How to stop hero-worshipping my father? (and how to help my Mum)

[PoppyWearer]

I'm a regular who has name-changed.

I'm 36 years old and have in the past 12 months had a series of epiphanies about my relationship with my Dad.

I grew up absolutely hero-worshipping him. I'm the eldest of two and my Mum spent my childhood having to parent my younger sister very closely due to various problems (only diagnosed later) which impacted her health and behaviour quite substantially. So my Dad and I were very close, and this continued into adulthood.

I have basically spent my whole life, until now, believing everything my Dad said was right and living my life in order to seek his approval. My Dad has a very closed/risk-averse view of the world and as he gets older is more and more afraid of anything and everything beyond his front door. BTW, he is a fit and healthy 66 years old!

Somehow in spite of this I have ended up with a lovely DH and two gorgeous young DCs. My DH is very different to my Dad, has a very open mind and broad horizons. Maybe that's what I was looking for, subconsciously? We travelled the world together before settling down to start our family.

Since having my DCs I have come to realise how insular/selfish my Dad can be, and how much I have been seeking his approval. Dad puts his own needs first at every turn. Even when I was heavily pregnant or post-natal, his need for a cup of tea/coffee/beer/whatever was paramount, certainly more important in his eyes than my wellbeing or whatever my DCs might need (I know that's trivial but it drove me mad). We took my parents on holiday with us earlier in the year and his behaviour there was worse than my toddler DD's, he very nearly spoiled a very expensive holiday for all of us, just by refusing to do anything outside his comfort zone, but we just about salvaged it.

As far as I'm concerned, this is all very new, I am trying to process it all in my head whilst coping with a new baby and related hormones, and it's making me very sad. I love my Dad, but he is a pain in the arse! I can just see him getting worse and worse and worrying himself into an early grave.

But my real concern is for my poor Mum, who has spent her whole life pandering to him, but has herself always been open to new experiences (I took her to New York pre-DCs, she loved it). Otherwise she has pretty much not been able to experience life and the world around her due to my Dad's controlling and risk-averse nature. And we certainly won't be taking them on holiday with us again (DH refuses) so she misses out too.

Sorry this is long, but I would appreciate advice from anyone who has been through this. How can I get my own head straight, still have a good relationship with my Dad, and be there for my Mum?

Just wanted to say that some of the controlling/ need for routine/ closed-mindedness does come with age. My Dad is 69 and he is becoming very much like this, despite being the kind of man who spend 13 years working in Africa. He still loves holidays (obviously they are within in his comfort zone), but certain other things (such as - God Forbid - eating later than 6.30pm) he cannot cope with. My Mum has always been a bit of a worrier, but now she is worse than ever. So, just to say, (I'm sure you knew) that it'll probably get worse rather than better. Would your Dad cope alone if you did some fun/ interesting things with you Mum? Assume he was on his own when you went to NY. You can always offer him to do the things, but if he doesn't want to then just take your Mum. A weekend break, trips into London, etc.

PS. Sounds like you already stopped hero-worshipping your father! I think you need to grieve for the man you thought he was, and accept him for who he really is.

Thank you MerryMarigold. You're bang on - I do feel like I'm in mourning. I didn't realise it until you put it that way.

He is definitely getting worse with age, but the change in the past 12 months in him has just been dramatic. My parents never used to be at home, they were always out and about, now he's almost a recluse.

In that case, Poppy, if it's happened so quickly, it may be something more serious. May be worth looking into this.,,I'd be worried about him rather than angry with him.

As a child I worshipped my Dad. My mum admitted to me many times when I was an adult that she had often felt jealous of the relationship between me and him. I was a real little Daddys Girl.

In my eyes he was perfect.

I think it is only when you become older yourself that you question your parents attitudes and beliefs, and realise that they are not always right, not always perfect, and that you are going to be a different type of parent/partner.

My dad died when he was 61, and was 24, so I never really got the chance to have an adult relationship with him, and I am sure we would have clashed on many things.. maybe we wouldnt... I will never know.

He was a strong and opinionated character, but so was my mum, so they had plenty of disagreements, and my dad could be quite selfish at times, buying things that he wanted, but telling my mum she couldnt have what she wanted.. he was still very generous to her in other ways though.. it wasnt complicated, it was just an old fashioned relationship, where the man was the boss and my mum was the traditional housewife. When my dad fell ill with cancer, it was my mum who had to take over the finances, the house maintenance etc, and she was then in charge.. but they were still a partnership that would only be broken by death.

What I am trying to say is, I dont think you need to actually do anything. Your parents have their relationship, and you as an adult now have yours with your husband. Dynamics change, and people change over time too.

You say he is 66, did he retire last year? That can be a huge changing point for many men, and many couples too, as the whole balance of life changes.

My husband is 50 next week, and I really dread the day he is 65, as having him at home under my feet every day will drive me bonkers..

Thanks for the further replies.

Squeaky that is a timely reminder to make the most of the time I have with him. My Dad's father died in his late 60's so I have wondered if he is worried about the same happening to him.

He hasn't retired yet, has been semi-retired for a few years, although he plans to retire next year. Honestly, he's going to drive my Mum crazy, but at the same time she has very little going on in her life besides him (no real friends since she retired, she doesn't use the Internet).

Marigold Dad has had a lot of colds in the past 12 months. Sadly he catches every bug my DCs have when they visit (which he complains about ad nauseum). I wonder if that would be enough to cause a change. DH's grandmother has dementia, if that's what you mean, so I know a bit about symptoms there...hadn't thought of that.

Hmm. I wonder how I can get my Mum online...THAT would help her no end, to be able to follow friends and GCs online.

Dad's are so difficult aren't they. I have had direct experience with how they effect the way you feel about yourself as well as your relationships with the men in your life. I think we all forget that our Dad's are people. They have good points and bad points. I think as small children we are just programmed to see the good. It is heart-breaking when you realise your Dad has characteristics that have caused hurt to others IE your Mum. On the one hand yout love and worship him and on the other your so cross with him for not being this figure of perfection you always thought he'd been. I'm afraid I haven't got any answers - I am as confused as you when it comes to my Dad. But I wanted to write something xxxxxx

You are already doing all that you need to do.

You have realised that both of your parents are fallible.

And they are adults, and have both chosen their own paths.

You can give yourself permission to give your dad feedback on his behaviour eg on holiday- he can take it.

You have 'grown' up a bit more.

Well done you