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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me please - have really cocked up and don't know what to do

42 replies

havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:01

Please, I am already beating myself up about this, so please I don't need anyone else doing it more, but I really need help as to what the hell to do now.

I'm married. I love my husband. I'm also bored. I fell in love with another man. Tonight I kissed him.

That's it. I don't know what to do. I'm torn apart by this - not as much as I know my husband would be if he found out, I know - but I am fucking in love with two people, and it's been eating me up for weeks now. And now I've been fucking stupid. And I don't know what the hell to do. Sad

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Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:12

Please, is there anyone around who can help me? Part of me is desperate to confess, but I also know that would just cause a huge amount of hurt, and would he ever trust me again? But he can't trust me anyway. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

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strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:23

Not quite sure what advice you want, only you can decide what to do. The simple answer is you have to choose? Does the second guy know you are married?

choux · 09/11/2011 00:25

Why are you bored? Are you and your husband v different personalities or have you both stopped making as much effort to enjoy life?

TeaBaggy · 09/11/2011 00:25

i agree not sure what advice youre after...is it a case of whether or not to tell him...or whether or not to stay with him?

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:26

Yes. He knows. And he's felt this way about me for a long time too. But we haven't talked about it, just known IYSWIM.

If/when I choose DH, do I keep quiet, though, and just have to live with a) loving someone else and b) the knowledge I cheated? Won't that destroy us in the end?

Fucking hell, what a mess Sad

If I were to leave him, would destroy many more lives than just mine and DHs. And I don't want to live without DH anyway. I just don't think it's an option.

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Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:27

choux - Yes, DH and I make a big effort, but can't ever seem to make it as exciting as falling in love again Sad He's happy, btw. It doesn't seem to be an issue for him.

Teabaggy- I don't really know. I don't think I can bear to leave him. Apart from the fact I love him, it would destroy far too many lives. But...well, see what I replied to Strictly.

Thank you all for replying, btw.

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TeaBaggy · 09/11/2011 00:29

something must have happened to make the situation change, from you both knowing, to you acting on it...

what was it that caused this change? were you being rational at the time or was it a reaction to an argument or life-changing event...if that is the case then DONT make any decisions until you have really thought things through as you may regret an impulsive decision

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 00:30

A kiss is just a kiss. Think of it as an early mistletoe snog and fgs don't cause your dh any unnecessary hurt and pain by 'confessing'.

Now put all thoughts of the OM out of your head. You're not in love with him - you're in love with the idea of him, the idea of living with another man, you're enjoying the attention, the feeling that you're something special. But you ain't special at all, honey, if you're prepared to break your dh's heart just because you're into feeding your ego.

If you were to shack up with the OM it wouldn't last long - he farts and shits just like your dh and he's probably got far more irritating habits. Also, any man who makes a play for another man's wife is a cad - and how do you know he doesn't do it regularly? It's likely you're just one of long list of his 'conquests'.

As for your dh not being able to trust you - you can easily remedy that one. Wise up, grow up, and stop seeking cheap thrills with other men.

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:31

He walked me back to my car after an evening out (with others) because it was dark and they all managed to leave before us. Total chance.

Wasn't a life-changing event - just was suddenly desperate to kiss him and be kissed by him. I stopped it, but it was a long, passionate kiss. And I keep thinking about it, and then feeling like an utter bitch to be thinking about it, let alone that I've done it! Sad

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strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:31

Well, in respect of your marriage, you have to make decisions that are right for you, not about other people who are affected.

What is the second guy's involvement in your life, would you continue having contact with him. Is it possible your DH could find out from others?

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:33

Izzy - thank you. I know you're right (well, apart from the how do I know he doesn't do it all the time. I know him very well. He doesn't) but I think I just needed to know whether I just have to live with this forever, or if I should tell DH (not for me, but for him). I think I know the answer Sad

I've made my bed and I have to lie in it, forever if necessary Sad

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strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:33

And I'm with izzy on the cad front too, I'm afraid

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:35

Strictly - no, he won't hear from others. No one else knows. But I see him once every week, and I can't avoid it. I can avoid a situation like tonight by leaving asap, but will be hard. I love seeing him and talking to him. And I know I'm wrong to be talking like this, but...aaarrrggghhh! I don't want to be going to bed every night thinking about him! I want to be 100% happy with my husband! Sad

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Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:35

Strictly - fair enough, but I'm a cad/bitch too, then, aren't I? (OK, I've already established that.) Yes, he shouldn't have kissed me, but he doesn't make a habit of it, I know.

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strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:38

I think you need to understand why you aren't 100% happy with him, why are you bored?

Because the problem is, even if you halt this one, will there be another?

Surely DH deserves better, but if he's not right for you then maybe you shouldn't be with him. You need to address what's going on with DH and not be infatuated with someone else.

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:40

I don't know, Strictly Sad

He does deserve better, but I doubt he'd want to split up, whatever I'd done. It would just make him be miserable for the rest of his life. So I guess I've answered my question about not telling him, there!

My friend thinks I should leave DH, but I think the answer is what you've said, but how on earth to get there?

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Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:41

My friend only knows I have feelings for someone else - she doesn't know what I did tonight.

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TeaBaggy · 09/11/2011 00:41

i have been in a similar situation and i told my dp.

it was hard work and it did really hurt him but i could never live with the guilt and no that at least we have no secrets between us...if you hide this will it eat away at you?

dp and i are now stronger than ever and i no how much it would hurt to lose him because i nearly did so i no i will NEVER take him for granted again, and he knows he can trust me because he can see how much i hate myself for what happened and also he realised that i was devastated at the thought of losing him and simply made a mistake

im glad i was honest but im not going to pretend it was easy...i guess it depends on which you think would be harder...dealing with it or hiding it for the rest of your lives together

strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:43

Is there anyway you could not see this guy each week, I'm sort of guessing not?

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:45

Oh God, Teabaggy - I feel the same way Sad. This is so awful. I know it's my own fault, but bloody hell. It's not DH's fault, FFS! Sad

Strictly - no Sad

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TeaBaggy · 09/11/2011 00:46

and seeing someone once a week is very different to living with and sharing your life with someone...it sounds a bit like you have idolised this other man in your head and the chances of him living up to these expectations are pretty slim

strictlycomedancingdiva · 09/11/2011 00:47

So if you choose to stay with DH, and tell him, how will he handle the fact you will still be meeting this guy regularly?

I think this would be the major sticking point, IMO.

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:50

I want to go to bed and decide in the morning, but I feel if I'm going to tell him, it needs to be now. And I don't think I can.

Strictly - you're right. He'll hate it, every single week. And the second I get in the door each week he'll be asking me what happened and what we talked about, and it'll drive me mad, however reasonable it is, and we'll argue, and it'll just cause more heartache I think. At least if I don't tell him, it's just me who has to live with the shit.

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TeaBaggy · 09/11/2011 00:51

i would really strongly advise you to look again at this other man and find his flaws...because trust me they are there! then you can stay with your dh and be happy knowing the grass isnt greener...and simply saying that wont work...you need to work out why the grass wouldnt be greener so you can lie in bed with your dh and be 100% happy with him

only you can decide whether or not to tell your dh...

Original poster
havecockedup · 09/11/2011 00:52

Thank you for talking it through with me. I'm still no clearer as to what to do, but I'm no longer panicking about it. Will go to bed now, and think about it.

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