Broken relationship with dd 22.

[muvs]

Having escaped my violent and abusive husband [25years married] last year and moved to a new town with the aid of Womens Aid my 2nd daughter now 22 and her bf of 3 yrs started to play up and bf was inappropriate with my youngest ds 13 and I told her that her bf was no longer welcome in my home. In anger she moved in with his parents - his is at uni somewhere else. Since then she refuses to accept my add on FB and when youngest ds contacted her to tell her he missed her she told him he was humiliating her.

Today I find out that she has added her father on FB - a man who raped and abused me and without my knowledge beat, bullied and attempted to kill my 4 children, incl her. Some more than others including whipping with belts, drowning, suffocating by pinching their noses and holding his hand over their mouths until they blacked out. He smashed teeth out by hitting their heads against the wall and threw them bodily the length of rooms. Thats just a little bit of what he did. No prosecution because CPS thought my older ds would not be a good witness because he is autistic.

I am absolutely devastated that she would add him and not me. She has put us all in very serious danger because she knows our new name - we've changed it twice and she lived in our new house. My two sons [13 & 16] are frightened and my 23 dd is livid and cannot believe she would do this to us.

I really would like some advice from other mums. I have zero family or friends and I would love someone elses perspective. We have all blocked her on FB - this was the only way we have been able to contact her. The 2 convos I've had with her in the last year have been heated on her side. She is so angry and I don't know what I've done to deserve her anger and yet her father is now her friend. She told me she would 'never be so stupid to contact him' but she has. I have cried all day. I've given her 3 months of no contact and 15 months of very little.

The only thing I can think to do is simply cut her out of my life. I don't see I can do anything else when I have the safety of my other children to consider.

Hmmm. Is there any way you can have a 'mutual friend' she can get in touch with if she wants to make contact?

I'm so sorry for your predicament x

I contacted her bf's mum to ask her to help and she agreed but then wouldn't assist. DD lives in a different town now and we have no mutual acquaintances. Thank you for your reply. I hadn't thought of that. I will rack my brain and see if I can come up with someone. At least for emergencies anyway.

Or set up an email account and give her the address? Don't give it to anyone else, check it every week and tell her you'll always be waiting to hear from her.

You are right, you've got to protect your other children. This way you aren't shutting the door x

so sorry to read about all this, do you have a relationship with the bf parents? hoe you are ok. you can still message her on facebook if you want to get a message to her - sounds like she absolutely must get away from her father - but has she contacted him because she feels she has no family. do you have an avenue with the bf's parents?

I have a very watered down version of your situation in my family re one of my children is extremely angry with me, betraying me left and right, loyal to abusive ex (her father) - though we didn't have the appalling violence you have described or the ongoing safety fears. I'm so sorry you have been through all that and now your daughter is seriously endangering your safety.

I'm sorry to say it but I think you need to let the police know that your dd has compromised your anonymity, and therefore safety. Have you spoken to Womens Aid about this? I can't see that you have any other option than to cut her out as, as you say, you must be on high alert to protect you and your remaining dc's. Your dd is very probably extremely traumatised by what has happened in the past, is unable to process it and is hitting out at you (as is mine). I don't think they know what they are doing tbh - your daughter is probably unaware of the extent to which she is playing with fire.

I know something of the heartache you are experiencing, though can't know it all - try not to take it personally (though God knows, I struggle with my dd's betrayal and my situation is not as serious as yours): both our girls have been very badly damaged by the past. I should imagine her boyf's mum is too frightened to be involved when psycho is on the loose - though I would keep the relationship with her (boyf's mother) open, as she may have some influence for good on your dd.

Let's hope your ex is behind bars for life in the not too distant future, with you all safe: in all probability the law will be keeping a close eye on him to that effect re to find a way to get him locked up (for ever with no hope of release).

I left a message for dd bf's dad but he hasn't/won't reply. I have a support worker - because of the violence - so we've sorted out the police and things like the school being aware. I've decided I just have to let her go for now. It is heartbreaking. My youngest ds said that it may be because she feels safe with her dad, ironically. She knows where I am so the ball is in her court unfortunately.

Now we just have to work out how to get on with our lives. Thanks everyone. It really does help and the advice has been great especially when my brain is absolutely numb.

I don't find it all that strange that she is reaching out to her father. The abusive parent can be seen by children as the "strong" parent, and therefore the one most likely to provide protection. Since this is a time of uprooting and instability for your DD, she may be reaching out to the key provider of "security" that she knows.

It is horrible that this choice of hers is putting your other children and yourself in potential danger, though. Good for you for informing the police and the school. I hope they have ideas for increasing your protection despite this breach.

As to having no idea what you've done to deserve her anger: part of your DD's behaviour will no doubt be lashing out in general as a way to work through the trauma of her 22 years on this earth, and part of it is probably anger directed at you personally, for failing to protect her from her abusive father until now. If you ever reconnect with her and I hope for you both that eventually you do you will need to be ready to hear her recriminations.

I hope in time she will understand where you are coming from, but she's young, confused and angry. Don't hold her behaviour now against her if she comes back to you in years to come.

You're the one who has always been to blame, throughout her life, yes? She hasn't broken free of his conditioning, yet. I think you're right to let her go for now, but keep that door open.

i hope you are ok, take care