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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will my DCs hate me?

12 replies

dizzykizzy · 09/11/2011 10:23

I am separating. It is really difficult because H won't leave the house until me and the DCs move out. He is in denial and every day is really tough. I have my plan, I know what I'm doing and I'm getting everything done. I am burying everything I feel and when I'm alone, I cry. H is not making any effort to control his emotions, re-assure the DCs or show any compassion. I know he is really hurting (and so am I) but he won't discuss any of the practical aspects of our separation, most importantly, when he will see the DCs. So I can't give them any comfort about when they will see him. My DD can't stand being in the house so has gone to stay with friends for a few days. My DS is being very practical about things but I know he is very sad.

It was my decision and H has now put the idea into my head that the DCs and the rest of the family will never forgive me for what I am doing. I can cope with the family being critical but the DCs being torn apart by this is my worst fear and I can't get it out of my head today.

How can I help them to understand, how can I help them to forgive me or is there nothing I can do...

OP posts:

Earthymama · 09/11/2011 10:27

No they won't!
I stayed for 5 years with a man who told me he would go through the courts to make sure I never saw my son and daughter again.

In the end I called his bluff and within 6 months he had abandoned my childre, married without their knowledge and proved he was an absolute bastard.

As long as you tell your children you love them and show them you love them All will be Well.

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 10:30

Your children will not hate you so long as you are honest with them. How old are they?

cestlavielife · 09/11/2011 10:31

your dd has told you with her actions - you need to get out of there and fast. once you settled in your own plac it will be fine without this tension.

you can listen to the dc speak about their sadness but be practical in your repsonses - and if you cant say when they will s e dad because dad wont say so - then make sure you tell them truthfully "that is somehting dad will arrange, i am very happy for you to see dad whenever it suits, preferably we will set up a routine so you know exactly which days you will see dad".

if dad never arranges it -well they will know who is responsible...

Doha · 09/11/2011 10:34

I think the DC's would not forgive you for staying in a relationship that was not working for their sake.

They will adapt to their new situation, kids are remakable at bouncing back. Don't worry about your H not discussing DC's and visitation, he is doing this to lay the guilt deeply at your feet. Keep reassuring the DC's that you both love them and none of this is their fault.

pictish · 09/11/2011 10:38

This is a blatant and clumsy attempt at emotional blackmail.
Don't be visably swayed by it, even if you are riddled with doubt inside, don't let him see that.

If he will not accept the situation and put things in place that ensure his kids feel secure, then he is shooting himself in the foot.

You carry on as intended and say what *cestlavielife8 suggested.

Do not take on the responsibility of his burden. xx

Original poster

dizzykizzy · 09/11/2011 10:40

DD is 15 and DS is 10. Because of the way H is behaving, I have asked him to move out now as he is going to stay with a relative initially (and could easily go now) but he has just woken up to the fact that he won't see the DCs every day once we move out and says he doesn't want to go until we do.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 09/11/2011 10:46

Are you able to talk about why you made the decision? And what steps you both took to address the issues in your marriage ? Did the decison come out of the blue for him ? I think that ultimately, your kids need to know that you both love them and as someone else said none of this is their fault but maybe your ex needs your help to understand why you are leaving. It may be that you think he should or does know, but the reality of the situation is obvioulsy traumatic for all of you and if he feels powerless then his behaviour is probably a reaction to that powerlessness ?

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 10:48

They are not small children. At 15, even if you were still together he would probably not be seeing your daughter every day. She has her own life, and is almost an adult. If she wants to see him, she will make the time to see him. If he behaves like an arse, she will not see him, because she will just put her own social life first. He should bear that in mind.

The ten year old is the one who needs the most comfort here. He is not old enough to be independent yet, and having his sister move out to get away from it will be upsetting for him too.

But your kids will not hate you. They may end up hating him if they are forced to leave their home. You are the main carer I take it? so as far as I know, you cannot be forced to leave the family home.

Original poster

dizzykizzy · 09/11/2011 11:00

I'm leaving because he refused to. We have had problems since 2007 and have been to Relate twice. I asked him to move out in February to give our relationship some space. He refused to. I told him a month ago, I wanted to separate and he told me that we wouldn't. I have only done this because I am at the end of my tether. I'm renting because I needed to get out and wanted to get the DCs settled before Christmas. Also, I know that I can't refuse him access to our family home and I need to have the break from him . He wouldn't stay away if we stayed here. I don't want the DCs to hate either of us for this. He wants me to agree to getting back together in 6 months time but I can't give him that guarantee. The more this goes on, the less likelihood is that I will ever want to be with him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 11:06

If I were in your situation, I would agree to reconsider in 6 months, so long as he moves out now.

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 11:08

Sorry, meant to add.... obviously when the six months are up, you would be under no obligation to keep to that... and he will have had six months to get used to being on his own.

You may just miss find that six months apart does make a huge difference, and you may be able to rebuild something, but if he doesnt go, then he isnt giving it a chance to happen.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 10/11/2011 00:36

In general I'm an advocate for honesty being the best policy, but sometimes it isn't and I therefore second squeaky.

Do whatever you have to do, including lying through your teeth (with fingers crossed behind your back) to get him gone sooner rather than later - but don't sign anything in blood or ink any other substance unless you are confident that you can get hold of the document and burn it at a later date.

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