child.

I'm sure he is a good person at heart, and loves his family, but it sounds like he's got into some habits which he needs to break, if he wants to have a good relationship with his children as they grow up (and with you!). Before it's too late to change things.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 12:02

It doesn't help that he is engaged in a one-sided pissing contest with DS1 who is 14 Hmm Bloody annoying

OP posts:
Hullygully · 10/11/2011 12:03

He isn't being the adult, Orm, is he? He's being one of the dc.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 12:03

I sometimes wonder if he doesn't know how to be a dad. His dad walked out when he was 4 and contact after that was sporadic to say the least. Is 'being a father' a learned skill|?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 10/11/2011 12:07

I think that's a big part of it Orm. I was well-parented until I was 12, and I could draw on what did and didn't work. Now my dc are older than that, I often have a feeling of winging it as I have nothing to draw on.

Also, he may well have un-understood (by himself) issues of abandonment and resentment that are coming out towards them?

And it would also explain why he wants/needs to come first with you and feels himself in competition with them.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/11/2011 12:17

I think it is a learned skill, and one imprints very strongly on one's parents in this regard. I mother very, very similarly to my own mother - luckily for my DC she was a fantastic parent and still a fantastic grandparent.

It does also seem to me that a lot of men have trouble with older DC, in putting aside their competitiveness. I didn't grow up with my Dad, but we're rebuilding a relationship now I have DC, and he puts me down in this glib, only-joking way constantly. I think with him it's actual low self-esteem/weird class and gender issues, but I also think that men aren't taught how to show emotion, so they channel their care for their DC into discipline or Teaching Them What's Right, etc.

None of which is meant as an excuse, by the way, just typing aloud.

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