How not to f**k them up? - Young DCs/family dynamics help please!

[PoppyWearer]

I'm a regular who has namechanged.

3 months in with baby DC2 (our family is now complete) and I can see some patterns forming in our young family's new relationships that I am keen to break up. I want to avoid repeating past mistakes!

Background is that I am eldest of two daughters, hero-worshipped my Dad growing up but have recently realised how this stopped me from making my own decisions and being my own person for most of my adult life (this is another thread I plan to start soon, BTW).

My DD is 3yo and she and I are very close. But during pregnancy and since DS was born 3 months ago, there has had to be a bit more distance between us (baby is mostly bf). Understandably DD has latched on to her Dad, my DH, and it is lovely to see them getting closer. She has to go to him in the night as I am looking after the baby.

The problem is that DD has started to say things which make me think she is in the early stages of "hero worship" herself, such as believing he can fix anything and everything that is broken/wrong.

I was always like this with my own Dad. I don't want to project my own experience on to her, but likewise I don't want her to get to her late 30's and realise she has basically lived her life and made decisions according to what her Dad thought/wanted rather than what she wanted for herself. Lovely though DH is (and very different to my own Dad, I should add).

I am projecting my own experience onto her too much, aren't I? Or am I right to be a bit worried?

At the same time, I am besotted with my baby DS. He is such a chilled out and happy baby compared to DD, and I am enjoying motherhood so much more this time around. I can see there is a danger that I get so besotted with him that I stifle him and push DD away, causing both of them damage. I adore her too, she is lively, intelligent and cheeky, so it isn't a question of favourites. They are just very different.

Does anyone have any practical advice on what I can do to stop this pattern that is beginning to form? I probably need to make more mother/daughter time for starters (without the baby), but this is practically very difficult to arrange due to DH's work. I was thinking about putting DS into childcare for one day a week when DD is not in Pre-School, so that DD and I get a day a week together without him (am a SAHM at the moment). But I wasn't planning to put DS into childcare for another 6 months at the earliest, and we don't have family close by to help.

Has anyone else been through this as either a mother or daughter?

Please be gentle on me as the hormones are still raging! TIA and sorry this was so long!

almost ALL children go through phases of worshipping their Dads.. regardless of younger siblings who have replaced them as the baby of the family.. it is perfectly normal.

I dont think you need to do anything, other than relax, stop worrying, and just enjoy this time.. because it wont be too long before you have a couple of squabbling children and a raging headache!

Thanks squeaky, all the time spent bf'ing is giving me lots of time to overthink things I suppose.

But I would be interested to hear what others think. And I've now also started a thread about my Dad, which has been forming in my head for weeks, so it was good to get it out!

This sounds like a cop out, but I truly truly think you need to relax about it all. You sound self aware and thoughtful about your children and their happiness, they are lucky to have you, but don't get wound up about the "right way" or the "wrong way". IMO, if a parent has empathy, and understands the possible effects of their behaviour on their dc's(and you seem to have this), then this will stop you from falling into any major bear traps along the way, such as favouritism etc.

It's perfectly natural to worry about this stuff. I'm similar, and I'm trying to relax. I can't control the future, but I can just love both my dc's the same, allowing for their wonderful differences. Enjoy being besotted with your little one, we all know it goes so quickly. Don't feel guilty.

Oh this is completely normal. My dd did the exact same when her brother came along and hero worshipping him isn't wrong at 3 unless he is an evil bastard . She is now 6 and has a suitably stroppy relationship with him, loves him but he is no longer the man she wants to marry.

Oh and the fact that your thinking about it and conscious that your dd may feel left out makes a difference. I have always had a harder relationship with my dd than with ds for the same reasons you describe but when i do get to spend time with her 1 on 1 i remember how lovely she is so that is a good start.

Thank you.

DH is definitely not an evil bastard, he is a fab dad just a bit annoying sometimes, wish he would stack the dishwasher more.

Ha, yes i have one of hose too. As someone who has a average at best relationship with my dad I would enjoy your dds closeness to her father but ensure you have a good relationship with her too that way she gets the best of all worlds. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Hi just to say she will probably come back to you, when the baby is a bit bigger. My elder became very attached to his dad when the new baby came too, however now the baby is bigger and less dependent on mummy things are changing. It used to be daddy was the fab one all the time, mummy the snappy, impatient sleep deprived baby obsessed one, but over time it's evened out a bit. Now it seems to be whoever is in the best mood/plays most is the coveted one. So it may just be a phase, when you're there though sometimes it's easier to see it as it is just at that moment. However see how it changes in the next year or more.

Thanks Pink, that's good to know. DH does work stupid hours, which would actually help in this context (although not healthy for our family otherwise).

Sounds like it's just something I need to remain aware of, but not fret about at the moment.

Thanks. DH is very good at helping her to be independent, moreso than I am. We don't treat her like a princess at all.

My Dad's love always felt conditional, usually on how well I was doing with school work and subsequently career etc. Having the DCs, being made redundant and becoming a SAHM seems to have finally broken the cycle.

Dad used to be a strong advocate for Mums staying at home with pre-school kids and having no other childcare, but I have formed my own opinions based on my experiences. We had a very insular childhood, it held me back in adult life. I want my DCs to have more independence and more opportunities than I did.